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@iamtryingbutithurts

I'm trying, I really am. It just hurts so much, and I want to give up. Age 21. I haven’t updated this account since forever.

Isik & Sinan {Love 101}

My Favorite Scenes Season 1 edition 😍

background ~ love 101 follows a group of misfit who band together to keep their teacher Burcu at their school. This is so they don’t get expelled, all this time she has been protecting them from repercussions but she’s changing schools. As soon as she leaves the principal with will throw them out. So the group enlists the help of the naïve and good hearted Isik as they try and hook up Burcu with the new teacher Kemal. As a result they all become best friends and some even fall in love!

It’s routine

Sinan and Isik sit next to each other and while Isik talks Sinan tries to sleep. It’s only a momentary thing but you see how kind Isik is to Sinan who is more rigid than her. S1 Ep 1 ~ 8:08

I care

As Isik and Sinan walk home form the concert they have a little fight but ehy keep walking together. Finally it’s time for Isik to get to the bus and she gives Sinan her scarf so he can stay warm as he walks home.You see more than once in the show that Sinan is surprised that Isik still cares about him even after they fight. It’s SweetS1 Ep 3 ~ 6:58

Enough of this Shit!

They have a test and Sinan just sits there waiting for it to be over. Doesn’t even try. So to makes sure he doesn’t fail, Isik fills out her test, puts Sinan’s name on it, and then gives it to him. She takes his blank one and hands that in as her own. Isik is so selfless and caring ! I just love her so much!! S1 Ep 3 ~ 21:43

Umbrella Girl

It’s reversal for festival and when Sinan arrives to school he sees Isik swirling beautifully with a red umbrella. They talk and Sinan tells Isik he wants to keep going to school and maybe even go to college after. He feels like life is worth it! Sinan is about to credit Isik for this revelations but she stops him because thinks he’s making fun of her. Although a hurtful reaction this is a huge leap for Sinan and if she didn’t think he was being his normal rude self she would’ve been happy as hell! S1 Ep 5 ~ 15:42

Under The Sea 😘

The gangs is out on a boat and as Isik is making her birthday wish but she falls into the water. Sinan jumps in after her and they share an underwater kiss!! S1 Ep 6 ~ 26:24

Sweet Study session

After the Lab brawl Isik is grounded. To help her out Sinan takes notes in school and puts on the good boy charm convince Isik’s mom to let him tutor her. It works, and SInan and Isik have a cute little studfy session. Finally SInan is being there for Isik just like she’s always been there for him! YAY! S1 Ep 7 ~ 40:28

The Auction

Genre: Romantic Drama, Dystopian, War

Author: @lovesbitca8

Word Count: 326K

PREFACE: Alright good people, you all knew it was coming. A review (re: love letter) to my all-time favorite FanFiction. The absolute masterpiece that sealed the deal for me to become a lifelong Dramione shipper. The fic that made me realize what utter perfection was, that became my golden standard, that led me to develop a whole-ass scorecard, which I now use to measure and benchmark all other fics. The only fic that received a perfect 9/9 on said scorecard. The fic that, upon finishing, effectively defined and described that “empty satisfaction” feeling that I’m now desperately searching for in fictional media—that feeling where you are so grateful and satisfied that you got to experience such a marvelous tale, yet so empty because you’re not ready to return to reality. The feeling that causes ALL of us to run towards FanFiction and beyond!

Without further ado, let’s get to it!

OVERVIEW: The Auction is a searing, brilliant, and epic tale of two star-crossed lovers whose pure and innocent love burns brightly in the bleakest of circumstances—a love which transforms into a hope that changes the course of the world. Masterful and viscerally written, LovesBitca8 weaves a narrative so intense and beautiful that the most stoic of readers will find their hearts rendered to pieces, only to have it lovingly stitched back together at the end of the journey.

Set in the aftermath of a in a VoldemortWins!AU with minor elements taken from The Handmaiden’s Tale, it’s no surprise that readers often compare The Auction to SenLinYu’s equally acclaimed Manacled. Although the circumstances are similar, I disagree with this assessment.

Here’s my take on it: Manacled isn’t really a romance fic. Rather, it is more accurately a Hermione-centered war fic with romantic elements. (In that regard, perhaps it is more similar to Love in a Time of the Zombie Apocalypse, which I recently reviewed here.)

Conversely, The Auction is staunchly a romance fic, with elements of a war epic.

That is to say, Draco and Hermione are not two people dropped into an epic war in which dubious love blooms; but rather, a war is dropped into middle of their epic, young love.

Yes, that’s right—Draco and Hermione’s love story is more epic than Voldemort’s fucking war.

Now, with that said, it is important to mention that the emotional impact of The Auction is largely achieved because of LoveBitca8’s first installment to this series, The Right Thing to Do (TRTTD). TRTTD is a standalone novel, but the characterizations, backstories, and flashbacks of Draco and Hermione revealed there apply to The Auction as well. In that regard, TRTTD (at least only certain scenes) could almost serve as a prequel.

And this is what the scenes will reveal: Draco and Hermione’s love in this universe centers on the dynamic of the secret crush trope. If you’ve read even the first chapter of TRTTD, this will not come as a surprise to you. Normally, I stay far, far away from secret crush stories in Dramione. Because canon Draco was an absolute bigoted asshole to Hermione, it’s difficult to reconcile that, even in fanon works. However, it only works in The Auction because LovesBitca8 has effectively retconned canon by introducing crucial flashbacks of Draco and Hermione’s Hogwarts days and the events leading up to the war, and of course, the auction. She crafts a history between them that convinces us that their school-day interactions are more than meets the eye—that beneath the canon bullying and antagonistic relationship, there are quiet, fleeting, intimate moments between the two. With this knowledge, the secret crush trope becomes much more plausible and ultimately, makes The Auction a much more satisfying and enriching reading experience.

SETTING: The Auction whisks you away into a dystopian fantasy world, yet doesn’t deviate far from canon Harry Potter to the point that it’s unfamiliar and jarring. Steeped in canon lore, LovesBitca8 masterfully takes magical concepts like Potions, Occlumency, Dark Arts, whatever—to craft a truly thrilling story that will delight fans who loved the whimsical imagination of JK Rowling’s original world.

For readers who are wary of consuming such a dark and twisted premise, let me mention that it is not entirely dark throughout. In fact, there are moments which are utterly wholesome and fluffy. The Auction is dynamic enough that you don’t feel bogged down with macabre dread the entire read. In times of high tension, the fear and horror is palpable. In quieter times in which the narrative has time to breathe, there are moments of safety, security, and hope.

The majority of The Auction takes place in two central locations, which I won’t divulge. It is worth mentioning, however, that these places nearly become characters in their own right—they are so immersive and full of personality that it truly makes you feel like you are there.

EXTERNAL PLOT: I know I contended that at its core, The Auction is a romance story. Let me be clear—this does not mean that romance eclipses the external plot. The two plot threads are interwoven so masterfully and complement each other well that at no point was I tempted to skim ahead to “get back to the good part”. The external conflict is amongst one of the most unique, thrilling, and compelling plots I’ve ever read. Somehow, LovesBitca8 will have you rooting for people you never expected to.

Because the story is written through Hermione’s perspective (and thus, she is our reliably unreliable narrator)—there is so much mystery and unknowns. Half of the fun is watching how LovesBitca8 slowly peels back the layers and reveals the plot to us through Hermione’s eyes as she is sequestered away as a sexual slave.

Narratively, there is no scene wasted. Every interaction and dialogue, even the seemingly inconsequential ones, serve a purpose to the overall story. There are Easter eggs, references, and callbacks scattered throughout, and everything is satisfyingly resolved at the end. I can’t give too much away because the plot twists are mindblowing, but I will say this: I had absolutely no idea how anything would conclude. It was a delight to allow LovesBitca8 to take us through this volatile journey. Even though the story is written through Hermione’s unreliable perspective, it’s clear to the reader that there is always something going on behind the scenes—pieces moving slowly, simmering and unfolding at a steady pace, eventually coming to a head and boiling over and the final result is explosive.

ROMANCE: If you’ve read my rationale for my scorecard development here, you already know that I judge a successful romance story by the author’s ability to pace both the emotional and sexual payoffs. LovesBitca8 absolutely crushes this aspect. The Auction is a slow/medium burn, but even when the payoffs occur, there is still so much drama left to resolve that you’ll continue reading to the very end with equal vigor.

Aside from the perfect pacing, I do want to mention this: In most love stories, there is usually a grand romantic gesture that the male lead performs that makes us swoon. In The Auction, there is not one, but several, of these gestures. Our dear, lovesick Draco is the ultimate hopeless romantic, in which he doles out these gestures in spades. It’s heartbreaking and beautiful and where can I find my own Draco?

Sentimental reader, prepare to have your sappy shipper heart shattered into a million pieces like the Malfoy Manor chandelier.

SMUT: Ah yes, smut. The reason why we all read Dramione! The Auction is a steamy fic, in which our characters are placed in sexual situations early on. Because the world is so bleak, this might not be arousing for readers who are looking for wholesome smut (I still found it arousing because I am lifetime pervert). However, fear not! These earlier scenes add so much to the unresolved sexual tension that when the actual sexual payoff occurs, it is intimate and beautiful and wholesome and pure and brilliant and everything I could have ever asked for. I’m pretty sure I nearly cried at how THE sex scene was so sweet and innocent, despite our characters living in such a horrifying world. And yes, it is explicit and detailed and so, so, so very sexy.

What I absolutely loved is that LovesBitca8 didn’t include the smutty scenes for the sake of smut. They were tastefully done; not a scene out of place.

DRACO CHARACTERIZATION: LovesBitca8’s version of Draco is a Death Eater who is forced to participate in truly horrific acts. However, this is no High Reeve Draco in which he is a dark, edgy, desensitized, lethal, toxic, slightly unhinged, antihero. This characterization of our favorite boy is a young, innocent, lovesick teenager with a heart of gold, underneath a thin, unconvincing veneer of high-ranking Death Eater.

Draco is incredibly determined, tender-hearted, intelligent, protective, and reliable. His best character trait is that his capacity to love is an endless reservoir, yet he hides the best part of himself from the rest of the world. Oh sweet, sweet boy.

Nevertheless, he can be dark and edgy and ruthless when the situation calls for it. I absolutely love him.

HERMIONE CHARACTERIZATION: At this point, I know we already discussed the “secret crush” trope to death already—but if I were forced to provide any criticism, it would be here.

Even readers who have read the retcon that LovesBitca8 revealed in TRTTD may have some trouble understanding Hermione’s feelings for Draco. Canon Draco was truly terrible to her, so why does she still harbor a schoolgirl crush on him? Especially if he’s on the side of a war who treats her friends as subhuman and tortures them? The only way that I can resolve this is by rationalizing that Hermione is young—just a teenager—and her affectionate feelings can be chalked off as puppy love. But even then, not the strongest rationale.

However, I fully understand that Hermione has to be characterized this way for plot purposes—if she were not, the masterpiece that is The Auction would cease to exist.

If you can suspend your disbelief, I guarantee you that LovesBitca8’s version of Hermione will become one of your favorites.

Like much of canon Hermione, she is capable, kind, selfless, intelligent, loyal, and willing to do anything for the cause. In this regard, she doesn’t deviate far from a Hermione we are all familiar with.

But what makes THIS Hermione unique is that she doesn’t have much of the typical traits that you’d expect of a Gryffindor heroine, who is naturally headstrong and brave and quick to action. Those elements are certainly there, but they simmer below the surface. On the outside, Hermione is bookish, introverted, innocent, demure, and sensitive, with a quiet inner strength. She’s much more of a Ravenclaw to me. But when the situation calls for it, she sheds this veneer and unleashes her inner Gryffindor, particularly when she fights for those she loves. And those moments are so much more satisfying.

Magically, Hermione is also very competent and capable, and seeing how she relies on her intellect both strategically and academically was a blast to read. She isn’t just a bland love interest, she’s a heroine in her own right—and therefore, one of my absolute favorites.

SIDE CHARACTERS: Is it even fair for LovesBitca8 to excel in yet another category? No, it is not, but here we are. The side characters in The Auction were fucking outstanding. Not a single character’s potential was wasted. Although written entirely from Hermione’s POV (which, as we know, is unreliable), the side characters were all so well-crafted. Even though they weren’t in the spotlight, their presence added so much dimension to the overall narrative and world-building.

LovesBitca8 is such a narrative genius that at all times, even in the quiet moments, the reader can sense that something is brewing, simmering, behind the scenes. The story is never stagnant, always alive. And that is achieved because of how she handles the side characters. Every single one of them are shrouded in mystery and have hidden agendas, which makes the inevitable payoff and reveals so satisfying.

I will say this: The Auction is the only fic in which I would give up an eyebrow to read companion pieces from the perspectives of other characters. I’d be happy with Cho, Ginny, George, Pansy, George, heck, even Oliver Wood! And those are characters that Dramione lovers (or at least, myself) normally don’t care to read about. That should tell you a lot.

TECHNICAL WRITING: Not much to say about LovesBitca8’s writing style, except that it is effective. She is efficient, concise, and doesn’t rely on prose or lyricism to evoke emotions. Stylistically, this works well, because there is just so much plot to cover—in my opinion, pretty, expressive writing may be better suited to shorter pieces of work.

Here is where LovesBitca8 shines: she has the ability to unfold a narrative in such a way that it feels like the reader is solving a jigsaw puzzle without the box for reference. She offers up JUST enough information and detail to keep you hooked, but not enough to know where the story will ebb and flow—but when you reach the reveals and payoffs, you see the whole picture and it just makes sense.

The genius that made us all fall in love with JKR’s work—the moment when we realized how much forethought and pre-planning went into the entire series—is evident in The Auction. LovesBitca8 drops in so many callbacks, references, and Easter eggs (in The Auction itself as well as TRTTD/ATWT) that it adds so much more weight upon reading it again. And yes, you’ll have to read this a second time through to truly appreciate the mastery of the planning!

CLOSING THOUGHTS: If you’ve gotten this far through this love letter (I mean, ahem, review), I hope I’ve convinced you to pick this up for your next binge. It’s safe to say that The Auction will remain fresh in my mind for years to come—it is a piece of art that is truly of the utmost quality and has changed my standards of what exceptional art could be.

It would be remiss if I didn’t address the ending, which actually caused quite a controversy. Many people weren’t satisfied with the ending. I am not one of them, and I will die on this hill. The main criticism I hear is this: people simply wanted more. More Draco, more Hermione, anything! Admittedly, I understand this! We’re all getting separation anxiety of having to part with this beautiful story. But (perhaps it is because LovesBitca8 is a playwright), I felt she absolutely stuck the landing—The Auction ended at the perfect moment to create the maximum emotional impact. If this were adapted into a film series, I’m confident the writers and director would have executed it this way, as well. Anything more would have diluted or compromised the final emotional impact.

(That isn’t to say that I wouldn’t go FERAL for additional companion pieces in this world! Please, have mercy on us, LovesBitca8?)

Lastly, you may have noticed that unlike all the other reviews I’ve posted, I refrained from the “if you are looking for XYZ type of fic, this may not be for you” disclaimer. You’ll find no such warning here. I staunchly believe that every Dramione reader gets their hands on this—hell, even if you aren’t a fan, this is a must-read! I’ve read complaints that The Auction wasn’t dark enough; that they wanted a different, less wholesome Draco, more dub-con, whatever the case may be. Though that may be your preference, I still think you’ll thoroughly enjoy this masterpiece.

The only reason I would stay away from this is if themes of rape, torture, or sexual slavery are particular triggers for you.

But if not, let me say: RUN DON’T WALK! You can thank me later.

And my favorite Dramione Audiobook, @etl-echo-audiobooks , does a fucking phenomenal reading of this. ETL Echo, thank you for saving me hours of scrolling on my phone and allowing me to experience The Auction while driving, doing laundry, cooking dinner, everything!

And finally: LovesBitca8, thank you, thank you, thank you, for your labor of love, for your magnum opus. The Auction is truly a work of art that changed my life. My head is still spinning that this was freely gifted to us fans. You are an absolute treasure, and we don’t deserve to have you in this fandom!  

IF YOU LIKED THE AUCTION, YOU MAY ALSO LIKE:

Manacled by SenLinYu

 (…uhm. Community, help me out here, I’m woefully behind on reading—will update this section with suggestions from you!)

And for good measure, a non-HP recommendation: A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini (novel)

Shall I be dramatique and say, by reading this post, this is the first time I’m felt emotions in 546 days?

the fallout: a freakishly long rant that no one asked for

yall i just went to goodreads and checked-out the fallout by everythursday’s review bcs i wanted to see what readers are saying about it and suffice it to say i got butt hurt by some of the review for no reason at all lmaoooo

i understand that people are entitled to their own opinions, some were saying that war fics are just not their thing or they dont like the excess amount of sex scenes, or that it’s too long for their taste, or it’s not their favorite character trope, and i respect that, those are their preferences, and i understand why the fallout wouldnt be their favorite fiction.

but there were also reviews that said the story had no character developments, they hate how weak hermione is, the writing is bad and hard to comprehend, the dialogue are bad and hard to follow, or that the pacing is confusing and the timeline is choppy, and im like ??? are we even reading the same fan fiction???

one of my favorite thing about the fallout is how realistic it depicts war and i think why i got so butt hurt was bcs the things that the bad reviews said they didnt like were things that are pretty much intended by the writer. everythursday’s depiction of war plays a big explanation on most of the “bad reviews” that are stated above.

at the beginning we were introduced with hermione’s character as “weak” or “disoriented” in the middle of a battle, in fact most of the child soldier in the beginning were pretty much disoriented and weak (people were blindly sending hexes here and there, hermione was stunt by neville at one point). i mean they were children who were not prepared for wars, so that was pretty self explanatory of why hermione and her friends were not as bamfs as we would like them to be (and being skilled in battle takes years, hence why 2-3 yrs into the war we still see hermione being disoriented at some instances, but she gets better and was good enough to be leading skirmishes). ((like cmon that one scene where she literally drag her self through fire to stupefy that guy that imperiused an auror to save draco, that was intense af))

to me one thing i would like to see more in the story is hermione using her infamous knowledge of magic to aid the war, but in this story it’s pretty clear that everythursday only intended the main characters to be soldiers and not the ones who pull strings and make big decisions in regards to the war. those were handled by the “adults” in this story, remus, mcgonagall, moody, kingsley, and the head aurors. in this story we only see hermione’s knowledge being used to aid the war when she helped draco encrypting runes messages. other than that her knowledge were pretty much shown in her dialogues w other characters about philosophy and other general things. everythursday was adamant to show that being booksmart doesnt guarantee her being good in battles. imo thats still passable and doesnt count as a plot hole, it’s just that again everythursday focuses on hermione’s character as a soldier in this war.

about the confusing/choppy pacing, it’s pretty much a tough tool to use in writing, but when you do it right and implement it in the right story, it makes so much sense and would only enhance the story. everythursday’s choice to jump days to weeks to months is a great way to tell the story in this instance bcs again its a war. the main characters are soldiers, their job is literally to just wait for missions and go to battle. some days pass in an instance and some drags on. some days were short or skipped because they dont have anything to do but wait, some were long bcs they were at battles or they were dealing with the aftermath of a battle, and there were also the in between days where they were trying to have normal day amidst a war. this choice of pacing makes sense and so far the plot isnt affected by it in a negative way.

idk about you but i think that everythursday’s writing style is beautiful. i can see why to some people it might be “too wordy” or “overexplained” but imo the writing is well moderated. i myself prefer when authors show rather than tell and i think thats how everythursday write. and lets be honest, the dialogue is literally one of the best thing the fallout has to offer. like, how can we have banters with only 3 lines of dialogue?? of course the dialogues gonna be a lengthy back and forth. thats how bantering works.

some also said they didnt like how the romance started and honestly that’s up to your preference. some said that the romance started out of nowhere and im kinda confused by this. by romance does that mean when the attraction started or like when the characters start to become emotionally intimate? bcs if it refers to when they become emotionally intimate, that’s basically the whole build up of the story. if it refers to when the attraction started between them then im sure the whole “they had mutual hatred towards each other, hence they cant help but notice each other, coupled w a looming war and used sex to cope” trope started it. its not like the author didnt lay its base first before eventually making them a pair. since this is a dramione fic of course the person hermione’s gonna notice and be infuriated with is draco. like in any other pairing it could literally be anybody in any situation. wether they accidentally got assigned to work together on a potion project, or in this case insult and eye each other with hatred, it could literally be anything that started their relationship since this is a non canon pairing. this fic is pretty much enemies-to sex partner- to friends-to lover, the enemies to sex partner build up could literally happen with hermione and any other character, but since this is a dramione, this build up happened with draco.

as you can see i really really like this fiction lmao. im not trying to invalidate anyone’s opinion in saying all this but im just hoping that people that DNF this fic would perhaps be persuaded to pick it up again yknow, cs like its really that good. but hey, if its just not ur cup of tea, or you just dont like the story, then by any means, read fics according to your preferences bcs at the end of the day we all just want that sweet escapism.

Fuck Everything

I have to say it’s been a long time and surprisingly I’m still here. And you know what, it all still sucks. I still want to fucking die.

emotionally manipulative things you should never say to people:

  • “i would kill myself without you”
  • “everyone leaves me, don’t leave me like they did”
  • basically anything that guilts the other person into staying in a relationship with you
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yoooo this shit doesn’t even have to apply to romantic relationships like if you have friends saying this kind of garbage to you it’s time to re-evaluate who you hang out with

I’m sorry for being mentally ill

there’s a difference between expressing your needs and literally scaring and manipulating the people you care about into paying attention to you though? a giant difference?

if you have abandonment issues or fears of being alone, /communicate that/ instead of threatening suicide or guilting someone into staying your friend bc you’re making them the bad guy for leaving.

legit, you can say, “i’m very afraid of being alone, spending time with you is important to me, i have issues with feeling abandoned that can put me in a really scary place,” etc. bc this way you’re telling the other person about your fears without making them stay your friend or your partner or whatever.

it’s not healthy for you or for the other person when you threaten suicide. and honestly it’s an extremely shitty thing to do. you’re literally telling that person “if you don’t do what i ask my blood is on your hands.” like?? that’s?? not okay??

Your words

This is just to say I have taken The letters That where in My drawer And which You were probably Planning To never deliver Forgive me I needed to know The words you never spoke So lovely Yet so heartbreaking -C.A11282000

I'm a liar.

I’m a liar; a good one indeed. You believe that I’m okay. You believe that the anxiety attacks stopped. You believe that school is going great. You believe that I stopped crying so often. You believe I’m happy.

Maybe it’s not my lying that gets you to believe Maybe it’s you that doesn’t want to see the truth

-C.A11282000

Me

I don’t have a tragic story that caused me to be the way I am. I have a normal family that loves me, and I love them. Yet here I am, clinically depressed and suicidal.

Dad, I love you. You always tell me be positive never negative, and I always nod to you. My mind ,on the other hand, is saying that I can’t be positive. You make it sound so easy, but for me it isn’t. It’s so hard! All these thoughts that have every day… they scare me to death, yet I welcome them. ‘Be happy’ something else that I also nod to. But I can’t seem to let my friend go. Depression. Depression is my friend and my enemy.

Mom, I love you. I’m not possessed by the devil. I’m just broken. She didn’t have anything to do with this. Anger blinds people, and recently you’ve been blaming it all on her when something seems to go wrong. I’m sorry I’m not the perfect daughter you and dad hoped for. I know you listen. I know dad listens also. But it hurts you both to know about my depression. And it hurts me knowing that your hurt. I don’t want to see you cry mom, especially if I’m the cause of your pain. That’s why I’ve kept everything to my self lately. And it’s gotten worse… I used to at least care about school; now I don’t care about it.

I’m broken. I’m a mess. I’m depressed. I’m suicidal. I’m a burden. I’m nothing.

I don’t see a future for me. Maybe because there isn’t going to be one… I don’t know

-C.A11282000