Happy May, friends 🍄🌿✨

unimaginably cruel

my favorite tidbit about Kung Fu Panda is that China saw it and was like "how the fuck did we not think of this before"

China: we love kung fu and we love pandas

America: *makes a film about a panda who learns kung fu*

China: WHAT THE FUCK

Now China has no choice but to make an animated western about a bald eagle that learns to shoot also still featuring Jack Black

This miniature ecosystem has been thriving in an almost completely isolated state for more than forty years. It has been watered just once in that time. The original single spiderwort plant has grown and multiplied, putting out seedlings. As it has access to light, it continues to photosynthesize. The water builds up on the inside of the bottle and then rains back down on the plants in a miniature version of the water cycle.

As leaves die, they fall off and rot at the bottom producing the carbon dioxide and nutrients required for more plants to grow.

if you don’t think this is fucking rad then get out of my face

Kid grabbing my arm in the store: How old are you?

Me: Five hundred and twelve. I watched the Hindenburg burn

Him: Did you see the titanic sink?

Me: No, it was in the middle of the ocean

Actually me to children

ever notice how men criticize games like animal crossing and stardew valley on the basis of “the entire game is just doing tasks” without recognizing that “kill bad guy” is also just a task but violent?

”it’s so boring all you do is talk to people and do tasks so you can buy new things” yeah and all you do is press a bunch of buttons to kill people so you can buy new things? perish

my activity page has not known peace since i made this post i have hundreds of insufferable gamers crawling up my pant legs now but luckily i have a secret up my sleeve… i too am a gamer man. im immune to the gamer venom   

This has the same energy as that post that’s “Red Dead Redemption is just Barbie’s Horse Adventure with violence”.

trinity 

An Actual Real Person my Dad knew. Pretty sure he worked as a bush guide. When someone asked the time he’d pull off his hat - some kind of broad brim - and use to take a few measurements of the sun’s position relative to the horizon. Then he’d declare the time.

He was accurate to the minute.

Fvvdvddsfdssdhnvfh you get back here and say this to the rest of the crew

I’m obsessed with how funny the nfl meme page was for this one

“Enjoying a sunset on some rollerblades with your dog and horse.”

(via)

Oh, that horse is like “trot trot trot, my human has gotten ahead of me! ZOOM! trot trot” and going around to look to look at things. The dog is just living for this!

now give the horse rollerblades

so last night i dreamt that werner herzog produced this documentary called ‘one week as snail’, and legit it was just herzog following a single snail around this little town, commenting on everything it did and coming up with this detailed philosophy of a snail. he didn’t give it a name because he believed snails had no concept of such things. and then it was like: ‘here this snail eats a bit of cabbage, not knowing its source or the people who picked it. this snail does not understand the supply and demand chain. it does what it wants, oblivious to the suffering of others.’

[image description: werner herzog speaking with captions that have been edited to say “I would like to see the snail documentary”]

the cake says 3 but there are at least 6 rats pictured

they are all brothers and they are all turning 3

Morzsi

I once stayed at a B&B in Scotland that had 3 of these beasts. On the booking form it said “must like dogs”. What it didnt tell you was “you will open the door to your room in the morning and the dog will be looking eye to eye with you”

honestly Catholicism and Catholic culture are fascinating. from a distance! from a distance

it’s like seeing apex predators at the zoo. like it’s interesting but you’re grateful for the plexiglass and you cannot relate on any level to the people trying to jump over the fence

Sheep in Human Clothing