@i-am-a-lesbigwen / i-am-a-lesbigwen.tumblr.com
Uniform? Check. Phone? Check. Jokes? Check. Nerves? Fuck ‘em. I take a quick breath, before turning the handle of Director Clavell’s door and carefully throwing it open, using just enough force for it not to slam into the wall. Clavell had gotten disappointed the last time it had chipped his paint, and that was far worse than anger, coming from him. Don’t call him Grandpa to his face, don’t call him Grandpa to his face. “Director Clavell!”
this was submitted as a one sentence horror story, but it feels like it could be an old jewish joke, like the one about the two rabbis proving g-d doesn't exist or the saying 'people plan, g-d laughs'
This is a thousand times better as a dry Jewish joke than it is as a fake-deep edgelord ‘horror’ story
Even more, it sounds like the beginning -- the set-up -- of the joke. Can’t you hear Carl Reiner opening a bit with this line, or Shalom Aleichem using it to kick off a story?
Well I'm not quite an old Jewish man just yet, but let me give it a shot...
Losing confidence in Himself, G-d became an atheist. He decided to go down to Earth, to walk among humans and see how they found meaning.
He wandered the world until he came to a town, where he happened upon a pastor. "Come to our church this Sunday!" said the pastor. But G-d shook his head. "I don't believe in G-d anymore," he told the pastor sullenly. "And besides, I really shouldn't be working weekends." . . .
this reply in the comments tho
This did not go where I expected from the first tweet and now I am laughing so hard I am crying.
this would literally never happen but imagine if when the bay is getting its shit back together aisha gets a new caseworker (last one got turned into silly string by leviathan) and brian is like Ok. It will make the new apartment go over better if you're there when the caseworker comes so they see you feel comfortable there. and aisha is like Okay But Only If Alec Can Come So It's Not Totally Boring. and brian is like Absolutely Not. Ten thousand dollars? and aisha is like One Million. and brian is like i am not paying you One Million Dollars to spend an evening at the house where you are going to live. so aisha is like ok. i guess i'm not coming then. and then brian pinches his nose for one million years and goes Fine. and then brian proceeds to have the worst night ever
he checks on them in the living room while he's making dinner and they're on the floor playing scrabble and he's like You're playing Scrabble? and they're like. "yep" "yuh-huh"
so he squats down to look at the board and it's just like. FAGGOT. ORALSEX. ALEC. CONDOM. GAYLORD. the one normal vocabulary word on there is horrifically misspelled. and while he's processing this aisha is like "hmm i don't know what to do with my q :(" and alec is like "you know british people call pussies 'quims' :)" and aisha is like "ohhh you're so smart :) ok i'll do that" and alec is like [nodding] and that gives you The Pussy Bonus. and brian is like The Pussy Bonus? and aisha nods sagely and goes The Pussy Bonus. and then alec starts doing terrible incomprehensible math in his notebook to calculate The Pussy Bonus. they both have scores of like 400 and they're not even halfway through the game. he's doing long division for some reason and fucking it up worse than brian has ever seen anyone fuck up anything ever. he didn't even go to elementary school he multiplies 7 and 5 and gets 30
brian keeps checking to make sure the door to aisha's room is still open because he's paranoid that they're going to Make Out or God Forbid have Sex in there. there's literally a 0% chance of that happening but brian is thoroughly convinced that alec "world's worst 15yo" vasil being in his home can only end in alec rawdogging his sister, personally informing the caseworker that brian is one of the most prolific supervillains in the country, setting the house on fire, and then parachuting out the nearest window. we're talking telltale heart protagonist levels paranoid. aisha picks up on this immediately and keeps shutting the door every time brian opens it again because she wants to give him heart failure. alec is completely oblivious to the matter because he's busy experiencing the (severely adulterated by chronic depression) euphoria of being in his best friend who is also his crush's room. he's back in there opening up drawers and being like "ah yes aisha's shirts. Cool Shirts. not lame shirts like everyone else has. these are cool shirts because she's cool. maybe even cooler than anyone else in the city except me"
they get down to the dinner table. brian sets his gun on the table. alec sets his gun on the table also. aisha sets her gun on the table as well. brian goes What The Fuck. Where The Hell Did You Get That. I Said You Couldn't Use Those Yet. anyway this is when the caseworker shows up
CASEWORKER, QUIZZING ALEC TO SEE IF AISHA IS FINALLY MAKING NORMAL FRIENDS: so :) which school do YOU go to?
ALEC, WITH 3 GUNS STUFFED DOWN HIS SKIRT: the one in brockton bay. duh
brian starts nodding furiously and sagely and goes "ah yes. xyz school near here. good school, i'm planning to send aisha there once she's ready" and alec is like wait we don't HAVE to go to school? nobody told me that. and the caseworker is like. they're not sending kids back until they're ready. They Told Everyone This. so alec goes "oh sick cool. ok i'm no longer going to school." which is when brian starts trying to forcechoke him to death with his mind
after the caseworker leaves brian vividly hallucinates picking alec up by the scruff of his neck and defenestrating him but he knows if he does that aisha will sneak out after him and then they'll be hanging out where he can't supervise instead of where he can. so instead he stays up until 2 am trying to work on his laptop while aisha and alec eat an entire gallon of ice cream and make fun of bad movies because he knows the second he goes to bed they Will be tiptoeing into his room with several sharpie markers and a bowl of warm water
brian: oh my god he has a fucking bulge what is wrong with
alec: pulls out a gun
brian:
brian: i don’t know if this is better or worse
the guns are only in there because brian panicked and put them there. alec spends the entire visit not-so-politely refusing to get out of his chair to keep them from clattering to the floor and unhappily doing the mental math on what the odds are that 1. aisha 'adhd' laborn forgot to unload hers/put the safety back on and 2. that aisha 'adhd' laborn's gun is the one currently pointing directly at his nutsack. he lets them fall out the second the caseworker leaves and aisha's gun goes off and puts a hole directly through brian's $8,000 dishwasher
Every time this post comes around, I have to explain this.
Watch Dennou Coil, the most underrated anime pretty much ever.
Please, pretty-please, watch this. Actually, if you follow me and watch this show wholly for the first time I will try to draw you fanart. I want you to watch it that much.
happened again where i was reading about cicadas and thought "damn i should get a cicada tattoo" and then glanced down at the part of my arm where i would put a cicada tattoo, which is where my cicada tattoo is
horseback archery -> several hundred years -> jerking off while driving
watch anthropologists ignore this
Except the horse can just not walk off a cliff or whatever while the car absolutely can. I mean i know horses can but like if they are paying attention they’ll just be like “you’re a stupid and I’m not going there and you can’t actually make me”.
interesting. what other discrepancies have you found between mounted archery and masturbating on the interstate
Top five ideas you’ve had about how’d you’d be a practitioner (what familiar you’d bond, what you’re specialty would be, etc)
here's the top five reasons i would not be a practitioner instead
I feel bad for people who’ve never experienced a corn maze bc it’s not even fun but you just have to do it
I'd like to reblog this with some tags and comments bc I've really appreciated reading them
people who get what I mean:
people who have found a way to have fun in the corn maze but who I'm a little worried about:
person who we are going to put in the corn:
going from the reddit star wars fandom to the tumblr star wars fandom is giving me insane whiplash. the upside is that people aren’t bitching about every single imperfect detail in the entire franchise, but the downside is that i’ve seen more fanart of obi wan and commander cody tenderly knowing each other than i have ever wanted to in my life in the last three hours and it has probably fundamentally altered the way i interact with the entire franchise
after the initial shock of being plunged into the icy cold lake of seeing my childhood action figures caressing each others sweaty chests in a gentle, hidden moment after a battle, i’ve been able to get my wits about me and realize that yeah, i’m kinda with it
When deciding whether to make a Tumblr post, I use the FUNNY criteria:
If any of these is true, I go ahead and make the post, otherwise I just go ahead and make the post.
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