Me, plunking Stinky Bastard Man’s carrier on the counter: hi he’s here for shots and a nail trim and he’ll need to be sedated

Nurse: Are you sure? We can try-

Me: he needs to be sedated

Nurse: Well, it’ll take longer-

Me: he needs to be sedated, he will try to rip your face off

Nurse: Well we’ll try without first and we’ll let you know if we need to sedate

Me, watching her carry him away: you will need to sedate him

Nurse, coming back 10 minutes later clutching her hand: so, we will need to sedate him

Me:

GIF by justalittletumblweed-deactivate

sneakyfeets

A man with 3 caution stickers on his med file

sneakyfeets

Since this post blew up and people have asked for this villain’s record, here are some of Stinky Bastard Man’s more heinous crimes:

Screamed so loudly with such unbridled fury the one time he wasn’t sedated at the vet that he caused a little girl in the waiting room to burst into tears
Ripped an escape hole in the patio screen door in a single night
Snuck into the garage overnight where he managed to pull down his massive food bag from the top shelves, ripped it open and ate so much he couldn’t/wouldn’t move when we found him in the morning
Learned how to open the laundry cabinet to sleep on the clean towels
Learned how to open doors, thus allowing the dog to follow in after who then eats from the trash
Bats off anything on our windowsills that gets in the way of his sitting. Current succulent casualty count: 4
Thankfully cannot open the bedroom door due to rusty mechanisms, but managed to slip in one night when it wasn’t fully closed. Jumped down from my windowsill squarely onto my stomach, leaving me to bolt awake screaming from the blow and convinced I was under attack
Tricked me into loving him forever anyway

the-haiku-bot

Ripped an escape hole

in the patio screen door

in a single night

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

thebidork

oh my god he’s THIS Stinky Bastard Man!!!!

anais-ninja-bitch

bebe-benzenheimer

the stinky bastard man, the stinky bastard myth, the stinky bastard legend

i-think-2-much

i-am-a-fish

i just woke up could someone please explain how checkmarks work someone bought me the checkmarks and that's really kind what do I do i can't, believe i posted here yesterday that edible gave me courage, also good morning

i-think-2-much

nicolauda

andhumanslovedstories

Do you ever eat popcorn out of the palm of your own hand with such ardent desperation that you feel like both a wild horse and the gentle schoolgirl feeding it treats to gain its affection

andhumanslovedstories

Hey there guys. It’s me, in 2022, commenting on this post from 2016. There’s been a lot of people on this site lately being like “oooh no don’t make viral uwu I’m so pathetic, little, and defenseless and my poor notifications can’t handle 10k reblogs” well first of all ALL of us are pathetic, little, and defenseless and secondly none of our notifications can handle 10k reblogs and thirdly I’m not a coward and I think this should have a million notes. Not because of its own merit as a post, I just think it’d be funny if when I turn 30 this year and I reflect on the greatest accomplishments of my life thus far, I have to at least consider putting “famous tumblr popcorn post” on the list

andhumanslovedstories

Hey there guys. It’s me, in 2023, in May specifically, I’m 30 and for the record it rules, I had a lil aging crisis and now I’m past that and I’m just like goddamn it is great being in my thirties and I had a wonderful birthday NO THANKS TO YOU GUYS

actually, much thanks to you guys. Some of you were inspiringly crazy about this post. Frankly you worked harder for this than I did, and your efforts were touching and inspiring and funny and yet we STILL FAILED. GUYS WE GOTTA PUT OUR EYES BACK ON THE BALL. We have ehhh about six months before I turn the big three-one, which is actually the most important birthday because now you’re in your thirties For Real, and I personally can’t think of a better way to ring in my 31st year of life than by trying and failing to do something that I was hoping to knock out in my twenties.

i-think-2-much

leafmutual

babyanimalgifs

Man greeted by Otter Pup in the water

(Source)

yharnamsnewslug

This is Wild Frank (or Frank de la Jungla) and this man is a fucking hero. He’s been involved in a lot of legal battles because he makes a habit of stealing fucking tigers from billionaires in Thailand and helping them get rehabilitation to get back to the wild. Governments hate him, poachers hate him, but in my country this guy is the face of animal freedom.

Source: babyanimalgifs

i-think-2-much

gierosajie-art

The world is a snail

i-think-2-much

do-you-have-a-flag

disco-tea

The worst thing filmmaker’s ever did was decide that because it’s called “Dracula” it must be because it’s about the actual guy Dracula and his melancholic woes and alluring world of darkness and seduction and not the fact that every single character in the book hates him. Every single worker he comes across cusses him out and tells him he’s ugly and his vibes are rancid. Jonathan Harker wants to chop him up with a machete Quincy wants to shoot him so bad Renfield wants to crush his windpipe Van Helsing and Seward and Arthur and Mina and everyone else want him dead by impalement and decapitation. It’s called “Dracula” because every single character wants a piece of that bastard.

jadedresearcher

So fun fact: At some point in my life I got it into my head I wanted to make a Highly Ambitious Sci-Fi Simulation Murder Mystery Game, where all the characters in it were fully simulated and had their little simulated goals and ANY of them could have done it and it was up to you to piece together the clues they’d naturally leave behind in the wake of their nefarious deeds to decide who actually had the means and opportunity as you slowly realized EVERYONE present had motive. Obviously, it would be a riff on Murder on the Orient Express, but that’s not important. But, when I realized that I wanted to have a SINGLE person be the target of all that aggression, I realized in my heart of hearts that person had to be Dracula. And BOY did the plot of the game write itself out at that point. So many various reasons people could want this bastard dead.

Ultimately, the ambitiousness of the simulation was its undoing: I wasn’t yet in a point in my programmer skill tree where I knew how to properly debug AI, so it ended up unfinished (and for a platform I no longer have access to, alas). HOWEVER let me leave you with my very favorite bug: Because I needed lots of reasons for characters to be constantly moving around and not just holing up in their space-train cars, they had various bodily needs, like hunger and thirst and the need to go to the bathroom, you know, normal things. Imagine my horror and delight when I was running a test game to figure out why Dracula kept Not Getting Murdered only to discover he was *LOCKING HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND PISSING ETERNALLY*. Turns out I had a bug where you just...wouldn’t stop. I ALSO had a bug with the locking mechanism and people could let themselves IN but not out, so eventually the entire cast ended up there in the Infinite Piss room, unable to leave, and unwilling to murder because of all the witnesses. Hell is real and its a buggy simulation game.

disco-tea

Op I’ve been laughing at this for 5 minutes. Literally have tears streaming down my face.

Y... you're OP.

holdin hands <3

hey just so you know, op of that post you reblogged let the dogs out :/

who?

who?

who?

who?

reallyreallyreallytrying

“average person eats 3 spiders a year” factoid actualy just statistical error. average person eats 0 spiders per year. Spiders Georg, who lives in cave & eats over 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted