ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (2019)

conservative think tanks will be named something like "the american educational initiative," and you read their policy proposals and it's like "let's repeal the thirteenth amendment and send slavery back to the states." meanwhile liberal think tanks will be named something like "the foundation for the redemption of america's soul," and their policy proposals are "a 5% increase in capital gains tax over the next ten years, but you don't have to pay it if you submit a note from your doctor saying it makes you sad."

personally, even ignoring any other implications of the "cozy" / "wholesome" Marketing Label, I'm averse to them because they suggest you couldn't think of any better reason to play your video game.

you know when people talk about how the villagers in Animal Crossing used to be more rude and demanding, and it was frustrating at times, but it gave the whole thing a lot of character? and now they're all just sort of Generically Pleasant, even the ones that are nominally supposed to be kind of standoffish? that's where I'm at on "wholesome" games. you don't have to be edgy but for the love of god don't be edgeless. don't be twee.

thinking about the Moomin books and how they're stories about cute, silly cartoon animals that are also very aware of loneliness and longing. thinking about the way "Ghibli films" are often reduced to Well Rendered Anime Food and Pretty Meadows when people post about them, because the actual stories and characterizations aren't as GIF-able or easy to generalize. thinking about Recettear, a fun and cute little shop simulator where the core concept is "if you fall behind on your bills you are ruined. you are a child and you will be completely ruined."

there have to be ideas. you know? there have to be ideas.

experiencing hallucinations is nowhere near as interesting or intriguing as horror media hypes it up to be btw its mostly just annoying as fuck. like okay skinless body i see out of the corner of my vision you got me the first time but this shits gettin old pack it up......

"oh you have hallucinations that must be so scary 😲" actually the scariest part about having hallucinations isnt the Horrors its the stupid shit. its the thinking that your phone is always ringing or vibrating THATS the freakiest. in reality the lamest parts about it are the Hat Man shit because after a while it doesnt feel like anything scary. its just like on the same level of annoyance as a white theater kid reciting the lyrics from a hamilton rap at you

i love that the tags on this have boiled down to "i cant stand the tooth man" like were talking about a really annoying stupid coworker besides the water cooler and all nodding in agreement like yeah fuck the tooth man why doesnt he get a job

there’s no bad art! there’s no good art either. there’s no art at all because you haven’t drawn any

whoever said you can tell this was written by a writer and i should heed my own advice, take that back

Any conspiracy theory about people going missing in National Parks is automatically silly to me. Like "Why are National Parks such a hotbed of disappearances???" because they're full of idiots. You've got thousands of people who've never pissed outdoors in their life wandering around the woods/desert/mountain with zero experience and zero gear and zero understanding that this place can kill them. You don't see as many disappearances in wild areas because people don't go to them unless they have some background knowledge. Whereas you get tour buses full of old folks and suburban families shuttling people into National Parks 365 days a year. If you took the same amount of buffoons and dropped them in the actual wilderness the disappearances would be significantly higher than at the parks. Use your brain.

Some fun stuff from the notes:

Well, you know what....

OP turned off reblogs so this is my post now. Behold, the "Objective quality vs. degree of ferality" scale

Here are a few of my own personal datapoints:

“you’re so sensitive” i was born with a poet’s soul. bitch

Send your online friends letters. It's cheap, it's memorable, and it's tangible.

It costs me $1.50 US to send up to 30g of paper almost anywhere in the world, and given how the Universal Postal Union works I expect rates are similar anywhere else.

Pour your heart into it. Even if you're shit at words take the best shot you can. It genuinely can make their day.

Btw this bitch sent me a letter I thought was gonna be all emotional and lovey dovey so I got ready got my letter opener out and

It was a piece of paper with the word "gullible" in it.

Im not joking btw

chimney sweep

hi sorry Chimney Sweep is my cat's name and I call him Chimney for short so please enjoy photos of the boy himself Chimney

post cancelled this is more important

I've rarely seen a more validating sentence in my entire life.

High fives all around, friends. If we’ve accomplished nothing else today, we still have this.

I feel the need to add this

Death Of The Author is out, Bullying Of The Author Out Of A Forum About Their Own Work is in

These are possibly the best tags I've ever seen. Tomato schlorpus indeed

cruelty is so easy. youre not special for choosing it

"The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist; a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain."

-Ursula K. LeGuin, The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas

"Evil is boring. Right? I kinda believe in the banality and mundaneness of evil. Evil is just selfish impulses, which at the end of the day are really easy to understand. It’s easy to understand why people do bad things. It’s like “yeah, ok, you’re selfish and scared and cruel, I get it”. Being good is complex and beautiful and hard." - Brennan Lee Mulligan

not sure on account of i haven't lived too many lives but i'm fairly certain the meaning of existence is doing fun silly things with the people you love. gonna experiment a little and report back.

A migrating phoenix has stopped for a decadent sippy of water from a stagnant puddle in a Walmart parking lot and has ignited the years of accumulated fuel leaks into the surrounding pavement. It's so happy.

I don’t even know what this is but I love it

I'd like to formally thank the people of the UK and Ireland today for their rhyming prowess and forcing the Royal Mint to turn off replies to this tweet in RECORD time lmfao

And last but not least, the pièce de resistance that inspired about 90% of the hidden replies:

For anyone wondering, it was in fact meant to be "sovereign on a sovereign" 🤦

Ach no, give it to the Irish, they win

i can't get over how dumb this was, it's called a sovereign in the first place because of the monarch face on it

Ūropi (Europe)

Ūropi, also known by its indigenous name “Europe”, meaning “wide-gazing” or “broad of aspect”, is a small continent first discovered in 1806 by Moehanga of Ngāpuhi, although indigenous Europeans had been living there for many thousands of years. Modern researchers believe the indigenous Europeans originally migrated from the Middle East, and over time split into separate tribes or “kingdoms,” with many retaining their ancient rangatira (called “monarchs” or “nobility”) to this day.

While many see Ūropi as timeless and exotic, indigenous Europeans have actually adapted well to the modern economy, often exporting cultural products like baguettes and vodka, the former of which may be recognisable as the basis for bánh mì.