That sounds so overwhelming and exhausting, and it makes a lot of sense that you're feeling like you're at a point where hospitalization is your only option. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with so much trauma and pain in the past months, and you absolutely deserve care and support as you navigate this.
One alternative that might be helpful is something called peer respite. Peer respites are voluntary options for crisis stabilization that are completely run by people who also have lived experience with mental health and navigating the system. They are usually in a home-like setting and you can usually stay there for 7-10 days, access 1 on 1 peer emotional support, participate in group activities, get support with things like meals and daily activities, and get support making a plan for how you want to approach your healing. You can leave at any time, have visitors, and there is no strip searching or restraint. Here's a post explaining more about them with a link to a directory of peer respites.
Unfortunately, there are not peer respites available in every state yet. If there is not one available where you are, there are still some options that might be preferable to hospitalization. If you are interested in getting immediate referrals to another form of treatment, like outpatient clinics or partial hospitalization, psychiatric urgent care is another option. Psychiatric urgent care is a crisis option that has some risks of hospitalization, but less than going to an emergency room. When you go to a psychiatric urgent care, usually you get an evaluation from a clinician, and are then given an immediate referral to some form of treatment, which can include outpatient treatment, Partial hospitalization, or inpatient hospitalization. If you are interested in avoiding hospitalization, it's important to downplay suicidal ideation and make it clear to doctors that you do not have a plan, and convince them that you are not in immediate danger. I also would not recommend anyone who is actively experiencing psychosis/altered states going to psych urgent care, as there is a much higher risk of hospitalization. I just want to be very clear that psychiatric urgent care still has a risk of hospitalization and it's not always predictable what will happen, but it is a way to get immediate referrals to care that is less risky than going into a general emergency room.
As much as I wish there were really expansive networks of care set up in every state, I know that the reality is, it isn't always possible to access these things yet. I've made a post in the past talking about tips for surviving hospitalization if it gets to a point where it is unavoidable. I'll also add on that if at all possible, writing down your wishes in a psych advance directive before hospitalization, and bringing someone with you who can act as an advocate, represent your needs, and fight for you in the system, is a way to try to mitigate some of the harms caused by psych hospitalization.
If you want more specific alternatives for your area, please feel free to send another ask telling me what state you live in/if you live outside the US. I know a lot of random options for crisis stabilization that are slightly less shitty than hospitalization, even if they aren't as good as peer respite.
Really sending all the love and solidarity your way, anon, and I hope that you're able to access the care that you need during this incredibly difficult time.
