I mean, i get it. I understand why people always chose others. I would chose someone else too. Who wants a girl who gets anxiety attacks in the middle of the night? Who starts to cry for no reason and for any reason at the same time? I wouldn’t chose myself either. I get it.

monsters

As we grow older, we stop being afraid of monsters under our beds and in our closets. We know that they’re not real. We’ve become too grown-up to still be scared of things that don’t exist. We stop seing scary creatures when it gets dark outside and we stop being scared of walking alone in the dark. But as we get older, some things start becoming more and more real. We might stop thinking that there are monsters under our beds but we realize that they started living in our heads. And one thing always stays the same. They start crawling out of their hiding-place as it gets dark outside. They start making noise and they make your bones feel heavy when the sun sets. But those monsters will never leave.

I wish i could fix what's broken In my life, in all of my friends lifes More like in the whole world There's so many things wrong with this world we're living in and yet i struggle to think of anything i could do to change things All i do is write songs, write poetry and never even show it to anyone I try to be there for everyone at the same time but i also only have two shoulders for other people to cry on and sometimes my shoulders feel too heavy for anyone to lean onto them But it's not enough, right? It never is. There are so many things pulling me down to the ground and only so few lifting me back up What can i do about it? What the hell am i supposed to do about it?

What I always wonder about is, if it’s really worth the pain. If the good times are really worth the bad times. Everyone tells you that it’s worth it to stay alive but what if it’s not? I mean nobody knows how my future is going to be and maybe i’m going to be unhappy all my life. Maybe my life is not worth it. These are just thoughts that cross my mind sometimes. I know that ending my life would hurt people and I’m not planning on ending it but I can’t stop thinking about that.

I don't really know if i'm fine or if i'm just numb. It seems like i don't care about anything at all, and i don't know what is worse, caring about everything or about nothing.

I miss you

I know we haven’t seen each other or even talked to each other in a while. But i want you to know, that i’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and i want you to know that i miss you. Not ‘i regret what happened’ or ‘i want to see you again’ just 'i miss you’. Just i miss you It’s so strange that someone i knew so well, is now a total stranger to me That sometimes i go entire days, not thinking about you. Most of the time i let myself forget because it’s easier. But then i find something, a photo, a gift and the full weight of what i lost crashes down on me. A part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again. But all of those feelings become empty thoughts when i look back, when i remember love isn’t always what it seems. It’s just so easy to forget. But this isn’t regret, we had our reasons for ending it. But when it started, we didn’t need any reasons to fall in love. We just did.

And i just hope, that you miss me too.

And then you realize that theres no one there. No one to tell good news No one to tell about that movie you watched which made you cry Those are the moments you start asking yourself why no one really likes you but you aren’t really surprised because you don’t like yourself too. It’s just really weird to think that everything got better and end up crying about the same things again.

I wish things were different, I wish things never changed, I wish that things had always stayed the same. People change and things go wrong, I understand but i really wish it would be different. I wish you were here. That’s the only thing it would take to make me happy but it won’t ever happen because you don't feel the way I do. Maybe we’re not meant to be but, oh god, i wish we were.

And suddenly you realize that you're just wasting everyone's time and you just stop talking. You stop telling people how you feel or what you're doing and no one even cares.

And then you start thinking about your life and the descisions you’ve made. Whether it was right to act like this or whether it was right to let go the one who was your everything.

I hate those situations when you’re somewhere with a group of people and you’re just like knowing no one really minds if you’re there or not. Like you could disappear and no one would fucking notice. You’re just like the one no one really talks with, the one who’s just standing there, trying not to look as sad and disappointed as he is. Moments like that are like really important to me because i realize staying home is better than being with people who don’t even care about my well-being.

I’m so goddamn tired of everything I’m tired of feeling like no one cares about me I’m tired of hating the way i look I’m tired of feeling left out I’m tired of fake friends I’m tired of not being strong enough I’m tired of loving you I’m tired of being depressed all the time. And the worst thing is that i can’t do anything about it.

It’s 1 am right now and i should be sleeping because tomorrow’s gonna be a busy day but i’m just laying in my bed, listening to songs that remind me of you and tear me apart. It’s really weird that i’m still holding on to something that isn’t even there but it seems like i can’t give you up. I can’t give us up even if you already did and that hurts. It really does. I mean sometimes i forget about all the pain for a little while but it comes back every time. And i don’t wish i would forget you but i wish remembering you wouldn’t hurt. I don’t know when (or if) the pain will ever stop but i hope one day it will.

I just can’t think of you literally all the time knowing you don’t.

I guess friends should make you feel good about yourself and listen to every story you have to tell. I guess friends shouldn't make you feel unwanted or make you feel like you're just bothering them. I guess friends have bad times and they should accept you have bad times too. And i guess i should find out who my friends are.

I'm the one you talk to when you need someone to cry with. I'm not the one you ask out or even to hang out. I'm not the one who's called beautiful or pretty. I'm not being missed when i'm not there I guess it's because i don't laugh or talk much- and thats what i'm saying all the time "People get tired of you being sad" Because they want someone to laugh with until their stomach hurts - not someone who's just sitting there, tryin' to fit in and to look happy.