Pike: You know, it's amazing. Every time I ask you to do something, you always manage to screw it all up.
Jim: And yet, you continue to ask me.
Jim: Will you stick around and help me out with the Admiral?
Uhura: I'm so sorry, Captain, but I'm afraid I have a meeting.
Jim: Oh, you know, they called and cancelled that meeting.
Uhura, to herself: He cancelled my fake meeting.
Scotty: Gaila told me that instead of being sad, I should "Go get it, girl." So I'm going to "go get it, girl."
Sulu: Get what?
Scotty: Unclear. I’ll get everything, just to be safe.
Jim: It’s not my fault!
Spock: Then whose fault is it?
Jim: ...Mine!
Jim: Guys, I think we should split up. We'll cover more ground that way.
Scotty: Good idea.
[Jim leaves]
Scotty, to Sulu: The Captain is full of terrible ideas. Let's not split up.
Jim: I love disasters.
Uhura: Self love is a healthy thing.
Chekov: The Captain's trapped in an alternate dimension.
Scotty: Oh, not again.
Bones: Start talking!
Spock: I-
Bones: Shut up!
Jim: You know how you worry about me?
Bones: Yes?
Jim: Well, now you have reason to.
Scotty: It’s been a tough year.
Chekov: It’s the first week of February?
Scotty: Your point?
Sulu: You think you'll get married someday?
Jim: Not just someday. In exactly four years, but don't tell Bones. He's still a flight risk.
Scotty: I'm gonna be honest here...
Spock: Is that wise?
Scotty: No, but I'm gonna do it anyway.
Scotty: So how’d it go?
Jim: I think I accidentally joined a cult.
Scotty: So... not great?
Uhura: Is that vodka?
Sulu: Yeah.
Uhura: Straight?
Sulu: No I’m gay.
Uhura: I was talking about the vodka.
Jim: While I'm gone, Scotty, you're in charge.
Scotty: Yes!
Jim, whispering: Sulu, you're secretly in charge.
Sulu: Duh.
Bones: Did you have to stab him?
Sulu: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what he said to me.
Jim: What did he say?
Sulu: “What are you gonna do, stab me?”
Jim: ...That’s fair.
Scotty: I wouldn’t put it in those words exactly.
Uhura: Why not?
Scotty: Because I don’t know what they mean.
Jim: With great boredom comes great responsibility.
Bones: Please tell me you're not on the roof again.
Jim: I just slid in Bones’ DMs and he deactivated his whole account.
Jim: Where do I go from here?
Spock: Doctor, where are you going?
Bones: To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense.
Jim: And who's that?
Bones: Myself.