Paige

You’re wack af if you take advantage of someone you know has a soft spot for you.

becoming older than 10 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

girlies if youre into occult shit witchcraft astrology whatever the fuck.. potions maybe even eating leaves… you’re so hot

i had the best human interaction of all time last night. i was sitting at a bar eating an appetizer and this guy comes up to order a drink and stares at my food and comments how good it looks. when i am drunk i use the word bitch like it is a comma, i plug it into any space in a sentence possible. so naturally the first thing i say to this stranger is, “go ahead and take one, bitch.”

he looks SO shocked and taken aback and goes “what did you just say? how do you know my name?” so i sit there for a moment trying to figure out what the fuck he is talking about, and then go, “…. bitch?” and he looks so relieved and tells me his name is mitch.

i cannot stop thinking about this. oh my god. imagine going into a bar and someone you know for a fact youve never met approaches you and says “go ahead and take one, mitch.” im cracking the fuck up. he looked like he thought this was the fucking truman show

.

This is literally how any best friend would react in a situation like this and is probably one of the realest lines in any Marvel movie to date.

a msg to u from the dog that finally learned how to give me the dang ball

DAN HAS SPARKLY NAIL POLISH ON

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THIS IS SO MEAN BUT I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING I’M SORRY

bless you

coming out as a top on this site was the hardest thing i ever did

“hey toppy!!! you bone anything today??” i’ve had enough.

oh me??????

donate to my kickstarter so i can build a time machine and

“oh but how will you seduce cleopatra?” you might ask because you’re a moron. it’s simple: i’m 6′2″ and i’m fat. fatness was considered attractive back then because if you were fat, that meant you were wealthy enough to get fat. plus, 6′2″ is unreasonably gigantically tall in the BC times. 

so cleopatra will be like “a giant? AND he’s got stretch marks?” and she’ll instantly become infatuated with my rotund, hairy body 

then i will live in royalty for the rest of my days. kickstarter backers will have their names written in my tomb, baffling archaeologists for centuries to come. 

My favorite part of this is that OP didn’t feel the need to explain how he’d get Julius Caesar addicted to hentai.

Happy Indigenous People’s Day!

oof.