Only few know the choice I made and I didn’t know how bad I would feel. I’m a awful human and it should have been the other way around. I should have ended things a long time ago then it wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t have to be here.

I don’t know how not to love him. But I need to learn how not to. I don’t know if being with someone who makes me feel like I’m never enough Is right for me. But no I can’t do it I cannot leave regardless I love him. But I am tired of crying in the shower or in the car. And having absolutely no one to talk to about it. I talk to him but all I get is you are being sensitive and that I need to calm down or I’m looking at it all wrong. All that does is make it worse. So instead I stay quite. And it’s not all bad I see the man I fell in love with everyday but I also see the man that I will never please.

Everything is so crazy! Bills are starting to add up and hours are continuing to add up. 

Confidence

I am so tired of trying to be act like the person that i am not. I am not someone whom is confident within themselves and that is something that I really dislike about myself. but what makes it worse is when someone gets mad at you for lacking it. as if i have low confidence by choice. If I had a choice this wouldn't be the case. I already feel so low because of it so when other people point it out and talk down on my lack of it, it only makes it that much worse. It shuts me sone then they are mad that I such down. People who already think so low of themselves do not need others doing it to them as well. People think they are helping when they speak up about it but that is not the case. They break you down even more. 

How do you pretend not to be broken? How do you pretend not to hurt

Did i expect to much like a card would have been nice. I went all out

I never thought it would be possible to hate myself this much. I’m worth nothing.

You said I’m worth but I know I’m not.

Make me enough! Make this life worth living

I want to kill myself.

I’m tired of crying alone hoping for things get better. They will get better if I’m gone.

Can you love me?

I want you to love me the way that I love you. I can never stay mad at you or hold anything you do against you. But you can’t do the same for me.

You don’t love me unconditionally. You love me when it’s a benefit to you. You love me when you can get what you want.

Sometimes it feels as if you spoil me with gifts to keep me around. But it’s your actions that will do that. Showing me you love me by sticking by my side even when you think what I’m doing is a little crazy. Loving me when I need to do things my way.

You make me feel guilty when I don’t want to have sex. You claim that is not your intention but you don’t do anything to change that.

You can’t consistently make me question if I’m good enough for you or anyone for that matter.

But I can’t let you go. I never knew how hard it would be to let go of someone. I gave you and only you every part of me. And now I can’t seem to get any of it back. I’m losing myself trying to be the women that you can love.

Wanted to go...

I wanted so badly to make 2017 the end. The end for me. But something in me couldn’t do it. I don’t know why. But I’m still here a part of me didn’t want to go.

But why not? I’m worthless and there is no good reason for me to continue living...

I disappointed everyone year after year. Haven’t they all had enough? I sure have. Have had enough of feeling as if I’m not good enough as if I will never be.

Honestly I don’t know why I’m still living. I should have ended it all a long time ago.