It’s sowing season - are you trying to reap benefits or consequences?

:(

Just a couple weeks ago I went looking for you. I wanted to know how you were doing - but the number I had wasn’t good anymore. I wish I had tried harder to track you down. I wish you knew that this whole time, I thought about you. I missed your humor and your laugh. You should be here.

They taught us how to feel but we just feel numb

I called you tonight - you didn’t answer. I didn’t expect you to, but I was hopeful. I couldn’t muster a message, so I hung up and deleted your number. Pretty soon I’ll be gone and you’ll be able to breathe a little easier. A life without me - a happy thing for you and a very sad thing for me. How is that possible?

Mixed signals

Not that long ago I was lying in bed and the question came to me: If I could have any person in the whole world to love, who would I choose? I barely had to think about it. And as the days continued, it was stuck in the forefront of my thoughts. Hoping that it would relieve the thought, I wrote it down. It seemed to only grow. Whether there was interaction or not, it grew. This strong need to tell him was such a consuming thought. I decided Valentine’s Day was as good a time as any. I wrote out what I had already articulated, and painted a card - but I had to go looking for his address. I knew we had discussed it at some point, so I started scrolling through our text history. I stumbled upon a message from him a while ago that said he hoped I found someone, but it would never be him. And even though it wasn’t my intention to have him, it just felt foolish to tell him anything. Now I have this perfectly worded card, ready to send, with no reason to send it. And the truth is, I talk too much.

I wish you would

Sometimes this really overwhelming thing happens, where I’m flooded with snippets of memories. Mostly places that I’ve been - people that I knew... and I am drown with a spectrum of feelings  - and I almost can’t do anything but experience it until it’s finished. Nothing makes the sad ones stop, or the good ones last. I don’t seem to be able to produce anything meaningful out of it. Afterward I feel drained and rejuvenated all at once and I’m always left with a strong desire to change my life. 2019 is as good a time as any, right?

11/9/18

I read something today that said “this is your only chance” and it hit me deep down in a place that I forgot existed. Everything has seemed so shallow recently. I don’t know if that’s because these things really are shallow, or if parts of me have become impenetrable. But it hurt because I know it’s true, and because we have this weird mindset that we’ll get another chance - that life will bring back to us what we should have... but I know from experience that it’s not true. It doesn’t circle back around, and when we think it has, it’s not the same. It’s just an ending that we forced. A beginning before, was an ending when it “came back around”. THIS IS OUR ONLY CHANCE. Stop living like your decisions don’t matter.

You and Me

I keep thinking back to our interactions when we first met. How I felt when you were around, and how I was always reeling from some interaction with you. I knew then. Things were messy and even though I knew I was making the wrong decision, I continually chose him instead of you. For years after that, I was sure I had missed my opportunity. Missed the chance to spend my life with the only person I ever felt saw me and loved me as I am. But it was written in the cosmos that you are supposed to be in my life. And here we are, 7 years later... both single, both falling into the grooves of that path, that life we are supposed to have. And I think back to the night the ember became a flame, riding in the car with you - you held my hand and you kissed my shoulder. That was the beginning of the rest of my life. That’s when my heart decided to pursue yours in whatever capacity life would allow. I need you near me, babe.

October’s on

I am winging life and I am doing it poorly.

Babe,

I didn’t realize at the time, but I was getting closure the last time I saw you. My one and only regret was not accepting your advances and I always wondered what could have happened - Now I know. I think that’s why I felt so weird afterward. I had imagined that there would be more - that it would open a door, not close one. What a weird thing to get an ending when my heart always imagined a beginning. I always thought I made the wrong decision, but I guess I was fated to make that decision and it worked out the same either way. I know what you’re going through. I know how you probably feel about what happened between us - I’ve been there. I’m sorry. It’s a truly empty thing, but strangely feels like drowning. I hope it passes quickly. I hope you find someone who will love you the way you deserve. You changed my life Bret Stevens. Two times now, you’ve brought me back to life. I am forever grateful. 

How do you teach your heart it’s a crime to fall in love again?

Do you ever just try to be there for someone who is hurting because that is what you always really needed, but they aren’t interested. They clearly want someone, because they advertise their brokenness... but it’s not you that they want. It’s never me that they want. And they never return the favor.

Don’t you dare slow down for me

I know you are going through a rough patch. I know your heart is broken, and you’re trying to put it back together and move on. I know how hard that is.  I don’t know how to explain it except to say that you saved me. You’ve saved me twice now. I will spend the rest of my life trying to pay you back.

And all at once I knew I was not magnificent.

On this day, the 19th of August 2018, a long awaited but never forgotten dream was finally brought to fruition. I do not feel the way I thought I would.

Vindicated in the most horrible way.

She “made her bed” and now she is sleeping there eternally.