Our blessed tumblr

A holy site

Nah nah nah, you ain’t hiding this in the tags

Not one of the 7 deadly sins, but a secret 8th sin

sorry what

Hellsite of choice

I love my husbeast so fucking much

* His mother is a physics teacher, he says to his mother: without touching the ball, throw it in another cup and get 50 dollars, look what his mother does! 😳😂*

SAME

I know, I know, gatekeeping the outdoors, that's supposedly bad, right, but I think if you show up to do a hike and you brought a portable speaker with you to play music while you hike, I think, like hear me out, there should be a gate, and someone at the gate should keep you from doing the hike.

playing music in public should get strong social disapproval

Recorded music, anyway. Live music is different rules. If you want to lug an entire cello up a mountain you can do whatever the hell you want.

Baws

Me before watching the video: What does “Baws” mean???

Me 30 seconds into the video: BAWS

This whole thing cost me $5

We don’t appreciate the fact that Bruce Wayne is a Kardasian level celebrity enough. Everyone knows him. I want more one shots and crack fic moments where the League (Pre identity reveals) just openly talk about Bruce Wayne in front of Batman.

Just imagine them playing fuck, marry, kill with famous actors and such and throwing Bruce into the mix. And Batman just sits there, silently suffering as he listens to the reasons why Flash and Lantern would marry, fuck, or kill him. He prays they choose kill. They don’t.

Barry: Eat the rich!

Bruce: Oh thank Go-

Clark: Oh, I intend to 🥴🥵

It’s Batman’s turn. Bruce needs to decide whether to marry himself for the money or throw himself off the cliff.

Okay but can you imagine what kind of identity reveal situation that would be?

“I would fuck —-, I would marry —-, and then I would commit suicide.”

“Batman, that’s not how the game is played. You have to choose for Bruce Wayne.”

“I did.”

“…WHAT?!”

“I would kill Bruce Wayne just to get him out of this conversation.”

This works best if the reveal comes after literally everyone else has played, and half of the people have said “I’d marry Bruce Wayne for the money” and the other half have not only said that they’d fuck him, but been reasonably graphic as to how.

Flash: So, tall, dark, and scary, what’ll it be? Are you going to marry Bruce Wayne so he can fund all of your sick gadgets? Maybe you’ll be a gentle lover to him like Aquaman here, work him over like a hunk of meat like Supes? Or maybe Brucie is the one person in the world you break your code for. Come on, what’ve you got for us?

Batman: -pauses- Honestly, I don’t think there will ever be a better time for this. -pulls off his cowl-

Justice League: -horrified screeching-

pLEASE- 😭🤚

World Heritage Post

Down a Rabbit Hole I Went

I screwed up. I didn't think that using an ancient language on a piece of tumblr merch was necessary but I forgot what site I was on :) . This is tumblr, of course it has to be in linguistically accurate cuneiform. I went and hired an expert on Ancient Semitic Languages and Cultures. There aren't as many as you'd think that are willing to translate text for an internet gag so I'm so happy I found Paul.

Notes on the translation from the translator:

I used the ventive suffix on the imperative "give (rib+am)" which is a special feature of Akkadian that indicates the motion of direction. It makes it a little bit more authentic. The longer version actually includes the words "to me (ana iasim)", but a typical Akkadian speaker probably wouldn't have needed to say that.

Also, for the word "money" I used the Sumerian (KUG.BABBAR) instead of spelling out the Akkadian, because that was a common feature in Akkadian scribal writing. For the font I was happily surprised that Google has a Cuneiform font, so not only is it correct but it looks pretty neat too. Right now you can buy both versions in the shop but cuneiform version won't ship for a week or so as I have to order new stock with the new design.

So you’re saying the original stock was

Substandard

..... welp.

Now i want it.

The original tweet is the corniest thing I’ve ever fucking seen

A. They're not gonna tip you, periodt. So already the $10mil is looking better.

B. They're not gonna talk to you, so any "business advice" you thought was gonna be worth more than $10mil, that's null and void, aint happening.

C. Here's the real secret of their "success"; they're all bad people. That's literally it. They're willing to lie, steal, cheat, bully, oppress, rape, etc to get what they want, and their appetites are never sated, so they never stop lying, cheating, etc. You don't get that kind of money through hard honest work. If you're willing to be a big enough piece of shit, you could easily be one of these guys.

So yeah, if someone's offering that choice, get it in writing and stay the hell away from these creeps.

But if you're serving them you can poison the food

Ten million dollars also buys a lot of poison blow darts

Bruce Wayne, sitting in a cute eco-friendly cafe while on a video call with Tim: Oh Noooo, are you sure there’s no way the board of directors will let us get rid of this old decrepit Wayne Factory building that is unsafe for our workers and also for the surrounding environment?

CEO Tim, with equal gravitas: No, I’m afraid they just won’t budge. It technically meets legal requirements on paper, and we can’t prove that the chemicals affecting the local ecosystem are from the out-of-date drainage system… they’re saying it would cost too much to fix the place up too, which is ridiculous, because we’re us, but our hands are tied…

Bruce, full Brucie himbo mode: Oh I just feel so SAD for all the sweet fluffy animals and the pretty flowers and especially our hard workers dealing with such unsafe conditions… I think I’ll give them all a nice short vacation this weekend, so the ENTIRE PLACE will be EMPTY and SHUT DOWN from FRIDAY TO TUESDAY, the SECURITY SYSTEM WILL BE DOWN because it’s just so GLITCHY, I’m sure no one will do anything about the ENVIRONMENTAL STAIN ON OUR COMPANIES NAME THAT WILL BE COMPLETELY ABANDONED FROM FRIDAY TO TUESDAY- Timmy do you think I’m being too subtle?

Tim, snickering: no no you’re doing great Bruce I’m sure they’ve got it

Poison Ivy, on a date the next table over: ( ‘-‘)-☕️

Harley, through tears of repressed laughter: so… we doing anythin’ this weekend?

Everybody talks about cutting ppl off but nobody really talks about the grief that comes with having to stand firm on that decision knowing it’s not what you wanted but what was necessary for your well-being.

“someone else could do it better than me” not relevant babe, no one else is gonna do it. You can’t do a mediocre job if you’re the only one doing it

The tags are impeccable.

[Screenshot of tags:

#technically the wright brothers created the worst airplanes in the world.]

Guardian of Spring by LexiaStark

Happy Pride, especially to this artist.

The worst thing filmmaker’s ever did was decide that because it’s called “Dracula” it must be because it’s about the actual guy Dracula and his melancholic woes and alluring world of darkness and seduction and not the fact that every single character in the book hates him. Every single worker he comes across cusses him out and tells him he’s ugly and his vibes are rancid. Jonathan Harker wants to chop him up with a machete Quincy wants to shoot him so bad Renfield wants to crush his windpipe Van Helsing and Seward and Arthur and Mina and everyone else want him dead by impalement and decapitation. It’s called “Dracula” because every single character wants a piece of that bastard.

So fun fact: At some point in my life I got it into my head I wanted to make a Highly Ambitious Sci-Fi Simulation Murder Mystery Game, where all the characters in it were fully simulated and had their little simulated goals and ANY of them could have done it and it was up to you to piece together the clues they’d naturally leave behind in the wake of their nefarious deeds to decide who actually had the means and opportunity as you slowly realized EVERYONE present had motive.  Obviously, it would be a riff on Murder on the Orient Express, but that’s not important.  But, when I realized that I wanted to have a SINGLE person be the target of all that aggression, I realized in my heart of hearts that person had to be Dracula.  And BOY did the plot of the game write itself out at that point. So many various reasons people could want this bastard dead. 

Ultimately, the ambitiousness of the simulation was its undoing: I wasn’t yet in a point in my programmer skill tree where I knew how to properly debug AI, so it ended up unfinished (and for a platform I no longer have access to, alas).  HOWEVER let me leave you with my very favorite bug: Because I needed lots of reasons for characters to be constantly moving around and not just holing up in their space-train cars, they had various bodily needs, like hunger and thirst and the need to go to the bathroom, you know, normal things.  Imagine my horror and delight when I was running a test game to figure out why Dracula kept Not Getting Murdered only to discover he was *LOCKING HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND PISSING ETERNALLY*.  Turns out I had a bug where you just...wouldn’t stop.   I ALSO had a bug with the locking mechanism and people could let themselves IN but not out, so eventually the entire cast ended up there in the Infinite Piss room, unable to leave, and unwilling to murder because of all the witnesses.  Hell is real and its a buggy simulation game.

Op I’ve been laughing at this for 5 minutes. Literally have tears streaming down my face.

Y... you're OP.

dracula, omfg

Love that his reaction to being pranked was to pull the exact same prank on his buddy

Dracula: Hm, that human mother is being super annoying about her dead kid at the gate. How do I fix that? Wolves? I’ll say wolves.

Dracula: What’s that? My good friend Jonathan Harker wants to leave ahead of schedule? Think I’ll do some wolves about that.

Dracula: Damn, seems that old Dutchman has blocked off one (1) single window with garlic blossoms and now this one (1) specific girl in all of England is barred from me. Maybe I should use my title and/or some invented pretense to cajole the girl’s mother into letting me in. Or maybe I could just move on to a different victim out of the nigh endless blood buffet I specifically moved here to enjoy, none of whom have a small legion of blood donors and vampire-proofing scholars on their side.

Dracula:

Dracula, about to slam dunk a wolf through the window: Or,

dracula whenever anything:

My mom just told me you’re not a woman until you get blood on nearly every pair of pants you love. I was like, “what if you don’t have periods?” And she said “I didn’t say it had to be your own.”

I thought this was going to be cissexist and I was pleasantly surprised.

GET THE SWORDS LADIES