why say nip slip when peek-a-boob is so much better

dating tip: ask them to show you their recently used emojis so you can count your matches and see if you are compatible

i smile at da booty

da booty smiles back

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING AT THE DOG OR THE BALD GUY

you’d think at 32 years old ryan gosling would be ryan goose by now

How is sponge bob a sponge if everyone in his family are chocolate chip cookies

‘am i right ladies’ is the best way to end any text post am i right ladies 

my mom just said “watch this” then ran a red light and said “i just don’t care”

CAN I JUST SAY TO ANYONE SUFFERING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS YOU ARE ONE BADASS MOTHER FRICKER BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE TERRIFYING THAN BATTLING WITH YOUR OWN MIND EVERY SINGLE DAY

no wonder they’re called oral presentations they suck dick

checking tumblr in public

my mom bought me a camouflage sweater today and i was like mom why did u do that and she said “so u can go hunting for men”

I just want someone who will kiss me when I’m mad and lets me cry in front of them and buys me pizza and watches scary movies with me and holds my hand real tight even if it’s sweaty and thinks I’m beautiful no matter what I look like and lets me steal their sweaters so I can sleep with their smell on my skin and who laughs at the same things I do and just never lets me go, no matter how hard I try to push them away.