my cat is incredibly sweet and wants nothing more than to be within a 5 ft radius of a person at all times, gently chilling in your orbit. he is also VERY, VERY DUMB 

it’s a slow morning so husband and I are reading, not making much noise. meanwhile, Barold goes downstairs to use his box and when he comes out, he starts yowling like his lil heart done broke. husband goes to to the top of the stairs all worried like, “Barold, what’s wrong?”

kitty zips back up the stairs and just oozes onto husband’s feet, purring high-powered lawnmower style. the realization hit us both at the same time…

this. boy. this itty bitty kitty boy. 

he couldn’t see or hear us for ten continuous seconds, forgot. we. were. home. and immediately burst into tears !!!!

I was just focusing on the fact that you named your cat Barold for the entirety of that post

I want this cat to be named Barold Bluejeans so bad

Good news!

That is exactly his name!

Here is Barold Bluejeans in a bathtub!

The best news ever!!!!!😻😻😻

He’s an orange, that explains everything.

You can hear the dial tone in that gaze.

There was a young man from Peru

Whose limericks stopped at line two

There once was a man from Verdun

There once was a man from the sticks Whose limericks stopped at line six. They were fine till line five Then they took quite a dive — But the problem is easy to fix If you just ignore the last line, it doesn't even follow the rhyme scheme oh god I've really lost control of this thing I'm so sorry...

There once was a man

From Cork who got limericks

And haiku confused.

There once was a man from the sticks

Who liked to compose limericks

But he failed at the sport

Because he wrote them too short

@limerickshere

There once was a fellow named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He replied, "Yes, I know-- It's because I try to squeeze as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."

On Tumblr did lasses and lads Their way with fail poetry had. You're having your fun But you're fooling no one - It takes skill to do something this bad.

I actually misremembered who made the suggestion; this is @heyyoufriendthere (orange⬇️)'s fault. Plaintext with annotations below the cut.

I actually misremembered who made the suggestion; this is @heyyoufriendthere (orange⬇️)'s fault. Plaintext with annotations below the cut.

Asking for directions

Oh… - zooms in - Ohh…

That puts a whole different spin on it. It’s amazing either way, but now I need a moment.

Hi, OP. Your art inspired me to write a story; I hope you enjoy it.

The Earth rises in pieces over the curve of the moon.

So the astronaut unfurls their map – because there’s always a map, and always a plan, preflight checklists and safety protocols, each variable lovingly, fearfully calculated. The paper makes no sound. There’s only white-noise in their suit, like a sigh escaping. Dust that will never move again settles at their boots.

It’s cold. So very cold, and lonely.

The astronaut traces a gloved finger along a trajectory they do not recognize. Up, past inky orbits and soft, graphite nebulae, spirals and columns and the infinite black. They look away. Past the cyan mosaic of home, and into the void.

There stands the angel. 

guess who stood on my keyboard and closed all my tabs

the criminal in action

taro says splendid job, brother cisco.

okay I'm very passive when it comes to updates on this site but hey tumblr???? hey @staff????

And speaking of scurvy, I am eternally amused by the thing where some ancient form of healing that was born in a time where people didn't know exactly how the human body works, or what causes it to stop working sometimes, that still somehow worked. Like how so many old folk medicinal plants were listed as a cure for various ailments that - from a modern view - are clearly just symptoms of scurvy, and the plant itself is rich in vitamin C.

I recall reading some story, no recollection of the exact time or place, where the king of a large empire suffered from constant horrible headaches and was incapable of falling asleep unless drugged or blackout drunk. Sick of taking temporary fixes to dull the pain and having to be sedated every night, he called up some old sage healer who was said to know how to fix things nobody else could explain, and the healer heard his symptoms and went

"Hmm. You spend too much time being a king. Your skull is packed so full of kingly thoughts that they don't all fit in there and that's why your head is in pain. You need to spend time not being a king." And prescribed him to schedule three days every month where he must go to a peasant village where nobody knows he's the king, live with a family there under a fake name and identity, work in the rice fields with them, eating the same food and sleeping on the same mats. Absolutely nobody is allowed to address him as the king, speak to him of any royal or political matters, and he himself is not allowed to think any kingly thoughts or think of himself as the king.

And naturally, this worked. Taking a regular scheduled break from a highly stressful office desk job to completely decompress, paired with physical exercise in the form of hard but simple physical labour, plain and simple food and Just Not Thinking About Your Fucking Job All The Time does help chronic stress, which here was worded as "spending too much time being a king clogs your brain."

Sometimes you do have ghosts in your blood, though I'm not entirely sure whether you should do cocaine about it.

Clark Kent’s birthday canonically being February 29th is hysterical to me. Not because it’s meant to jokingly explain away how Superman is a timeless character, but because it implies Martha and Jonathan Kent found an alien baby in a cornfield, and when pressed to choose a birthday for their new baby, they gave him the most difficult birthday possible.

clark is clearly not a newborn and they're just going "well he is a leap day baby we don't really know how old he is! you know how newborns are, we lost track of time, the kitchen calendar got ruined by water when the upstairs shower leaked! he could be 1, he could be 2!"

wait i'm not done.

this man is an ALIEN. he meets Batman AS AN ALIEN BEING. imagine knowing Superman for like, a year or so, enough that this friendship is solidifying, and his age/birthday comes up (maybe because he insisted on getting something small for Bruce's more publicly known birthday!) and this adult alien who is NOT BEYOND pulling petty shit when it's harmless and funny, says with a straight face and no explanation, that he's six years old. what is bruce supposed to do with that? maybe kryptonians age differently! clark could draw it out for a while, letting Bruce think he's younger than Robin! and Bruce wouldn't have a good reason to disbelieve it unless he like, went digging for Clark's high school records or something (which he MIGHT do but then maybe he's trying to respect a little of the privacy of the one friend he managed to make, pre-intense paranoia days).

and then it was just a leap day joke

AND THEN KON SHOWS UP AND IS LIKE

"I'm six!"

AND BRUCE IS LIKE

"i'm not fucking falling for that again."

You love to see it. (Not the destruction of trees, obvs, but shitheads meeting their oncoming comeuppance at the hands of trees.)

Tree law! (comic by reddit user Reachling)

Would you use a D&D 5e Homebrew "Heroic Action" System?

The idea is that your players, outside of rolls and hard mechanics can CHOOSE to have a heroic moment and influence the story in a way that they want to. The DM can negotiate what's possible, and offer them something like a Minor, Major, or Grave Consequence. Essentially, it's a player getting to choose a moment to shine in exchange for the DM giving the player a disadvantage or long term consequence.

And please don't comment or tag with systems that have similar mechanics/systems. I'm already aware of them, and yes, they'll have an influence on this.

I think I might have a new horrible, terrible, fucking amazing story idea.

Okie dokie it took a very disturbing turn very quickly but here’s the idea;

Imagine the tiniest, most wimpy, pathetic, pitiful dragon you possibly can. She’s got blunt horns and blunt teeth, and her claws aren’t very sharp! She’s a little smaller than your average house cat! Her name is Altheria. Her hoard consists of;

And she’s so little she can’t even hold the coin in one paw. It’s not a big coin, she’s just little and doesn’t have thumbs! 👍

So the other dragons are all bigger and greedy, and very mean to her. She’s struggling to hold onto her one pathetic coin, and these other dragons are fucking HUGE with caves full of gold, yet they’re super greedy and want all the gold they can get! So one of them sees Altheria’s single little coin and steals it. She tries to fight back, but they’re so big compared to her that they just bat her out of the sky like hitting a fly with fly swatter.

So she’s lost her entire hoard in one night, and she’s feeling pretty pathetic, when she sees a poster!

HELP WANTED - RESCUE PRINCESS ELIZABETH - REWARD 15,000 GOLD

and she gets a very bad idea, but she’s pretty desperate and stupid so she does it anyway!

So the story follows Altheria as she blunders her way through this quest to save the kidnapped princess (so tragically taken days before her wedding!!!) And she kinda sucks at it. She mostly skates by because everyone looks at her and goes “She’s so small!!! She’s harmless!!!”

And there’s this thing called The Gift that people are born with. Only people with The Gift can understand dragons, so no one knows what the fuck she’s saying anyway. Everyone just ignores her!

Well Altheria makes it to the bandit infested fortress where the princess is only to discover….

Drum roll please!!!!

The princess wasn’t kidnapped. She ran the fuck away because she was not vibing with that whole marriage thing. She’s taken over this small army of bandits and become their leader. She’s plotting to take over her father’s kingdom and become queen instead of being sold off to some prince. She’s building an army.

Elizabeth has offered every would-be rescuer to show up a choice; join her cause, or die. Out of 37 would be rescuers, only three have joined her. The other 34 she defeated and killed in single combat. Because she’s a badass.

She then ransomed the bodies to their families for a shit load of money.

So Eliza has The Gift, and gives Altheria the same choice but with some added sugar; if Altheria joins up, she can be Eliza’s treasurer.

Altheria takes one look at the 35,000 gold Eliza has built up, and Eliza promises they’ll get even more gold if they can take over the kingdom… And Altheria is 100% on board!!!!

But the reason dragons need gold is simple; the more gold a dragon possess, the larger they grow. That’s why Altheria was so small. She only had one coin! But now she has 35,000 that she (kinda, she shares with Eliza) owns.

Altheria starts growing again. Throughout their quest to take back the kingdom in Eliza’s name, she gets bigger, her teeth and horns get sharper, her fire gets hotter… She becomes a fucking badass, just like Eliza.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten so far.

This story is badass. hehe~ Imagine Eliza and Altheria going around defeating the other dragons that bullied Altheria before (in the sense of robbing; unless dragons do “fair and square” matches to get the Gold) and Altheria just becomes this extra huge, extra strong, extra badass dragon and the rest are now the tiny fly treatment dragons. XD hahaha

I have this image in my head of Altheria eating the alley cat that was mean to her in chapter one, but this works too

OP can I 🅱️lease draw fanart

I would die for you if you did

Bless

And you know I had to draw my favorite part

I’m actually crying oh my god I can’t see the screen anymore my eyes are too blurry with tears in my god oh my god oh my god do you understand you’re my favorite person now? Holy shit holy shit holy shit I love you she looks so little and perfect it’s exactly how I pictured it thank you THANK YOU THANK YOU❤ ❤ ❤

I hope you know I’ve been sitting here in hysterics repeating SHE’S GOT A LITTLE FORK SWORD SHE’S GOT A LITTLE FORK SWORD SHE’S GOT A LITTLE FORK SWORD OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH OH MY GOD

I WOULD DIE FOR ALTHERIA

(she’s gOT A LITTLE FORK SWORDDDD–!!!)

I LOVE ALTHERIA!!!

it’s been long enough i’m making an executive decision that we all need to go reread the tgi fridays infinite mozzarella sticks article

still just as good as i remember it

rb if you, like me, are the rare breed of internet user who always closes browser tabs that you dont need. like sorry your computer runs like shit maybe its because you have 50 fucking tabs open, cant relate

Tanoraqui’s Lovie Bracket: FINAL ROUND

As the prophecy foretold, it has come down to Tolkien vs Pratchett…but reminder to please not just vote by fandom names! I have a lot of lovies; I name them a lot of things! This is a tournament of lovies—and while I do, we all do, love Lord of the Rings and Discworld with nigh-equal fervor, it is also, nay, MORE important to judge these wonderful animals on qualities like:

…or any other metric which seems suitable to you for judgement!

Congratulations to THE GREAT A’TUIN, ultimate winner of Tanoraqui’s Lovie Bracket!!

Tanoraqui’s Lovie Bracket: FINAL ROUND

As the prophecy foretold, it has come down to Tolkien vs Pratchett…but reminder to please not just vote by fandom names! I have a lot of lovies; I name them a lot of things! This is a tournament of lovies—and while I do, we all do, love Lord of the Rings and Discworld with nigh-equal fervor, it is also, nay, MORE important to judge these wonderful animals on qualities like:

…or any other metric which seems suitable to you for judgement!

2 hours left and the Great A’Tuin’s lead is strong! Can Laurelin and Telperion rally?!