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@hopingforbest

Day by day 🍃
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alexc1ting

19 days - old xian ch.352 English translation 

cleaning typesetting and translation by @datmtlcat and me (sorry for the mistakes you might find, we’re not pro)

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I‘m deeply sorry if you tried to make me feel better, if you gave me everything I needed and I still feel like dying. It‘s not your fault and I am so grateful for everything you do for me. I really appreciate it. It’s just so much and it hurts me that I can‘t be as happy as I should be. I really tried my best. Thank you for everything but please forgive me.

(-deepthoughtsvibes)

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findingmysunbeam

Vincent Van Gogh’s Suicide Letter

My dear brother,

Thanks for your kind letter and for the 50-franc note it contained.

I’d really like to write to you about many things, but I sense the pointlessness of it.

I hope that you’ll have found those gentlemen favourably disposed towards you.

You didn’t need to reassure me as to the state of peace of your household. I believe I’ve seen the good as much as the other side. And besides, am so much in agreement that raising a kid in a fourth floor apartment is hard labour, as much for you as for Jo. Since that’s going well, which is the main thing, should I go on about things of lesser importance? My word, there’s probably a long way to go before there’s a chance of talking business with more rested minds. That’s the only thing I can say at the moment, and that for my part I realized it with a certain horror, I haven’t yet hidden it, but that really is all.

The other painters, whatever they think about it, instinctively keep their distance from discussions on current trade. Ah well, really we can only make our paintings speak.

But however, my dear brother, there’s this that I’ve always told you, and I tell you again once more with all the gravity that can be imparted by the efforts of thought assiduously fixed on trying to do as well as one can – I tell you again that I’ll always consider that you’re something other than a simple dealer in Corots, that through my intermediacy you have your part in the very production of certain canvases, which even in calamity retain their calm. For that’s where we are, and that’s all, or at least the main thing I can have to tell you in a moment of relative crisis. In a moment when things are very tense between dealers in paintings – by dead artists – and living artists.

Ah well, I risk my life for my own work and my reason has half foundered in it – very well – but you’re not one of the dealers in men; as far as I know and can judge I think you really act with humanity, but what can you do?

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Mon cher frère,

Merci de ta bonne lettre et du billet de 50 fr. qu’elle contenait.

Je voudrais bien t’écrire sur bien des chôses mais j’en sens l’inutilité.

J’espère que tu auras retrouvé ces messieurs en de bonnes dispositions à ton égard.

Que tu me rassures sur l’etat de paix de ton ménage c’était pas la peine. Je crois avoir vu le bien autant que l’autre côté.– Et suis tellement d’ailleurs d’accord que d’élever un gosse dans un quatrieme étage est une lourde corvée tant pour toi que pour Jo.– Puisque cela va bien, ce qui est le principal, insisterais je sur des chôses de moindre importance? Ma foi avant qu’il y ait chance de causer affaires à têtes plus reposées il y a probablement loin. Voilà la seule chose qu’à present je puisse dire et que cela pour ma part je l’ai constaté avec un certain effroi, je ne l’ai pas caché déjà mais c’est bien là tout.–

Les autres peintres, quoi qu’ils en pensent, instinctivement se tiennent à distance des discussions sur le commerce actuel. Eh bien vraiment nous ne pouvons faire parler que nos tableaux.

mais pourtant mon cher frère, il y a ceci que toujours je t’ai dit et je te le redis encore une fois avec toute la gravité que puissent donner les efforts de pensée assidument fixée pour chercher à faire aussi bien qu’on peut – je te le redis encore que je considererai toujours que tu es autre chose qu’un simple marchand de Corots, que par mon intermediaire tu as ta part à la production même de certaines toiles, qui même dans la débacle gardent leur calme. Car là nous en sommes et c’est là tout ou au moins le principal que je puisse avoir à te dire dans un moment de crise relative. Dans un moment où les chôses sont fort tendues entre marchands de tableaux – d’artistes morts – et artistes vivants.

Eh bien mon travail à moi j’y risque ma vie et ma raison y a fondréea à moitié – bon – mais tu n’es pas dans les marchands d’hommes; pour autant que je sache et puisse prendre parti je te trouve agissant réellement avec humanité mais que veux tu

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Vincent’s last painting,
Wheatfield with Crows
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straightouttatrenton

The Best Films of 2017.

2017 was a banner year for genre films. Genre films took a lot of risks this year and paid off big time with some important themes and messages.There were five more films I wanted on this list. Honorable mention goes to mother! the type of bold film that I wish every studio took risks on, and The Post. The Post reminds me of why Speilberg is one of the G.O.A.T.s. I have a personal bias against The Post (this has nothing to do with the film itself), so that’s why it didn’t make the cut. One last special mention to Wonder Woman. Really wish I could have Annihilation on this list, but alas that’ll be for next year.

19. Logan Lucky - This film marks the return of Steven Soderbergh with a stacked cast delivering a fun, southern-fried heist film. I have never rooted for a heist to go right in a long time.

18. Thelma - This film from Norway had so many things I did not see coming. By the half-hour mark, I was enthralled on where this was gonna end up. I was not disappointed.

17. Girls Trip - Yeah, these ladies are wonder women too. Like I said in my review it’s rare to see four black women treated with this much respect. Full thoughts here.

16. A Ghost Story - Moving on is hard when you have unfinished business. Some people may find this film pretentious, and I get that between the party scene and the scene of Rooney Mara eating a pie. Look the pie eating scene serves a purpose, but I get it if it tests your patience. To me, David Lowery crafted a very moving film.

15. John Wick: Chapter 2 - The first John Wick was unexpected. Chapter 2 does what I wished most sequels would do which is a) expand on what was presented in the first film, b) explore the world, and c) be at least as good as the first. Full thoughts here.

14. War for the Planet of the Apes - What a way to close out a trilogy. Full thoughts here.

13. Split - Who would’ve thought an M. Night Shyamalan film released in January would end up on this list? Never has a film lost me in its climax only to win me back in its final reveal which recontextualizes what you just watched. Looking forward to what comes next. This has one of my favorite scenes (blocking, directing, acting, and scoring) of the year.

12. Call Me by Your Name - I thought we were done with coming-of-age dramas. Well, 2017 said not as this came and is seriously one of the best films of first love I’ve ever seen. There is one scene here that is powerful and reconfirms that Michael Stuhlbarg is one of the most underrated and underappreciated actors working today. This would be higher on the list had it not been for something that rubs me the wrong way as it did a few other black critics as well as some women too. I’m probably alone in saying this but this could’ve shaved off about ten minutes as well.

11. Logan - Well, Fox had a banner year for the putting the period on some characters between this and Apes. Of note, you can go dark, but it has to be earned with characters to care about and a story worth telling. I hope DC fans can learn that.This plays much better on the (many) times I’ve revisited it. Full thoughts here.

10. Lady Bird - Like I said, coming-of-age films came back hard in 2017. Actress Greta Gerwig makes a seamless transition into writing and directing presenting one of the realest portrayals of the parent/child generation gap. Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf give great performances that speak a lot even when silent. I also loved the high school dynamics in this as well finding them to be very genuine. 

9. The Lost City of Z - Simply put they don’t make adventure films like these anymore. This two and a half hour film flies by as we are always on the cusp of something big. That maddening obsession is one I can relate to. A drive to reach that goal despite all costs. Once the final shot came across the screen, I knew the end credits were about to roll and honestly I could’ve stayed for another thirty minutes.

8.  Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri - Martin McDonagh has made another nihilistic movie.One that may be his best yet. The characters are complex. They take unexpected turns. And yes, parts of this rubbed me the wrong way. But I can’t stop thinking about it. What exactly does justice mean? How far are we willing to go to get it?

7. Blade Runner 2049 - Again this is a masterwork across the board. Reading all the bad (and wrong) takes on The Last Jedi makes me happy that everyone chose to skip this. Full thoughts here.

6. The Shape of Water -  This is hands down my favorite Guillermo del Toro film. It’s a love story made with love featuring a powerhouse Sally Hawkins as mute Elisa Esposito. As always, del Toro’s attention to detail from set design down to performance is outstanding. 

5. Dunkirk - The most cinematic experience I’ve had all year. If you missed out on a 70MM or IMAX 70MM experience, you fucked up. Hell, this was worth it even in fake IMAX. Full thoughts here.

4. Star Wars: The Last Jedi - The problems I had with this are virtually gone after a second rewatch as thematically it all came together much stronger including the purpose of some characters. Full thoughts here.

3. Mudbound - I was wondering when Dee Rees was gonna make her second film and she did not disappoint. The way PTSD is used here to tell a timely and important story of how we let small differences cripple us made for some of the best storytelling with a knockout cast. Mudbound is a film I wish got a better distributor than Netflix as even Amazon Studios makes sure that their films get a proper theatrical release. Really wish I saw this in a theater.

2. Baby Driver - Every time I’ve seen this I’m always left with a smile on my face. A masterclass in directing and editing, like Dunkirk this is truly a cinematic film in every sense of the word. Full thoughts here.

1. Get Out - Was there ever a doubt that this wouldn’t be my number one? Nothing has hit me as hard as this. And like Baby Driver, there’s not a wasted moment in this as both films make great use of their runtimes. Read my full review, as I don’t think I’ll ever write a review that good again.

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guanishani
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writesfic
Anonymous asked:

Heyy~ if you’re still taking requests, can you do one of 19 days? Where guan Shan and he tian have their second kiss? :)

writesfic answered:

I’ve been plotting their second kiss since the dawn of time, so please enjoy this 1k+ of word vomit. Took a while because of deadlines, but here it is, finally!

–

They’ve developed an unusual routine, of sorts. Mo Guan Shanworks the afternoon shifts every Wednesday and Friday, but on his days off, he’sformed a semi-permanent fixture at He Tian’s studio.

Upon initial suggestion, Mo Guan Shan had been full of fight,scowling and cursing as He Tian grabbed him by the wrist and dragged. He likedseeing the red marks on Mo’s  wrists andsee him rubbing at the burns he leaves – still does. Thinking back on it, everyinteraction, every ploy at violence had been an excuse to touch, to put hismark on smooth skin and rough him up into something pretty. He still does itnow, sometimes, when Mo Guan Shan swearing his name with every expletive heknows, kicking meanly at his shins and clawing at his torso, but it’s a lotless satisfying then keeping quiet, waiting for Mo Guan Shan to look up fromwhatever he’s been preoccupied with to ask casually, “what do you want to eat?”Or demand, “let’s stop by the wet market, I wanna get bamboo clams today.”

The casual intimacy is something He Tian never knew he’dwanted, but it leaves him silly, grinning and smug with uncontained pleasure, despitethe moment having long passed. Somehow, they’ve both learned how to exist inequilibrium and avoid each other’s pressure points, leaving a modicum ofdomestic comfort.

When merited privacy, He Tian is considerably less obnoxious,and Mo Guan Shan is a lot less abrasive. Mood sweetened by good food and astunning view of the sunset, it’s remarkably easy to relax, to put on a movieor work silently on their assignments. Their public interactions are stillhorrible at best, jokes taken too far and bruised shins and arms that leavesthird parties wincing, but it’s exactly what they need. It’s easier toroughhouse, for He Tian to hook an arm around Mo Guan Shan’s neck than for himto stroke the skin behind his ear like he aches to – easier to steal casualtouches than to approach the daunting procedures of romance, after all.

He Tian can’t quite forget, the day he’d took the step toofar and unwarrantedly encroached into his space, took and took and took untilunhappy tears formed at the corners of betrayed eyes. It’s easier, to just bewhatever he wants from him – whatever Mo Guan Shan is willing to provide, he’llbe there to gladly receive.

Today, they come back with bags of street food or takeout. They’reboth in the mood for something convenient. He Tian is reluctant to ask anythingof him right now, not when Mo Guan Shan is shaky armed and ridden with darkcircles after an extended shift.

Mo Guan Shan walks around like he owns the place. Grabscushions from underneath his bed and drags them near the window, their usualspot. They eat from the floor, food spread around them like a buffet.

“I assume you still sound like shit,” He Tian says, jerkinghis head towards the guitar case. After forming their band, Mo Guan Shan can’tseem to get enough with practice. And while He Tian genuinely thinks that he’sbeen improving in leaps and bounds, dissing him is an easy opening and he takesit.

“Fuck, you’re one to talk, trash,” Mo Guan Shan pinches himon his underarm, chewing mutinously around his noodles. It hurts like a bitch.

He Tian can’t quite contain his grin, “I’m just speakingfrom the heart.”

Instead replying, Mo Guan Shan wolfs down the last of histakeout, crossing the room to uncase his guitar. He handles it pricelessly, fingerstentative and cautious around the strings. “If I’m as shit as you say, maybe Ineed a new teacher.”

He passes it to He Tian despite the trash talk, and He Tianreflexively strums a few chords. B, Am, D.

Mo’s brows draw down, “the first one…?”

He Tian strums the chord again, magnanimous, “index goesover the second fret, never realized how going home could be anything butlonely until Shan started leaking into the facets of his life.

Their containers are empty, consumed voraciously under thepressures of their teenage appetites. Though they’re silent, it stretchescomfortably as they rest off the vestiges of their food coma, faces lit up bythe orange glows of sunset that leech through the floor to ceiling windows.

“You’re such a perfect house-husband,” Tian coos, only halfteasing.

Shan scowls, “fuck you, I’d make you cook, but I’d get foodpoisoning and die. I can’t rely on anyone but myself these days.”

He motions to punch him, but it’s a half-hearted flickthrough the air, fist loose, landing near Tian’s thigh. His exercise inself-control is in vain – even without contact, the subtle, phantom sensationof fingers on his thigh burns hot.

“Aw, but you like cooking for me, don’t you? You like itwhen I’m full from your cooking,” He insists, his voice too soft and fond toclassify teasing.

And then, what Tian’s been waiting for all evening, thesubtle spread of a blush along the redhead’s ears and down his neck, barelyvisible against the vibrance of sunset. He mumbles a vague, “I hate you,” butthere’s none of that emotion on his face, only breathless embarrassment andluminous eyes.

He Tian realizes he’s forgotten to reply, and the silenceplaces them at an impasse. Without the vindictiveness, they’re dancing to anunfamiliar tune.

Mo Guan Shan looks away, his fingers curling, restless,wetting his lips. It’s awkward, telling and lovely; everything He Tian wantsand more. There must be something in his expression, a lit hunger in his eyes,that finally reconnects their gaze, magnitudes of desire.

He Tian tips forward, shifting his weight onto his forearmsto look at him, new calculation in his eyes. He remembers how this went thelast attempt, but Mo Guan Shan is different now, not quite softening under hisaffections but recklessly demanding it, refusing to back down the more He Tianpushes, mouth pressed tight but eyes mapping out his face, tempting andwordlessly sure.

He Tian exhales, and its close enough to shiver through thespace and brush along Mo’s chin. It’s that very breath that lights him up,leaves him bowing towards him in kind and aching for it. His lips part, slightlypink and wanting, tongue darting out between. Eyes drift down to settle on HeTian’s mouth, breath coming short as he, too, leans in.

Their mouths meet, gentle and soft, moving slow and wetagainst each other until He Tian feels Mo warming up to the movements, fingerstwining the fabric of his jumper into knots and greedily pulling him in.Toppling forward, he ends up halfway on Mo’s lap, a hand propping himself up onthe ledge of his bed as he slots himself into Mo’s space and curls his tongueinto his mouth. Mo sighs pushing back tentatively with his own, before gaspingsharply as He Tian laves it with suckles and kisses.

It must feel too much like being consumed, overwhelminglygood, because instead of pulling him closer, Mo’s hands are frantic, graspingand fluttering at his waist. He Tian shivers.

Taking pity, he softens the kiss, moving gently against himand peppering slow kisses, taking and taking and taking until Mo pushes roughly,fingers long and warm through his school shirt. Sitting back on his ankles, HeTian curls his fingers into Mo’s hair, catching soft tufts between fingers. Mo’sblushing, breathing fast.

“You okay?” He Tian asks, still too sore about the last timeto crack jokes.

Mo doesn’t say anything for a long time, opting to fiddle atthe hem of his shirt before humming an assent. He peers up at him, and He Tianfeels a veritable rush of emotion, equally relieved as disbelieving – he actuallyfucking wants him, what the hell.

“Sit down and stop staring like an idiot,” Mo says, butthe damage is done. He Tian can’t stop grinning.

“How can I when you’re being so honest?” Tian teases, “youfucking like me.”

It doesn’t sound as mean-spirited as He Tian intended it tobe – instead, Mo softens, fingers searching for his even as he snarks, “I’mreconsidering if you don’t shut up about it, asshole.”

He Tian smiles; genuine, happy. Mo’s red-rimmed eyes andtroubled brows efface from mind.

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yaoimania101

Classy, refined, sophisticated.

Raw, Intense, Extra.

Serving looks ! Giving life !

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casually-inlove

Have fun. Some inaccuracies may be present. Ugh, the sound imitation words are the bane of my existence.