You told me you liked the bump on my nose so I got it done
You said my short hair was pretty so I grew it out to my hips
I threw away my favorite shade of lipstick because it was yours too
I don’t want any part of me to be recognizable to you
I don’t want to look like I was loved by you
I want to be me before your words and feelings carved out my entire personality.
- s.r.
You know my mental health is getting better when I randomly take on four languages and an instrument lmao
Honestly can not tell if I value platonic relationships more than romantic and that’s why I take it so hard when my friends get boyfriends. Or if I’m just actually a lesbian and can’t distinguish those feelings yet. Because I swear it feels like betrayal when they start dating someone and I have to act like it doesn’t annoy me.
Does anyone else feel naturally independent but is so crippled with anxiety they appear dependent on people? Cuz I feel that way all the damn time
*sad thing happens*
I so desperately want to write a book that changes the world. A book that captivates people for ages. Books have given me an escape from the world that makes me feel so lonely. They draw something out I feel has always been a part of me but couldn’t reach on my own. When I have nobody in real life I still have the characters written on those pages for comfort. Creating each scene and detail in my imagination letting it become my new reality. Letting it create a new perspective of the world for me to see.
The idea that I could write something that could make someone else feel a little less lonely motivates me. That I could create a character someone identifies with when they have no one around them to feel that way with. I just want the chance to change the world and for some reason I feel like writing a book could do that.
I hope I never stop learning new things. The thought of not constantly expanding my knowledge is always weighing on me. I want to dedicate my life to studying the world. Everything like languages, religions, physics, mathematics, music, cultures, etc. How can I ever be satisfied knowing there are so many new things to encounter and analyze.
It sucks because I want to live 10 different lives in one. In one life I want to be a lawyer and fight on behalf of the voiceless. In another I want to be a teacher and educate the future of the world. And sometimes I want to be a doctor or maybe an engineer. The list never ends.
Not to mention the constant desire to travel and interact with people all over the world. Go to all the tourist spots then go to secret and hidden gems. See the way the architecture is done and admire it. Or the new food you get to taste and drinks you get to try. Not to mention just the honor it is to get the chance to experience another world or culture. How can you not admire every little detail.
I’m so conflicted with my identity too. Do I want to be a soft and sweet girl? Or do I want to be an edgy and bad ass bitch? Or can I be both? Actually maybe I want to be like a fairy and live in a cottage. However the idea of living in a New York apartment watching the rain pour seems like a dream.
I hope I live it all out and never settle for the worlds idea of happiness.
I hate how unnatural happiness is for me. The idea that some people are naturally happy in life completely blows my mind. Because I have to wake up every morning and try my hardest to get out of bed. If I drop something even if it’s unbreakable and unimportant I have to stop my self from crying because there’s no good reason to cry over it. I have to convince myself to not completely stop doing everything I love again because I know that means spiraling back down. And I can’t go there again. I can’t go back to taking 3 hour naps in the middle of the day. I can’t go back to not reading my Bible, or not enjoying church. I can’t lose focus not again. But there I am having all these emotion bottled up trying to work through them naturally instead of crying over everything or being angry. Here I am trying to convince myself to get up and eat. Here I am trying to remember who I am before all this happened. I can’t go back time and time myself not to spiral into depression. I can only get up and move away from it. And at this point I have to much to see, to do, to learn I can’t go back. I won’t.
It was never hard being numb to emotions for me. Honestly, it was my way of coping with the pain. In my head that’s how I was always going to be. Numb. But you don’t just get to choose what you’re numb to it’s everything. Not just pain but happiness as well. You literally feel nothing about everything. And when you feel hopeful. When you feel the slightest bit of emotion you remember with a flood of memories all that feeling things brings. The good and bad. I’m here in my bed with tears running down my face trying to decide if I am going to choose happiness even with the pain. Tears are present because I felt lonely tonight. I felt something. Truth be told I have been feeling things for a few days but they weren’t bad. But this feeling was pain. It was human emotion again. The bad with the good. So, what do I do. Will I choose to feel, to be strong, and maybe joyful again even if it cost me pain? I think this time I will. Feeling things doesn’t make you weak it makes you a human being . Don’t let the pain in your life make you forget the good. And God by my side is my hope. A hope I didn’t have before. So, here’s to happiness even if it involves pain.
When people ask me if I believe in love I’m not quite sure what to say.
I mean yeah I believe it exists but I don’t believe in the healing power that people label it with. It’s ironic to cuz I’m a Christian and I believe in God’s love but human love is so broken and twisted. I never understood why we desire love so deeply when the pain it can inflict is seen all around us. Why would I even want to put myself in a position where I could feel the life being sucked out of me but in reality I’m very much alive.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten a chance to feel the healing of love only the hurt of it. Maybe it’s because people have hurt me over and over and that I decided that “to love and lose is better than to not love at all” was just lies. Or maybe it doesn’t exist like everyone insist it does.
But if it true and it does exist. I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse to feel it. All I’ve known is pain after so-called love. But love after pain maybe that’s where the healing is. Maybe that’s when you know it’s real.
The thing is though these are all maybes. Maybe it exist maybe it doesn’t. Hopefully, one day I’ll know cause to write about love so easily as others do seems so beautiful.
You think I need you? That I can’t live without you? I went through some of the lowest points in my life with nobody. I cried at night with nobody holding me or telling me it’s gonna be okay. You think you know everything about me but I only tell what I want you to know. Not a single soul knows the real me. Because the real me isn’t just laughing till my stomach hurts. Or having a crazy night out. Or looking pretty and matching with all of my friends. The real me is the one who cried myself to sleep, who wiped my own tears from my face, and convinced myself life was worth living when I wanted to die. Don’t get me wrong I pray to God and go to Him for help. He is the only one who knows me inside and out. So, don’t think for a second if you screw me over I won’t cut you out of my life. I may be alone but God’s there. Imma tell you I don’t need nothing else.
