Your Local Gay Mess

I AM SO ANGRY AMETHYST IS RESISTENT TO THE OCCASIONAL BATH BUT THE GEODE CRUST CERTAINLY ISN’T LITERALLY MINERALS BREAKING DOWN BY BEING PULVERIZED WITH HOT WATER IS HOW GEODES FUCKING CRYSTALIZES IN THE FIRST PLACE AND YOUR TAKING A GEODE THAT BIG AND TURNING IT INTO THE PERMANANT WATER CONTAMINATE AND BACTERIAL CESS POOL THAT IS A SINK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU NEVER GONNA USE TOOTHPASTE OR FUCKING SOAP SO IT DOESN’T EAT A HOLE THRU THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FUCKING SINK YOU GODDAMN GOON WHY DON’T YOU JUST MAKE A STOVE OUT OF CARDBOARD OR A DOOR OUT OF TISSUE PAPER??? WHY DONT YOU MAKE PIPES OUT OF FUCKING SMARTIES CANDY OR TABLE LEGS OUT OF PLAY DOUGH FUCK YOU BUDDY IF I WALKED INTO A PLACE AND HAD TO CLEAN A BATHROOM AND SAW THAT SHIT I WOULD BREAK YOUR FUCKING SKULL OPEN WITH A STEEL PIPE

I’m guessing you’re a geologist?

or a house cleaner

i arrive at the gay bar in full butch getup and i look like super hot like trust me and i start buying chocolate milk for the femmes at the bar…..between my striking good looks and my generosity concerning tasteful dairy products i have impressed them greatly and after an hour of chatting I make my move. i reach into my pocket and remove a large, gorgeous lichen affixed to a piece of bark from its protective herbarium packet that I have concealed in my pants pocket. “it’s a symbiotic relationship between a fungus and an algae,” i begin,

can we get a shoutout to trans girls who don't wear makeup

i don't need to just keep practicing I don't need to just learn to contour or whatever the fuck else I'm 100% happy being bare-faced and the only times i ever felt compelled to do makeup was for other people's benefit!

watch the mfs with zero reading comprehension get ahold of this and act like I'm personally attacking them for wearing makeup

I have never worn makeup in my entire life and if you reblog you will give me the energy I need to continue doing fuck all

woahhhh

terfs celebrating that the international chess federation has banned trans women from competing in women's FIDE competitions, because it's sooooooo feminist to argue that women are so biologically inferior and nowhere near as smart as men and thus can't play chess on the same level. girl that's not feminism that's literally just misogyny

So I found out a little more about this.

Firstly, we need to establish that FIDE, the top international chess league, has a very long history of being misogynistic. That's just something FIDE has been doing for a while now.

Their logic is that there are too few women in chess, so therefore they made an international women's league and an international men's league so there would be more women in chess, since women kept on losing to men apparently (which only really happened because they weren't as experienced but whatever).

The logic behind the ban is so Grandmasters like Magnus Carlsen and Hikaru Nakamura can't trans their gender to win easy tournament money from women's tournaments.

Except, of course, no one fucking does this, and if I'm not mistaken there is not a single transgender player in the top 1,000 chess players globally.

So, on a deeply personal note, not even as someone who's good at chess or was planning to become a GM but just as someone who thinks the Game of Kings is neat and occasionally plays it—fuck you, FIDE.

I keep listening to music but it's not enough

who else up feeling a deep fondness for their beloved friends in their phone

touching grass isn't enough some of y'all need to drive out to the countryside and look at the stars

this post was aimed at the discourse-addled and terminally online, but i'm glad it's reaching an audience of people who are just excited about stargazing in general

there's literally nothing tackier to me than guys who say they want a "goth gf" when what they mean is they want a gf who wears AliExpress thighhighs

the circus was in town that day 🤡

"Bottom does not mean sub" might as well be occult knowledge to some of y'all

call my man shredded lettuce because he be a sub topping

can people with harry potter urls just not fucking follow me

the way i am losing followers over this. GOOD. bye

the most sordid aspect of FIDE banning trans women from chess competitions is that in the previous weeks there seems to have been a reckoning in terms of sexual abusers still being allowed in chess competitions and many women (including multiple trans women) spoke up and were fighting about it. and FIDE's response was to call trans women the greatest threat to women's chess which is so telling lmaoooooo

it was literally initiated two weeks before by an open letter first signed by 14 female chess players in france (including yosha iglesias, a trans woman) and that has now been signed by more than a hundred of them. a shitton of people responded by claiming they were infected by "wokism" and "gender ideology" for pointing out sexual violence and misogyny in the chess world. FIDE responded on august 11 claiming to be against sexual violence and misogyny..... and then banned trans women four days later, to the acclaim of transmisogynists who didn't actually give a shit about sexual violence or misogyny in chess lmao. this edict has also absolutely fucked over yosha iglesias, already the victim of horrifying harassment over speaking out about sexual violence at all, and now doubly so over the fact that she is unsure she can even participate in the french women's tournament which is days away. it's calculated and cruel in ways i can barely stand.

you can improve literally any word by adding “girl” in front of it btw. girlscared. girlnormal. girlweird. girlsilly. etc. girl can be such a beautiful focal point of anyone’s vocabulary

the trick is though you can ALSO improve literally any word by adding girl behind it. scaredgirl. normalgirl. weirdgirl. sillygirl. girl can be such a beautiful focal point of ANYONES vocabulary

hey um chuckles nervously. what the fuck are they doing over on tiktok

i hope i’m not only a beloved mutual to you but also an annoying mutual-in-law to someone else

flashback to when MLK Jr said the worst group in the US for black rights wasn't the lawmakers passing Jim Crow laws or the KKK but the white moderate. That it was the white moderate who was forcing the country to find a middle ground between civil rights and genocide which allowed the continued systematic mistreatment of the African American community

I attack first. I draw my blade and take a swing. You look rather confused. This confusion is justified as we are 40 ft apart in the middle of a showdown.

"parry this you filthy casual"

wait, yeah, this is rad af

@petermorwood

Real-life combination weapons might be highly decorated Rich Boy Toys, or starkly functional military weapons.

They sometimes featured multi-shot revolvers, but usually took the form of one or several single-shot guns attached to some other weapon - spear, sword, dagger or axe - that would continue as a weapon after the gun(s) had been fired and there was no time to reload.

Here's a boar spear with paired wheel-lock pistols.

A set of table cutlery (!) with built-in flintlock pistols:

An "Elgin Cutlass" single-shot percussion pistol and a Bowie-knife pinfire revolver:

A sword with a double-barrelled flintlock pistol and a sabre pinfire revolver:

An Indian katar punch-dagger with a pair of flintlock pistols...

...and a tabar battleaxe with a matchlock gun and hidden dagger:

A couple of boarding axes with flintlock carbines:

And finally this extraordinary six-shot (five from the head, one down the haft) battleaxe, saved until last because of Reasons.

Nowadays this would be equivalent to a watch "with complications", the sort of watch with so many other functions that actually telling the time gets lost among them.

Back then...

Well, the Royal Armouries call it "Possibly a novelty or curiosity", and - like those watches - it's so elaborate that its primary function isn't primary any more.

In this case, it couldn't fulfil the basic battleaxe purpose of hitting people without risk of breaking some part of itself, and because the battleaxe head is hollow and its "edge" is a flat lid covering several gun muzzles, it was never much of an axe anyway.

Here's the RA description:

Wow...

*****

Now I'm getting into speculation.

This is so far beyond a normal "gunblade" that IMO it was a "Meisterstück" (Masterpiece) made by a journeyman to prove his technical competence for promotion to Master and gain the right to open his own guild-recognised workshop, train apprentices and sell goods under his own name.

IIRC, some guilds demanded that Masterpieces were a pre-determined object, for instance a certain style of clock or piece of furniture, whose construction techniques were exactly to guild specs.

Others let the journeyman create something unique - though again, being a demonstration of what he had learned, he always used the skills taught and approved by that guild.

*****

As mentioned before, I'm sure that this strange contraption was never intended for combat.

Besides the chance of breaking something vital at the first impact, its balance would be non-existent, aiming the various guns would be vague at best, and operating two different firing systems for three separate sets of gun in the heat of action would raise fumble-fingered panic to performance art.

What mattered for a Masterpiece was that it assembled and, when required, came apart in the proper ways, and that any mechanical parts worked as they were meant to. The additional trick of using the wheellock to ignite the matchcord - think Zippo lighter mechanism - is both a touch of "wait, there's more!" genius and entirely in keeping with adding "a personal touch".

As I said before, Wow... :->

envy and fun | 12.8.23

envy and fun 2 | 13.8.23

envy and fun 3 | 18.8.23