sometimes all a person needs is to know that their partner is willing to fix things with them . that they won’t go run away when the going gets tough .
and now it’s felt like one long panic attack and the meds don’t help and the self soothing doesn’t help and the distractions don’t help and all I can feel is emptiness. i haven’t slept in days and the most I’ve eaten was a spoon of rice and I keep forgetting to breathe and my eyes are dry and itchy from the crying and my body feels like it’s in decay.
i keep wanting to talk to you because I’ve lost my best friend but I can’t so I’ll talk to the world instead.
I hate that you didn’t put up a fight.
I hate that you could never show me affection. When I wanted. When I asked. When I pleaded. When I begged.
I hate that we approached life completely differently yet enjoyed it so much more together.
I hate that you see all the faults and flaws. You look in the nooks and crannies and pick at scars that are healing until they become flaws again too.
I hate that life looks bleaker without you.
I hate that I poured so much into you that I should’ve poured into myself.
I hate that you didn’t want children when the thought of a small version of you made me so happy. You never felt the same about a small version of me.
I hate that I feel like I lost myself a long time ago and you never got to meet her because I’ve spent too long trying to find her again.
Maybe she was escaping.
