Fuck my feelings. I don’t want them no more.

Girl

For a while I struggled to write.

I came across her again and words and sentences flew through my mind like open fire on the enemy.

And again, every time I see my body in the mirror I think of her.

The backstory is, it was me or her.

It ended up being me but I feel reduced to the decision and I can’t help but crawl upon the thought of it being her.

Her waist a few inches short of mine, her facial features small and perfect.

e is a natural beauty.

With her posh complexion, un marked skin and her fucking eyes.

Eyes that looked romantically sad though had a haze of beauty.

It had been a while since I came back to e. Every time I have thought about her I became so consumed by her.

I know so little about her, though my mind still obsesses on her.

She’s done nothing to hurt me but she makes me feel like my heart has been broken.

She frustrates me with her stupid beautiful face and perfectly shaped body.

It’s not anger in jealousy - which is strange as I find I do get angry.

Her angelic fucking innocence makes me sad.

There was nothing wrong with her, no flaw in personality.

It’s almost as if I want there to be something ‘weird’ about her to accept myself.

Though there she is, standing in the shadow of my happiness.

I love you mgb x

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that it’s not loved ones being off with you, it’s your head telling you they are.

It’s your head looking for signs n mistaking things completely.

I apologise for my misconceptions.

I'm over the surface caring, empty promise, false intentions bullshit.

I'm realising I deserve all the love in the world.

Maybe I'm being self centred for once, but I've been through too much shit to ever take more.

Sick and fucking tired.

I feel like I'm screaming but everyone has headphones in up on blisteringly loud volumes, listening to their favourite songs on playlists they've made.

I feel like I'm waving and jumping infront of you but you are contently blindfolded and blissfully unaware.

I just want to tell you I need you right now.

I'd hoped you'd check my more distant social media pages to see how I'm doing.

But I'm nobody to cross anyone's mind.

I've been feeling blue and damn I wish you knew.

I feel the tear trickle down my cheek.

I taste the saltiness of my cry on my tongue.

My soaked eye lashes rest against my crimson puffed eyes as my throat forms a lump too mighty to swallow.

I can't swallow it down now.

I can't swallow it.

I look down in shame - I am sobbing for seemingly no rhyme or reason.

My baggy clothes hang over my skeletal frame and my unwashed messy hair drapes over my hung head.

My immediate reaction is to look away, to look for you because although in this yellow warmth, my friends can't comfort me like that hot-pink and red unending thick love you have for me.

The love I drink like sweet medicine on a spoon.

The sweet medicine that dries my tears and has me in the arms of a warm embrace against a soft beating chest, the chest that I call home.

You understand, you heal my cry

Even if I may not have told you what started this or why.

But you get it and that's what I love.

You're an angel of innocence, purity whiter than a dove.

I don't have to explain myself with you, no talk on my stuttering sniffing part.

I know in you I can rest my hectic heart.

Everything feels so picturesque and perfect, like when I was a girl and sillily admired barbie and ken.

Just that body to engulf myself within to feel at peace again.

Heaven is a place on earth with you,

Tell me all the things you wanna do x x x

Feeling massively like a fucking second choice. Anyone else is a fucking escape.

Do you ever get so fucking sad that ever part of your body aches to sleep just to avoid the hurt?

Now you want my love and that is all.

Though I crave yours, I'll never seem to reach it.

I don't think moods exsist.

I'm just constantly sad. But in measurements.

I won't be happy, I'll just be "less sad"

I fucking need you for fucks sake.

Every second of everyday.

And I might be fucking psycho and you should probably leave me in the mess that I am.

Sorry for always needing you.

Just everything is enhanced with you by my side.

And when I'm alone and stripped of you I feel dark.

What happened to you? Or was it me?

I'm trying to perfect everything in the process of destroying myself.

You were possessive of me because you thought I could do what you did behind my back.