Everyday I wake up
Jesus, after coming back from the dead: hey guys it’s me Jesus, just look at the scars on my hands
Thomas, a known freak: show us the feet as well please
This porn was not tagged
If only i had this cabinet i wouldn’t need any other furniture
sorry for the delay in responding to your message. I was walking around the house with unclear intentions
inspired by the ‘your afternoon was already ruined’ post
Death Star Stormtroopers: “Freeze!”
Han: (panicking, trying to come up with a lie): Woah there don’t shoot, uh, you can’t shoot us because—because this guy is Darth Vader’s son! You don’t want to be responsible for shooting Darth Vader’s own flesh and bone do you?”
Luke: *glares incredulously*
Stormtroopers: “That is the dumbest thing—”
Leia: (done at this point, absolutely done with this rescue, better than Han at lying) “Exactly! Why would we tell you something so phenomenally insane if it weren’t true! Why do you think Darth Vader is so obsessed with finding Rebels, huh? Call him he’ll tell you!”
Luke: (also done, much better than Han at lying): “Or you could just shoot us; I’m sure my father, Darth Vader, inventor of the lightsaber, would be thrilled to meet the men who killed his son and his son’s friends.” *waves lightsaber arrogantly*
Stormtrooper 1: “Maybe we should call this in. I mean—he’s got a lightsaber, so that’s—that’s Vader stuff anyway.”
Stormtrooper 2: “are you kidding me right now?”
Leia: *shoots them while they’re distracted*
Han: “…We’re friends?”
//
Tarkin: “The rebels said what? You incompetent fool, how could you buy such an absurd stalling—”
Vader: “My…son…”
Tarkin:
Tarkin: Oh fuck THIS.
Rebel: “General Mothma—we’re recieving a transmission—from the Death Star!
Darth Vader: This is Darth Vader—I am in command of this space station—hand over my son or I will destroy your miserable Rebel base personally.
Room Full of Miscellaneous Rebels:
Mon Mothma: “…Does anyone have something they want to tell me?”
Leia:
Luke:
Han: [in a whisper] “Stop looking at me like that!”
Mothma: “Captain Solo? Did you have…something to share with the room?”
Luke: “I think I’m going to be sick”
Han: “Uh, no your uh Senatorship. I’m done saying words. Forever.”
Leia: “Now that’s an even more moronically bold-faced lie than earlier!”
Han: “Well excuse me, princess, it worked didn’t?”
Luke: [slightly hysterical] “Yeah, it worked, and now Darth Vader thinks I’m his son!”
Han: “How was I supposed to know the man actually did have a long lost child?! How was anyone supposed to have guessed that?”
Chewie: “HhHHURR!”
Han: “Oh you stay out of this, I didn’t see you coming up with clever suggestions before.”
Luke: [fully hysterical] “Darth Vader KILLED my father, I can’t believe I even went along with the lie—what would Ben think of me—”
Leia: “No Luke, don’t do that yourself—this is Han’s fault”
Han: “I saved all our lives! You wanted to go into a trash compactor!”
Leia: “Because you wandered onto the Death Star with no plan!”
Luke: [curling into a ball] “I just wanted to be a pilot…”
Room Full of Miscellaneous Rebels:
Mothma:
Mothma: “okay, first of all—”
Han: (being hit over the head repeatedly by Leia, while high command argues about ‘diversionary tactics’ and ‘bait’ and ‘necessary sacrifices’) “You know—the Old Man’s the one who came up with the joke in the first place!”
Leia: “I—what?”
Luke: “Yeah but he didn’t say in front of stormtroopers! On the Death Star!”
Mothma: “I’m sorry when you say old man—who exactly are you referring to?”
Luke: (miserable) “It was a stupid joke that Ben—I mean Obi-Wan—made. My aunt and uncle had just—he was trying to take my mind off things but man, he really was insistent about it.
Han: “Kept repeating it. I don’t think he really got jokes, you know.”
Luke: “I mean, he was a hermit. For like, twenty years.”
Leia: “…So Obi-Wan Kenobi, told you, Luke, that your father was Darth Vader? Repeatedly? And you just. Didn’t believe him. And Vader does.”
Luke: “I—oh. Oh. But…Anakin Skywalker is my father! Ben ALSO said Vader betrayed and murdered him!”
Han: (placing a hand on Luke’s shoulder) “You know, you do, uh. Kind-of have to be close to someone to betray them.”
Luke: “…No. It—it can’t be true. It’s impossible!”
Mothma: Remembering Padme making snarky comments about Ventress (an extremely tall, powerful Sith/Military Leader who dropped out of the public sphere towards the end of the war) and how she couldn’t seem to keep her hands off Obi-Wan or Anakin, not that it was any of Padme’s business.
Mothma: “Did…did General Kenobi mention anything about your mother?”
Luke: “No…my aunt and uncle didn’t know who she was, either. He—he didn’t visit Tatooine much, but at my grandmother’s funeral he brought a, um, well they described her as “a fancy woman who looked like she didn’t get a lot of sun. But. That could really describe anyone, considering they were moisture farmers. Do you think—you think Vader might be…”
Ackbar: (also remembering Ventress) “…has anyone ever asked Darth Vader his—her—their—preferred pronouns?”
Leia:
Misc Rebel Leaders:
Chewbacca:
Luke: “…I really hate this day.”
Luke, with all the confidence and self-satisfaction of someone who has added two and two and gotten fourteen: Hello, Mother—Or should I say, Ventress?
Darth Vader, who has never been more confused or offended in his entire life: What???
Darth Vader: (at the end of a very long day in which he killed his first Master, learned his child survived, and killed half the leadership of the Death Star: “…No.”
Luke: “ …No?”
Darth Vader: “No. I am your Father. Join me and together we shall—”
Luke: “I will never join you, Father. You killed Ben, and my other father! I’d rather die!”
Darth Vader: “…Your mother’s death was—a tragedy—the true blame for which rests at the feet of Kenobi.”
Luke: “I—okay I’m still mad about the murders, obviously. But I don’t want to keep dead naming or misgendering my parental figures, so before you kill me—because you’ll have to kill me, because I’m not joining you—what name did my mother choose for herself? And also what pronouns did Ben prefer?
Darth Vader: (shattering the floor in rage and confusion): He never told you the name of your MOTHER?!?!
Luke: “I agree that was…uncool of him. Still not an excuse for murder.”
Han:“I’m trying to respect family boundaries, but I have SO many questions.”
Stormtrooper holding Han: “Same.”
Leia: “Yeah, those two are not having the same conversation.”
Stormtrooper holding Leia: “Well, I think it’s great that Vader’s son is being so supportive of his parents identities.”
Leia: “I just can’t believe Obi-Wan Kenobi would be a homophobe—I feel like we’ve made an incorrect assumption somewhere. Maybe Vader wasn’t Ventress?”
Stormtrooper holding Han: “Well, you might as well ask—we’re definitely all going to be killed for overhearing this much.”
Han: “Alternate suggestion—if we sneak away while they’re shouting at each other, maybe we won’t die? The rebels are actually pretty soft on empire deserters.”
Stormtrooper holding Leia: “Shut up, I can’t hear!”
Vader: “…I did…destroy Anakin Skywalker. He was weak and I…replaced him.”
Luke: (confused and hysterical) “You kidnapped me? From Anakin and Padme? And then Ben kidnapped me back? Are you insane? That doesn’t make me your son! Not that it matters anyway!”
Vader: “You are my son—reach out to the force, you know it to be true!”
Luke: “Oh gods—you—my mother—did you…you monster!”
Vader: (angry and frustrated) “I feel like you are deliberately misunderstanding me now. We were married. Your mother chose me.”
Luke: (frustrated and angry) “You said she chose Anakin Skywalker!”
Vader: “Yes. Both Anakin Skywalker and Padme Nabariee made their own choices.”
Han: “Oh PLOT TWIST.”
Stormtrooper holding Han: “Wait, you followed that?”
Luke: “Just to be clear—no-one is, or was, trans? And what’s your name? Or is it just Darth? Is Darth a name?”
Leia: “HOW DID OBI-WAN KENOBI AND MY PARENTS FIT INTO YOUR POLYCULE?!”
*ALARMS SIGNALING IMMANENT DEATH STAR DESTRUCTION*
[ID: The woman doing math meme, with white, all-caps text at the top that reads: “Leia: knowing that Bail and Breha were **also** in a relationship with Obi-Wan” End ID]
Stormtrooper previously holding Han, henceforth known as ‘Stormtrooper A’: “Oh kriff. Oh gods. Oh fuck.”
Leia: “Maybe…hear me out—maybe it’s a cloning thing?”
Luke: “You think I’m some kind of…hybrid clone of Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker, and, uh—”
Stormtrooper A: “Ohdeargods.”
Leia: “Padmé Amidala Naberrie. She’s a legend. If you really do share some of her DNA—though I’m still not completely convinced Vader wasn’t lying about all or some of what he said—
Stormtrooper previously holding Leia, henceforth known as ‘Stormtrooper B’ or ‘Carl’: “Vader doesn’t really lie. He’s actually really blunt about things. Usually. I think he was pretty off today…what with the whole long lost son thing.”
Luke: “He was telling the truth, whatever the truth is. I could feel his anger…so much anger. I think—I think I might really be his son. Maybe…could Vader be Padme? Would that work?”
Stormtrooper A: “Oh gods. I—What did I DO?”
Han: (awkwardly patting Stormtrooper A on the back) “Relax kid, you done good.”
Carl: “Man, I even bet on him being human—half the guys thought he was some kindof droid. Guess they’re all dead now. So. Doesn’t really…matter.”
Leia: “I’d say I’m sorry but considering I lost my entire planet earlier today it would be a bit insincere. And Senator Amidala would never become a fascist. I still can’t believe she was willingly involved with one.”
Trooper A: “Darth Vader—he was just—and I—”
Carl: “…Let’s talk about Luke’s corellian holodrama parantage again, huh? I feel like that was a safer topic. What if Vader used to be Anakin Skywalker? ‘Killed a weaker version of myself’ sounds like the sort of thing a guy like that would say.”
Trooper A: “I’m going to die. We’re all going to—”
Han: “ENOUGH ALREADY! You hit Darth Vader in the back of the head! We get it! You wanted to live! We all wanted to live! Rebels will probably give you a medal! But news flash—this ship is too small for four people and if you don’t shut up, I will space you.”
Leia: “Can you not yell in my ear?”
Han: “Oh, excuse me your highness, I’ll just move to the other side of this one-seater tie-fighter. Oh—wait!”
Luke: “No, my father was a Jedi. Ben would have said if Anakin fell to the darkside—if he became Darth Vader. Hells, Vader would have said that!”
Carl: “If you say so. Neither of them seem like very clear communicators when it comes to this, if I’m being brutally honest.”
Leia: “Maybe we can talk with Mothma, figure it out logically. The movements of clone wars generals and Senators were both matters of public record. What’s your exact birthday?”
Luke: “Empire Day. The actual day it started, 19 years ago.”
Leia: “Huh. That’s…an interesting coincidence.”
Luke: “Yeah. I guess.”
Leia: “No I mean—that’s my birthday.”
Han: (sarcastically) “Maybe you’re long lost twins!”
Leia: “I—I am actually adopted.”
Han: “…And I am going to stop saying words now.”
(and, to the narrator’s shock, he was still lying.)
Trooper A: “I can’t believe the rebellion gave me a…medal.”
Carl: “I can’t believe they didn’t give me one.”
Han: “For what? Screaming in Luke’s ear while he blew up the death star?”
Luke: “Blew up part of the death star. Biggs’ teams had already taken out most of their defenses. I just…finished the job.”
Han: “Still one hell of a shot, kid.”
Trooper A: “The station really did have a lot of security flaws, didn’t it? I mean…it was probably going to blow up on it’s own, right? Even if I hadn’t gotten insane and betrayed Lord Vader?”
Leia: “Sure. Whatever you have to tell yourself. Okay, I got the blood work back—”
Trooper A: “Oh gods, I’m leaving.”
Carl: *refuses to let him leave*
Luke: “We’re twins, aren’t we? As soon as Han said it—”
Leia: “—It just seemed right.”
Han: “Going right to freaky force twins telepathy, huh?”
Leia: “I don’t—oh gods, could I have…could I be…”
Luke: “Ben did say the force was strong in my family. Whoever that is.”
Carl: (whispering to Han): “You really have got to learn to stop with the words.”
Han: *screams internally*
Leia: “I—I can’t deal with that right now—look, I don’t know about our…birth father, but our mother’s DNA is definitely Nabooian—and Padme Amidala was definitely pregnant around the right time.”
Luke: “Look Leia—this has been the craziest, uh 43 hours of my life (holy kriff I need a nap), but you’re awesome, and I’m thrilled to have you as a sister, and whoever are birth parents are they must have both been at least somewhat good to make someone like you.”
Leia: “Oh Luke, you know, I always wanted a bro—wait you haven’t slept in 43 hours? How are you standing?”
Luke: “More like…um 59? I think? If getting knocked unconscious by sand raiders counts. The space travel makes it a little confusing.”
Leia:
Leia: “…Go to sleep, Luke.”
Han: “Gods, you can figure out your parentage later.”
Luke: “Look, Han—this has been the worst three days of my life (please let it end), but you’re a good man, and if you want to sleep with my sister and not me I completely support—”
Trooper A: *hits Luke over the back of the head*
Luke: *immediately falls unconscious*
Han & Leia:
Carl: *chuckles weakly* “Like father like son, huh?”
Han: *picking up Luke* “Too soon Carl, too soon.”
This is one of the funniest Star Wars posts of all time.
R2-D2: I could explain all of this, but this is the most fun I’ve had in years.
terror lieuts have bi-weekly arts & crafts sessions. tonight theyre making zines
yuri of the week
What if birds could actually speak English and we were speaking bird the whole time. Like really how weird would that be?
the geese are back? God I hate them so fucking much.
what the fuck is this newspaper
bowuigi is the best like beauty and the beast esque dynamic ever bc it’s like like just some guy(bowser) and luigi (italian)
This conversation I had back in march feels relevant now
Just a poor poor beggar asking for some Bowser x Luigi fluff
First time drawing em
Steve learning to fix his car while Billy watches over his shoulder
ONE
BILLION
DOLLARS
Antique stainless silver dagger from the 18th century ottoman and indian dagger
How dare you leave this Jason Todd discourse in the tags.












