I always think about this scene in the “The Magician's Apprentice” because when I saw it for the first time I thought the Doctor was being a dramatic lil shit, you know?. Like, clearly he was trying to deflect from Clara’s inevitable inquiries by striking her big beautiful ego. So he plays pretty woman for her and says, “When do I not see you?” because he doesn’t want to deal with her or anything about his “imminent” death. And I don’t think Clara understands the extent of his words either. The doctor being nice to her rings a bell in her head. There’s history preceding this behavior. The Doctor being nice is the equivalent of hiding his hands behind his back so she can’t see the porcelain vase he broke by accident. So she’s quick to brush off his words and ground him with “So who’s the one dying you or me?”
In the “The zygon inversion” there’s this sweet achingly delivered line from the doctor to Zygella “I let Clara Oswald get inside my head. Trust me, she doesn't leave” and Clara’s face after that delivery is so telling, because is the first time she pays attention to what he’s saying. His words sink in, and that’s why when they are back in the Tardis she checks on his feelings about her being dead.
But then comes Hell bent and is punch to my heart because finally we can see the extent of the Doctor’s words. How heartbreakingly honest he’s been with “When do I not see you?” and “I let Clara Oswald get inside my head. Trust me, she doesn't leave”. Those are facts. Blunt raw uncut honesty. Clara Oswald has made a home out of his head. She’s rooted into his core. She’s so intertwined with the Doctor’s being he has transformed her into his conscience. He carries her with him everywhere.
An this is the thing, at the end Clara knows he spent 4.5 billion years in his own personal hell to get her back. But this is what she’ll never know : she was right there with him the whole time…… and it just breaks my heart, man.
And even when she’s wiped from his memories, she lingers like a song in the back of his mind.
