This shark is a dedicated storm-chaser.

Depression

Depression Waking up early, but not wanting to get out of bed. No motivation, what’s wrong with my head? I don’t want to get ready. I’m not going out. Sometimes I just want to sleep to all day. I have nothing to look forward to anyway. I feel worthless and have fatigue every day Just waiting for the right medication to help me not feel this way It’s frustrating trying so many meds, finding the right one Hopefully this med will work, withdrawal will end and this will be done Others who are ignorant will say it’s all in your head They say you just want attention, instead Sometimes you look to food when feeling sad Now I’m upset hardly anything fits that I’ve had. There is help, I won’t give up. I encourage everyone to do the same, keep your chin up.

Psychiatric RN

This is SUPER unnecessary to read

I feel like I need to let it out. A lot of you know what’s going on with me physically, at least a bit. With my arm, losing my finger, possibly an arm, past surgeries and my endless amount of surgeries to still happen.

But I keep everyone at a distance, without knowing too much. Because knowing too much shows weakness. And that’s something I just don’t embrace. But I still need to get it out. And social media isn’t the place. But that’s why I started a blog..right?

I didn’t expect thousands of people to follow me. So believe me when I say, this is irrelevant for you to read.

Scroll on!

But I want to go to the beach more. That’s how I’ll begin. Because I moved to Virginia Beach and spent 90% of my time out to sea on deployment. I never got a chance to enjoy the things I love. Like the beach. But once i returned from deployment and I was told of my TBI and nerve damage in my brain- then shot in my brachial artery/upper arm- the depression slowly took over and I no longer had the desire or energy to do anything at all.

But I feel bound at my ankles and chained at my wrists like it’s hard enough to simply get out of bed and the pain in my arm/hand is unbearable enough, and I feel like the people who love me have so much THEY want to do and I never have time to just….“go to the beach.”

There’s always something I should be doing. Cleaning. Doing laundry. Washing dishes. But I’m not allowed to get my finger wet. I go to the places everyone else wants to go to- I’m rarely asked “what would YOU like to do today?” “Where would YOU like to go?” Instead I am constantly tailing. Dragging my feet in the shadows of another. But at least they’re happy and doing things they love..right?

But I just want to go to the beach. Being alone can suck… but when I am alone I don’t have to meet others expectations of what I could or SHOULD be doing. No one is there to judge me. If I just want to paint- on the couch with music playing and a project in my lap, all of sudden I’m lazy. “Get up off the couch.” “Get out of bed.” “Take your meds.” It’s like I’m a child. And no one wants to be a parent to an adult-child with a brain injury that forgets your favorite food sometimes or what day it is even though I asked 3 times in the last hour.

Before my injuries I planned on this summer being one I remember. And remembering is hard for me. But I wanted to go to remember the beach. Every chance I got. I wanted to fish. I wanted to go to every fair I heard of. Even if it was alone. I wanted to write. I’m left handed and I have to learn to write with my right hand now. So I wanted to learn everything over again. I wanted to visit place I’ve never been. I wanted to go out to random bars on the weekend have FUN. I’ve spent the last 7 months living in two different hospitals. I haven’t been a functioning human being in 7 months. Without nurses all around me at all times. Taking care of the child- adult I am. After “dying” there’s so many things I wanted to DO. I wanted to experience it all.

I never had these issues. I never felt this way or had to deal with the physical disabilities I now cater to. I never had to ask for help. To open a jar or reach something. Help please can you open my pill bottle? What time was I supposed to take these? Did I take these other pills yet? I never had to ask for assistance in remembering things or taking my meds. I’ve always been so independent. These things shouldn’t be anyone else’s responsibility. They’re just TOO much. Too much to handle. No one should have to trick themselves into signing up for this. It’s too hard and it’s TOO MUCH for them. So they need to let go of me and move away and move on. The only issue is- if it’s too much for them…imagine how TOO MUCH this all is for ME.

this isn’t something talked about much in the spoonie community so i wanted to bring it up.

i am always called: over-dramatic.

i never actually knew that was what i had been labeled by people. i thought it was labeled sick, as if that wasn’t bad enough. i’m over-dramatic.

this recently came to light when my father was joking around and he said “the over-dramatic thirteen year old.” i felt like i was hit by a bullet for a second. then i said “one, i am fourteen. two, what?” but he never said anything back. that was strange but i just walled away.

then everything hit me. whenever my mother and i talk about any type of feelings it turns into an emotional fight. she always says i’m making a big deal out of nothing. i just realized she thinks of me as dramatic. she will never recognize any of my mental illnesses or listen to the symptoms and if i ever bring them up she tells me “you need to stop googling things. you’re not google so stop.” any of my true feelings to her are marked as over-dramatic. even if i brought this up i bet it would be “over-dramatic”.

my father hurt me accidentally but trying to grab my hair with both of his hands in a fist. i thought he was going to hit me, so my reflexes came abound and i knocked his hands away but using my wrists to hit his arms. he accidentally grabbed both of my ears and it hurt like hell. he told me i was being over-dramatic. and that was when everything fell into place.

no one believes that my pain isn’t actually there. everyone believes i’m being over-dramatic or i’m using it as an excuse. and that anything mental is just me being over-dramatic. if i ever brought this up, it would just prove the point to them that i am over-dramatic.

this realization really hurt me. and i know that this is more or less labeled over-dramatic because i’m fourteen. but i have been dealing with this physical pain and built up emotional trauma since i was six years old. i mean, i got the nickname smiley in second grade because smiling was the only thing that got me to stop the tears from falling down my face.

back then, i wanted my parents. because they seemed like they understood and cared at the time. they wanted to know how i was feeling. now it’s the exact opposite. they seem like the last people who could ever understand this. i hide in my room whether i’m sick or not because if i could ever risk true emotion coming out, i know it’ll get me into a fight. it always has.

when you become a teenager, you are already labeled as over-dramatic because of hormonal things, teenage first relationships and shit like that. i obviously get my fucking period but i’m not going through anything normal and i’m still labeled over-dramatic because i have mental illness and trauma with physical pain and no friends to talk about it with.

and i just think that’s so stupid. my feelings are belittled because i’m fourteen and apparently i’m over-dramatic because i have feelings. wow, such a shocker. i am capable of human emotions!! people don’t look at my feelings as feelings. people look at my feelings as fourteen year old thoughts. not a person who has been disabled since she was six years old and has encountered so much emotional trauma and physical pain.

i feel like being over-dramatic isn’t something that is talked about a lot. but it’s the first thing on my mind right now. so i’m trying to beat over-dramatic.

The difference between depression and fibromyalgia

Sleeping all the time:

Depression: don’t want to leave my bed. Only safe space. Only feel safe if I’m asleep. The world outside my bed is to be feared

Fibromyalgia: I’ve got shit I need/want to do if I could only Wake The Fuck Up! I want out of this goddamn bed! Fuck I slept for another two hours

Can’t do simple tasks like washing up:

Depression: what’s the fucking point. It’ll just get dirty again. Everything is grey and pointless and at the same time this simple task is overwhelming. Like asking me to climb Everest

Fibromyalgia: I really want to do this task but standing for longer than three minutes in one place makes my hips and knees scream in agony plus my hands feel like I’m wearing thick rubber gloves of pain so I keep knocking shit over and making things worse

Concentration issues

Depression: I can’t concentrate on anything because of the constant static in my head telling me I’m worthless

Fibromyalgia: I can’t concentrate on anything because I am so fucking tired.

Eating Junk

Depression: I don’t care enough about myself to eat properly so I’ll live on crisps and soda and biscuits

Fibromyalgia: I’m too fucking exhausted and in pain to cook so I live on ready meals because at least then I can eat something

—-

Basically the difference is this: if I’m depressed I don’t care and don’t want to do the thing

If it’s fibro I do care and want to do the thing but physically can’t

Only it looks the same from the outside AND if you endure the fibro reasons long enough it can cause depression

Alex via @hurtliar (inspired by my feelings each time I listen yo “Desert Song” by My Chemical Romance)

10pm burden, lktm (via unvirese)

Hope Will Guide You to Happiness (via @astraelogy)

21 ways to stop depression

1: Get Into A Routine {set times, do the same thing day in day out etc} 2: Set Goals {can be big or small} 3: Exercise {as much as you don’t want to, it helps} 4: Eat {eat enough amounts, stop eating too much/not enough} 5: Enough Sleep {8-9 hours is the average a teenager needs} 6: Take Responsibilities {join in helping with a charity, help around school etc} 7: Challange Negative Thoughts {when you think it’s “your fault” why do you think that??} 8: Do Something New {even if you think you can’t do it, you can always learn how to do it!} 9: Try And Have Fun {go out for meals, hang out with friends!} 10: Meditation {play calming music, in a calming position and however long you need to do it, at least until you feel calm} 11: Reach Out {if you feel like nothings working, there is a hella lot of people out there who would help you- especially me!} 12: Face Fears {don’t avoid the things you want to do just because you’re scared. Trust me, you’ll feel great after facing them} 13: Try And Find The Plus Side Of Things {look on the bright side. Someone’s left you? So what? There’s more people out there and I bet that person wasn’t even worth your time} 14: Boost Your Self- Esteem {take compliments and every time you look in the mirror tell yourself “you’re beautiful, you’re worth it and you can make it through today”} 15: Resilience {so what if you fall to the bottom? You can always find that light to bring you back up. If you can’t find it, I’m here to help you find it} 16: Listen To Music {forget the world exists and forget the shit day/ week/ month/ year you’ve had} 17: When Feeling Sad, Blog Things That Make You Happy And Never Become Bored {I’m here for a hella good laugh. I love to see you guys smile, it looks so great on y’ll} 18: Stop Thinking About Mistakes {I did a full post about mistakes here: https://nerdy—emo.tumblr.com/post/162508144463/mistakes} 19: Don’t Be Sorry For Anything {you did nothing wrong and if you did, we would tell you. Oh and don’t be sorry for existing we are so so glad that you exist!} 20: If You Wouldn’t Hurt Someone Else, Don’t Hurt Yourself {you matter as equally as everybody else} 21: Break Tasks Into Small Things {sometimes tasks can be a big thing, so if you break them into smaller things, it’s easier and you’ll be glad that you did}

I really hoped these helped, these are all thanks to research. If you want more, don’t be afraid to ask. You matter so much and I love you. Stay alive. You’re not alone ❤️

Who am I?

The myth says that men think about sex every 7 seconds. The truth is that I think about death every 7 seconds.

You need a private talk? Just message me !:)

Reblog this for suicide prevention.