i genuinely wish i had a following simply to be able to share my thoughts and have someone know i feel this way. is that bc i crave validation or bc i’m an attention whore?
i wish i could have a premium snapchat or something but idk how i would promote it wo anyone i know finding it.
it feels like i’m just here for when people need me. i’m not here for my own enjoyment but others. they only text or call when they need me but if i need them i don’t receive a text or call back.
why does everyone only think of me as a quick fuck. what did i do. nobody knows me down here what did i do wrong
i completely understand like why u thought something like that was okay to keep to yourself, but after u know i hate the girl for so many different reasons and after we are out w guys we like u find its the right opportunity to tell me that “she doesn’t like me because i sleep with too many people.” out loud. in front of people i’ve just started to get to know. like im sorry but that’s really fucked up and hurts my feelings.
this is gunna be long this time.
super rough day #1 woke up this morning w the most anxiety i’ve had in a while. didn’t go to my 10:30 class and took a nap then forced myself to go to my 5:30. it was a rough one, shaking during class, couldn’t focus. but i got through it.
then the gym, absolutely packed. not something i’m rly comfy doing yet considering i’ve been struggling w my body lately. and i go with my two roommates so it’s less scary but they are both stronger then mr and skinnier so i felt even worse ab it today. usually im alright w going with them. today was just different.
and yes im aware of what im ab to say is bad but it’s not something i can rly control at this point. the man i’ve always been in love w and always will be (my guy bsf) was helping me through it kinda. he has a gf and none of us like her and it’s a very shitty situation but they are together and i know she cares for him, i wouldn’t give it the love label. but this is the convo we just had
*proceeds to try and make him jealous like always*
“just say to him what u usually say to me”
“that’s different tho”
“how is it different”
“idk bc ur you, it comes naturally with u”
“i feel the same way about that. it’s natural w u”
75 soft is honestly shaping me into who i want to be. i’ve never felt more confident in myself but i also might just b manic
“clearly you need 3+ girls on ur arm to feel good ab urself. ur literally the worst guy i’ve ever been with in my life and i’ve been abused” - what i would say to him if i could.
i absolutely hate my one roommate. literally glorifies anorexia while knowing my other roommate and i are recovering. she’s trying to make it a competition.
the fact that i literally gave you another chance after you left out of no where blows my mind that you think i deserve to be treated like that again. not to mention the fact you think i’ll come crawling back the second u want me too. you are the worst kind of person i’ve ever met.
i don’t understand how one guy can fuck my brain up so bad. the kid i’ve been seeing just didn’t get mad at me for not wanting to hang with him bc i’ve had a rough day. yeah i know that sounds normal. but i used to get shit on and yelled at for the same thing. bc i’m a bad gf or i can’t make the time for him. when in reality i’m drowning. but he doesn’t get mad at me for that. he tells me “u need time to yourself, that’s okay, take all the time u need, i’ll be here when u are ready”
one day they’ll find me and wonder what they could have done to prevent it. anything. you could have done anything that showed u cared, or showed you had faith in me. yet that was still too much to ask. too much for u to say “i’m proud of you”
well guess what. i’m proud of me for making it to where i am now, but i can’t hold out much longer.
it’s my going away party to where i can’t see my friends for three years. three years. and they are acting as if it’s just a normal house party they can skip. people i’ve known for years.
fuck this town. fuck these people.
fuck this. fuck that. fuck them.
i’m over it.
it’s like everyone stuck in their own little comfort bubble and they think the world is going to explode if they leave it. like GOD TAKE RISKS