Jumbled Thoughts

tags from @inneskeeper are SO GOOD

The walls didn't bleed, but the black sludge that slid down them at the first hint of rain had no plausible source. The cellar smelled of death, and yet the rammed earth had been swept clean. Doors slammed. The hot water was either ice cold, or a hazard. The stairs were... agile and greasy.

"Do you remember when Grandma got sick? When her feelings got too big and she got tired and sad?" She said, softly and quietly to her children, holding their hands. "I think the house's feelings got very big. I think the house saw some really scary things like Grandma did when she was little, and it's feelings are too big to carry. I don't think houses are supposed to feel things like that. It doesn't want to be mean, it's just tired and sad. We don't have to let it be mean, but we can't be mean back, okay?"

Ashleigh would read the house bedtime stories from her thick, cardboard, books. Stories about the moon, and kittens, and even one about a friendly spider. She still saw shadows sometimes, but they only stood in the doorway now. They didn't try to reach for her ankles in the dark. That was okay, because she didn't like to sleep alone anyway. She would tell the shadow goodnight, and that she hoped it had good dreams.

Bryce knew to use the infra-red thermometer to check the water before showers. "Hey, it really hurts when you try to burn me. Okay? I just don't want to stink like a-... like butt after band. I don't know why you don't want us to shower but like... see these things on the floor? They're rough so you can't slip or nothing, okay? Please don't burn me." And it didn't. Sometimes the temperature shifted a little but never as badly as before.

Sometimes they prayed with the house. They weren't sure what else to do. They didn't pray at it, and it wasn't exactly Christian or ... anything else really, but they just ... just... sat with it, and said words of gratitude and peaceful contemplation. They wondered if it missed that moment of familial togetherness around the table. Each of them would note something good about their day, and something that maybe had been bad but had taught them something important, and there was always mention of being grateful for a roof over their heads... that shelter, togetherness, and safety made it a Home.

"I like it here, Mommy." Ashleigh had said once. "It was scary at first but you were right... the house was just scared. We were new, and different and I think the house was scared we might tear it up and change it. But I like it here."

"I like it here too, Baby." She had said, quietly. She liked that she could afford to feed, clothe, and house two children because the house had sold for pennies on the dollar. She liked that there was room here for hobbies and game rooms, for a home office and a real dining room. "I think, deep down, the house likes us too. We know some sad things happened here, and that's a lot of big feelings. I think that as long as we're good to the house and show it that it doesn't have to be scary, or scared... that it'll get better."

That night she stared at the spot of damp threatening to leech through the fresh coat of paint. "House... or... whoever you are. My kids have been through a lot. And we're going to keep having this little talk for as long as we have to. Please just love them the way I love them. Love them the way they love you. You see how they walk in the door after school and the world falls off of their shoulders because they're home? That's not just us, that's you too."

The house settled, almost sighed. It, the amalgamation of suffering and grief and love and joy and birthday parties and funerals and breakfasts and beatings and... life... emotions... feelings... It, the House, considered the wisdom of this Mother's words. It could run them away and sip on their fear and rage or it could love them fiercely, and grow strong with them for generations.

That... wouldn't be so bad.

I was at work and I had the hiccups and I was stocking an aisle and this lady in the aisle heard me hiccuping and said "oh have you got the hiccups?" and I said yeah and she said "...Do you want me to get rid of them?" and I thought she meant she was going to scare me so I was like "n-no thanks" and she was like "you want to keep your hiccups??" and I said "yeah please dont scare me" and then I wandered off

And then a couple minutes later I still had hiccups and she walked by on her way out and she said "I wasn't going to scare you you know" and I said "you weren't?" and she said "no -- I have a way I can cure hiccups" and I was like "well what is it?" she's like "theres something about me that when I talk to people their hiccups just go away. i just chat or maybe tell them a story and after a minute or so their hiccups are just gone" and I thought she was like definitely on some pseudoscience shit so i kind of laughed and joked like "you should expect a call from the X-Men soon then" and she said "no. For real. I bet your hiccups are gone now aren't they?" and sure enough my fucking hiccups were gone. They stopped while she was speaking to me and didn't come back all night

what the fuck kind of power did this woman have... was she a hiccup witch??? I have so many questions for her

When I was a kid I had a theory that superpowers were real, but only one person in all of history could have 1 superpower, and all the cool and noticable superpowers were already used by the time we got to modern society, so we just had weird, almost unusable powers that you don't even notice

Perhaps my theory was correct.

Okay that is an extremely cool concept holy shit. Kid-you was onto something there

transphobia is truly such a miserable mindset. to live in a world where no one is mutable and nothing can be abstract. no one can change or decide who they want to be or enjoy the wonders of modern medicine. everyone has to live and die by pointless kindergarten rules, but no one can reimagine themselves or create a different world. don’t you get tired of black and white and making up boxes and plugging your ears to the reality that nature is complicated and funny, and human hearts can feel infinitely?

holy shit ur so right

I was thinking about exactly that, seeing a terf talking about that one nonbinary child alien library mascot. She was somehow livid that an extraterrestrial in dungarees used they/them, and said they were erasing women. And of course, then she spun a narrative of, "imagine you just had your lower body painfully RIPPED apart to give life to this world, and then you had to fend for yourself against the trials of raising a kid in these times, maybe without even the help of a mommy group. Harrowing, taxing in both mind and body, but you manage to get through a few years of screaming and budgeting and suffering. And then, you go to the library, only to find that they're ERASING the very CONCEPT of womanhood, after all you've sacrificed!!!"

and like

damn, maybe someone with that attitude towards child-rearing should not, in fact, rear a child. It sounds like something that will end poorly for all involved.

what your favorite hozier song says about you:

take me to church: you’re either basic or kinky

like real people do: you’re a hopeless romantic

angel of small death and the codeine scene: you probably do a lot of recreational drugs and drinking

cherry wine: you have trauma

from eden: you used to be christian and now have a grudge against the religion or you’re very cynical

work song: you’re a lesbian

arsonist’s lullaby: you’re edgy and have trauma

to be alone: you’re horny, but only a little bit

someone new: you’re very wholesome

in a week: you’re a lesbian

jackie and wilson: you’re idealistic

nfwmb: you’re a bottom

moment’s silence: you just really wanna eat some pussy

shrike: you’re sad

sedated: you’ve struggled with addiction

it will come back: you are feral

foreigner’s god: you drink that respecting women juice

in the woods somewhere: you have a lot to unpack mentally

run: you’re probably pretentious

nina cried power: you hate capitalism (as you should)

almost: you’re basic

movement: you’re emotional as hell

no plan: you’re a nihilist

nobody: you’re an optimistic nihilist

to noise making: you like to sing along to songs obnoxiously loud

as it was: you have a thing for horror and creepy undertones

talk: you either love mythology or you’re horny

be: you’re nostalgic for the good times

dinner and diatribes: you’re a bottom

would that i: you’re a lesbian

sunlight: you really like greek mythology

wasteland, baby: you’re very tender

jackboot jump: you really, really hate capitalism

yo does anyone else feel CONSTANTLY guilty? like you’ve always done something wrong but you don’t know what it is?

Yes, and I’ve spoken to my therapist about it, who offered an explanation:

She says that people who from a young age were made to feel like they kept doing things wrong - people who’s parents had impossibly high standards for them, people who were bullied, people who have special needs, people who didn’t develop crushes on the “right” people, people who didn’t act like the “right” gender - basically ended up being made to feel guilty so much that guilt became their default response to everything. Guilt became the emotional response to anything which the person didn’t already have a set emotion for.

People for whom guilt is the default emotional response are also more likely to have low self-esteem, doubt their own experiences, and experience impostor syndrome. So, watch out for that too guys

From an archivist/special collections person

There is a world of difference between Lizzo playing James Madison’s 200 year old crystal flute belonging to the Library of Congress and a Kardashian wearing Marilyn Monroe’s custom made dress.

Lizzo handled it with care and respect. The object wasn’t altered or damaged in the short period she handled it. It was immediately returned, after a very short time with Lizzo, to the custom case and protection. We love to see it.

I would also add, it was offered to Lizzo by the library of Congress, not Lizzo asking/demanding access. Lizzo also did a tour of the flute collection with the staff that cares and manages that collection, and I can promise that involved a speech about handling and such before she was able to use anything. The Library of Congress has stated that many of the instruments in their collection have been donated with the specifications that they be played.

This is miles apart from wearing a fragile textile garment that was custom made (including dyed to match Marilyn Monroe’s skin and even sewing her into it) for a specific person. Wearing textiles puts stress on them, wearing old textiles really puts stress on them. Playing a flute is no where near that level.

Archives and historical collections are meant to be used. But not all use is the same.

what if… JFM was the one who taught JYL how to cook?

While JC is clearly his mother’s son- JYL is clearly her father’s daughter and that got me thinking about their other similarities.

One of my fave things about Wei Ying is that when he fantasized about living with Lan Zhan, he imagined Lan Zhan staying home and mending clothes and cooking and cleaning and just generally waiting for Wei Ying to get back. Because Wei Ying imagined that he would go out and hunt or fish or farm. Wei Ying’s dirty fantasy was that Lan Zhan would live a domestic life with him where he provided food (at least ingredients).

It will never stop being funny that, in the WangXian dynamic, the man who is rumoured to have had sex with so many women as well as had virgins (for their blood? For the sex? For fun? Who knows? Have a virgin!) just hanging around, he fantasized about having a domestic life and farming and fishing. And the “Light Bearing Lord” who came from a respected family and is known as cold and standoffish and feared as much as he’s respected, he fantasized about sex eight times a day with his husband.

It’s hilarious! But, it is also terribly sad!

Wei Ying just wants a home. A place he can go where someone is waiting for him. A place that he can go to and the someone waiting for him is happy that he’s there. A place where he can relax and have fun and his idea of fun is fishing, hunting, and farming. A place where he’s allowed to just be himself, no pretending necessary, he can just exist and have someone exist by his side in harmony.

And then, while I’m thinking about this, I remember that my actual favourite thing from the book is when Wei Ying sits on Little Apple and has Lan Wangji pull the reins because he remembers his mom sitting while his dad pulled the reins. And he thinks about how great it would be if they had a kid so that the kid could sit on Lan Zhan’s shoulders like he sat on his dad’s shoulders. And he recreates this scene, this innocuous scene and it makes him so happy and Lan Zhan doesn’t even question for a milisecond why Wei Ying wants him to do this after he realizes that it makes Wei Ying happy.

They just… am love each other… so much… for so long… and they… they… they are they and that is wonderful…

Lan Wangji heard Beyoncé sing “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it” and took it to heart

Local deity Yiling Laozu was not prepared for such a short engagement💀

Is your mission important enough to miss on a local dilf (deity I’d like to fuck)? I don’t think so

For all that WWX has a lot of pride, he very quickly gets over any resistance to LWJ helping him with both ordinary and extraordinary things. In fact, he comes to outright enjoy it (and gets some extra glee out of it when he thinks he’s tricking LWJ into it lol).

Early on when they’re traveling together, WWX does resist LWJ carrying him because “[f]or a grown man to still need to be carried; that looks so bad.”

However, he gets over it very quickly:

(Chapter 25, Taming Wangxian translation)

I think it’s possible to interpret WWX deflecting when LWJ asks him about how much of the curse mark has faded (Chapter 28), but I think I interpret that scene more as honest non-concern. He just doesn’t think the curse mark is a problem, so he’s happy to joke about stripping and showing LWJ. I particularly think it is meant to be a joke rather than a deflection because he basically says so – “Today was the first instance whereby he started to joke about in such a manner again” after his MXY act.

I think the only time WWX resists LWJ’s help in the rest of the story is after his identity has been revealed in Lanling.

(Chapter 50, ExR translation)

What I think is notable here, though, is that in the novel (unlike in CQL), WWX doesn’t try to push LWJ away or actually claimed he’d deceived him. He wants to protect LWJ, and does so by making sure LWJ understands what he’s risking, but he doesn’t actually try to stand alone and take all the consequences on himself. He double checks that LWJ wants to stand with him, and then he lets him do that.

This is also when he has his realization about “when everyone feared and flattered him, Lan WangJi scolded him right in his face; when everyone spurned him and loathed him, Lan WangJi stood by his side.” LWJ does not jump on bandwagons or join in mobs. He makes a decision and is sincere about it and stands by it. If LWJ has decided to stay with him, WWX can trust that.

So after this, he just…lets LWJ help him. He’s happy to have LWJ help him.

As they leave Cloud Recesses for the Burial Mounds, he “tricks” LWJ into helping him onto Lil’ Apple when he clearly didn’t need the help (Chapter 66) because he associates that action with his parents and a happy time with them. He sees this help as affection (which it is).

During the Second Siege, he asks LWJ to help him with dealing with all the fierce corpses. Afterwards, he continues to lean into LWJ helping him even when it’s not necessary:

(Chapter 84, ExR)

“If he could be carried, why should he stand?” To me, this reads like, “if he could have someone help him, why stand alone?” LWJ wants to support him, and WWX wants to let him.

And then, of course, the tree scene.

(Chapter 87, ExR)

He doesn’t really need the help. He’s willing to do this on his own and bear the consequences for them. But it would still be “more than wonderful” to have someone with him to catch him, support him.

This attitude continues right through the climax.

(Chapter 104, ExR)

Ultimately, while WWX is independent enough to recognize throughout the story that he doesn’t really need a lot of the help LWJ offers, he accepts it anyway. More than that – sometimes he seeks it out. He wants it. WWX recognizes that help is a form of affection, and he is happy about receiving it – further, accepting help is affection as well, and he is also happy about giving that.

This also emphasizes that his attitude during his first life was strongly based on circumstances, not part of his personality. He didn’t do things on his own out of some sort of stubborn independence or an unwillingness to burden anyone – he did things on his own because he was trying to keep the secret of the core transfer and he didn’t think anyone actually would help him (which he was right about).

Once he comes to trust that someone wants to help him, he is more than happy to accept that help. His journey isn’t a struggle to let people help him. His pride and independence don’t really get in his way. He just needed someone there to catch him, and once he has that, it’s more than wonderful.

The fact that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were both raised in such stifling environments but in vastly different ways and how that influenced them is so interesting to me.

Wei Wuxian was raised in an environment where he was punished (verbally or physically) at will, with no rhyme or reason, and only ever him being the one singled out. In a sense there really weren’t any rules at Lotus Pier because rules would imply a structure and more than one person being held to the same standard. Which there wasn’t.

So, rather unsurprisingly, if you dish out punishment at random it eventually loses meaning and all sense of consequence. And even more unsurprisingly what Wei Wuxian learns from this is that if punishment is unavoidable either way then why not at least earn it?

And it’s pretty obvious he takes this mindset with him to the Cloud Recesses:

- Chapter 14 of the EXR Translation

Keep in mind that it’s not that Wei Wuxian can’t recognize when there will be consequences for his actions but rather that he’s learned there will be consequences no matter what, and in that case he might as well just be himself.

Lan Wangji, meanwhile, was raised in nearly the opposite environment where there were precise rules (3,000 of them to be exact) and an exacting structure to follow. At any given time Lan Wangji knew exactly when something would get him in trouble and what the consequences would be for it.

And so Lan Wangji learns not blind obedience but rather how to identify when a rule is worth breaking and suffering consequences for. It’s not about avoiding punishment for him but rather if something is still worth doing despite the punishment.

Lan Wangji does respect the Lan Sect’s rules and makes an effort to uphold himself to them—but he also doesn’t believe they are infallible. It’s why he rescues Wei Wuxian after Nightless City and fights his sect’s seniors, but it’s also why he returns to the Lan Sect to accept his punishment. It’s why as a child he still goes to his mother’s house despite being told not to. Because for him these people are worth any punishment he could receive.

So yeah, lol, it’s no wonder Lan Wangji at fifteen is so bothered when this disciple frivolously breaks the rules at will for something like alcohol, and it’s no wonder Wei Wuxian doesn’t put much stock in the Lan Sect’s rules and punishments when before such things have held as much substance as water for him.

But I like that they’ve managed to find a balance between them after all these years. :)

.... I had a Thought. I think WWX and JYL reacted very similarly to living in the jiang family actually? Both of them try to keep the peace and please the angry side of the family (Jc and YZY) as they could. JC gets to be placated and have his tantrums soothed, YZY gets.... Dealt with in the way that causes least damage. They really feel like they're both getting the eldest sibling treatment and its interesting to me how fandom reacts to them so differently considering their way to go about things is not truly that far apart, except from the reaction they get based on their position (as in WWX gets a worse deal overall because of his status and such).

They also are alike in that they tried their best to keep the things they thought important. WWX stood up to YZY when he really felt the need to, JYL kept treating WWX as a brother even though the extent she could care for him was being limited.

Idk its just not a comparison I see made a lot, or at all. JYL gets put down so much as too passive and WWX gets seen as this careless chaotic person, which I already disagreed with, but the more I think about it, I think they can act pretty similarly actually.

Wei Wuxian: Uh, Lan Zhan? Why are there radishes in our bed?

Lan Wangji: Sizhui had a nightmare. I told him you would not mind him laying with you.

Wei Wuxian: Aww, poor thing. What about-

Lan Wangji: Lan Jingyi woke up and found him gone so he came here. He decided to also join so he could help comfort Sizhui.

Wei Wuxian: Okay but-

Lan Wangji: Ouyang Zizhen didn't want to be left alone in the guest room because he said it was too scary. So he followed Jingyi.

Wei Wuxian: Then what about-

Lan Wangji: Jin Ling informed me to tell you that he was forced into joining the "stupid cuddle puddle" since everyone else was and it is in no way because he wanted to or anything.

Wei Wuxian: Sounds like him.

Lan Wangji: Mn.

Wei Wuxian: But where the hell does Jiang Cheng, Wen Ning and Zewu-Jun come in?

*Both turn to see the two sect leaders also curled up on the bed, fast asleep while Wen Ning sat near the edge of the bed, eyes closed*

Lan Wangji:

Wei Wuxian:

Lan Wangji: I do not know. They were already here when I had awoken.

Wei Wuxian: I didn't realize our bed was so big.

Lan Wangji, who had awoken upon the floor, sitting at the table with an annoyed frown: It is not.

I think so much about the food people ate pre-Columbian exchange. Huge parts of cuisine extremely important on both sides of the pond just didn't exist.

You've probably heard a little about what was brought over from the New World, corn, potatoes, cocoa, cassava, peanuts, chili peppers, avocadoes, cranberries, pumpkins, and the like. Imagine cooking without chili! Without potatoes! Modern Indian cuisine contains enormous amounts of potatoes and we just didn't have those for the vast majority of history. The best of the nightshades all on one contiguous hunk of land. Hell, tomatoes! Almost forgot about those.

But we don't often look at what the Old World had. Wheat! Barley! Rice! A profusion of incredible grains, really, the finest poaceae has to offer. Carrots! Tons of rosaceous plants like apples and cherries and pears and peaches and apricots! Grapes! Soy and Bamboo! Okra and watermelon! All these things were simply never found in the Americas. The grains one is the wildest for me, the variety of grains available across Eurasia and Africa was truly astounding.

You know what binds together the food of all cultures across the world? Onions. Onions are fucking everywhere. There's probably onions growing near you right now. Allium Gang Unite.

Still remember when a homo- and transphobic acquaintance tried to bring up JKR’s views on trans people in conversation and I shut it down with «oh yeah she’s been saying a lot of dumb shit on Twitter after she finished writing Harry Potter, like when she claimed Dumbledore was gay, just to be politically correct», which made it absolutely impossible for him to admit that he agreed with anything JKR had ever said. Sometimes you just have to weaponise people’s homophobia against their transphobia.

Other ways to stop family members/acquaintances from going on bigoted rants:

The point is that I’ve used all of these in various contexts and they’ve saved a good number of dinner table conversations from derailing into pointless debating. You don’t de-radicalise friends and family members by entering into political discussions they initiate just to stir up shit. You de-radicalise them by shifting the focus away from their shitty opinions and onto the things you have in common and the practical everyday stuff that exists outside their internet echo chambers.

I think it’s one thing to be born a pessimist and have heartbreaking experiences that confirm your doubts.

I think it’s a second thing to be born a realist and have heartbreaking experiences that hurt, but not in ways that aren’t foreseen.

I think the it’s a much different thing to be born an optimist and to have heartbreaking experiences that tear down your hope and alter your expectations.

I think the pessimist comes out, not much different, but with better understanding of the world and its cruel sentences.

I think the realist comes out a little different, with cosmic changes in strength and compassion.

I think the optimist, most of the time, is broken into an entirely new human being.