what do you want

I was 2 minutes 30 seconds late feeding her

hey everyone and welcome to my cain and abel roleplay sesh

is this an open rp

Yes but only if youre cain and I am abel

ok got it

great so I’m going to go tend to my plants obliviously and I cant see you and its windy so I cant hear you if you snuck up on me

*kills you*

now I’m God and I’m mad

what ever

I hit you with a lighting

who up?? Kill me

ive never wanted to eat a leaf more than i have when watching land before time movies

job interviews: did you mean, advanced lying

small talk: did you mean, normal lying

the concept of the self: did you mean, secret lying

What’s sex

some naked bullshit

When a song’s a banger but the lyrics hit a little too close to home

Deadass the funniest fucking part of Aladdin is when the Sultan goes “ah, Jafar, my most trusted advisor” and it cuts to Jafar like this:

why do food places have to give you that little tiny ass baby cup when you ask for water it’s so flagrant. water drinkers are treated like second class citizens in this country

you ask for soda they give you a trough sized cup, you’re treated like royalty. you ask for water they’re like oh baby wants his water? his wahwah? here you fucking go little man take this

A truck stop on my way to work is flying the McDonald’s flag at half mast

I’m gonna stop and take a picture of it on the way home

RIP Barbara Bush (1925-2018)

*precisely determines where i should take the next bite of my sandwich*

one of my biggest fears is that one day I will be standing in front of a microwave waiting for my hot pocket to heat up and my microwave will suddenly explode, impaling me instantly with shrapnel

apparently this is more relatable than I thought holy shit

modern brain: hehe warm food medieval brain: magic hot box will kill me if i dont kill it first

but it only works if 4 people are having sex lol

how many hands you got

two? don’t see how that’s relevant

allow me illustrate you

that’s still four people

i truly can’t make this any clearer

will smith isn’t gay. he has a wife and three beautiful, talented children

don’t know what you’re on about. will smith and slightly wider blue will smith have been married for years. they’re a hollywood love story

the new star wars looks so good

‘first day of summer and my cat has fleas’ pride flag