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hazel

@hazeldash / hazeldash.tumblr.com

hazel @ ao3 & dw
hi

Still a lot of people in my notes going on about how they can’t be stopped in re: Rhys Darby, and I regret to inform them that after doing some research on a tip-off from a friend, finding Rhys Darby hot (”a bit of all right” in New Zealand legal parlance) was officially regulated in Section 6.3c of the Domestic Garden Control Amendment Act (2005), replacing Fred Dagg, who was originally identified as a promoter of farming in the 1976 version of the Act. 

(Obviously from a legal perspective it would have been ideal to split comedian regulation out into its own Act, but Maggie Barry’s member’s bill was never drawn from the ballot and since the notorious gardening advocate left Parliament nobody has chosen to take it up - this seems unlikely to change since legalisation of gardening was narrowly defeated in the 2017 referendum).  

The provisions of the “garden ban”, as it is commonly known, are unusually severe and thirsting after Rhys Darby is in fact punishable by up to $100,000 in fines and 500 hours of community service. Obviously this is hard to enforce outside New Zealand’s borders, but it is taken into account in visa applications and administration, and the last recorded deportation on these grounds was as recently as 2019. If you ever intend to visit New Zealand, I would strongly recommend developing an attachment to legal comedians such as the Topp Twins or Dai Henwood. 

Rose Matafeo is, of course, regulated separately under the Promotion of Flowers (Prevention) Act (2013). 

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I would just like to clarify that the punishment for thirsting after Rhys Darby is in fact, under section 54 of the Domestic Garden Control Act 1976, in the case of an individual, a fine of up to $100,000 or community service of up to 500 hours, or both; and in the case of any other person, a fine of up to $500,000.

Thirsting after Rose Matafeo, regulated as you say under the Promotion of Flowers (Prevention) Act 2013, attracts a much smaller fine - up to $5,000 in the case of an individual or up to $10,000 in any other case - because that Act largely covers the commercial production of flowers for deterrent purposes, such as Valentine’s Day and hospital visits.

Happy to discuss.

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Another point to consider is that a group of people thirsting after Rhys Darby en masse can be treated under the Domestic Garden Control Act 1976 as a body corporate for infringement purposes. In R v Morse, Coffey, Greene & Others [1986] NZLR 411, the Court of Appeal found in a majority decision that a group of individuals who had developed a community garden together were a body corporate for the purpose of the Act and could therefore be held collectively to the larger penalty. Cooke CJ dissented.

This is very unusual in New Zealand law, and was further upheld by an amendment to the Domestic Garden Control Act 1976 in 1992, which added a section that deems individuals who “reside in different dwellinghouses” acting “collectively for the benefit of gardening occuring outside of the grounds of a single dwellinghouse” to be a body corporate for the purpose of the Act.

No other statutory regime has a similar provision that treats otherwise unrelated individuals as a body corporate in the absence of an underlying legal entity such as an incorporated society, company, or unit title body corporate.

Still a lot of people in my notes going on about how they can’t be stopped in re: Rhys Darby, and I regret to inform them that after doing some research on a tip-off from a friend, finding Rhys Darby hot (”a bit of all right” in New Zealand legal parlance) was officially regulated in Section 6.3c of the Domestic Garden Control Amendment Act (2005), replacing Fred Dagg, who was originally identified as a promoter of farming in the 1976 version of the Act. 

(Obviously from a legal perspective it would have been ideal to split comedian regulation out into its own Act, but Maggie Barry’s member’s bill was never drawn from the ballot and since the notorious gardening advocate left Parliament nobody has chosen to take it up - this seems unlikely to change since legalisation of gardening was narrowly defeated in the 2017 referendum).  

The provisions of the “garden ban”, as it is commonly known, are unusually severe and thirsting after Rhys Darby is in fact punishable by up to $100,000 in fines and 500 hours of community service. Obviously this is hard to enforce outside New Zealand’s borders, but it is taken into account in visa applications and administration, and the last recorded deportation on these grounds was as recently as 2019. If you ever intend to visit New Zealand, I would strongly recommend developing an attachment to legal comedians such as the Topp Twins or Dai Henwood. 

Rose Matafeo is, of course, regulated separately under the Promotion of Flowers (Prevention) Act (2013). 

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I would just like to clarify that the punishment for thirsting after Rhys Darby is in fact, under section 54 of the Domestic Garden Control Act 1976, in the case of an individual, a fine of up to $100,000 or community service of up to 500 hours, or both; and in the case of any other person, a fine of up to $500,000.

Thirsting after Rose Matafeo, regulated as you say under the Promotion of Flowers (Prevention) Act 2013, attracts a much smaller fine - up to $5,000 in the case of an individual or up to $10,000 in any other case - because that Act largely covers the commercial production of flowers for deterrent purposes, such as Valentine’s Day and hospital visits.

Happy to discuss.

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i could write an entire sociology thesis on the tom hiddleston fandom tbh I keep going into the tag to look for gifs & get confronted with these truly wild self-insert fantasy blogs that are varying levels of detailed but are universally almost completely unsexy. there was one that was just “imagine if tom hiddleston was your divorce lawyer” 

it’s taking all my reserves to not make “imagine if tom hiddleston was your divorce lawyer” my blog title

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Imagine if Tom Hiddleston was your divorce lawyer and you sent him fifteen increasingly-strung-out emails about how you suspect your ex of nefarious purposes and you hate his new lady and he replied really soothingly and calmly and professionally and then went out to drinks with his other lawyer friends and sighed over his red wine about how family law is really social work and his friends in civil litigation laughed at him again.

that one really eloquent australian dude getting arrested for dining and dashing is my idol tbh

this guy

I feel like this guy is an English nobleman from 100 years ago sent into the future and didn’t think he had to pay for food because of his status

AND YOU SIR?????

ARE YOU WAITING TO RECEIVE MY LIMP PENIS??????

christ i just cannot stop thinking about this video. every word out of this man’s lips is delivered with such majesty and grace that you almost forget he’s screaming about his dick after refusing to pay for a meal

ok last week i saw this reblogged with someone claiming that this guy was a serial dine-and-dasher and well known to the local police department and that this was merely one of his many outings. Ive just seen someone else reblog this saying he was a chess grandmaster. im gonna give the accumulated forces of an unchecked internet the benefit of the doubt and assume that both are true, in which case, what the fuck. Who is this guy???

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That’s Gazza, mate.

so a racist got utterly demolished in less than 30 seconds on the New Zealand morning news on Monday and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen

who knew a white guy could be capable of such an iconic response, he knows what’s up and is having none of that shit, every other white guy take notes tbh

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I love that he said Pakeha

Can someone write what its being said in this?

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Male co-host: We have had a whole heap of feedback regarding Te Tai Tokerau MP Kelvin Davis’s proposal to institute a prison run on Māori values into New Zealand. He’s looking at potentially establishing this prison up north. It isn’t Labour policy just yet, it’s just an idea of Kelvin Davis’s. And this has been really really divisive on our Facebook page this morning. (sarcastically) Here I think we have the single greatest email, the single greatest message we have ever had on breakfast.

(clears throat deliberately) “’Janice’ says: Good morning. I’m sick of hearing that Māori need different treatment. If they don’t want to live in our society, then maybe we should put them all on an island and leave them to it.”

Male co-host: “Janice. That is LITERALLY what happened! That is the history of our country. Last I checked, Māori WERE on an island, they were left to it, and then Pākehā (Māori term for white New Zealanders) turned up and look how that worked out. But thank you very much for that brilliant insight. Goodness me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, they actually-“

Female co-host: “Actually, you can’t even get angry, you just actually need to laugh and then screw it up and put it under the desk. Just when you thought-“

Male co-host: (mimicking letter) “’Put them all on an island, leave them to it.’ Yeah. What a great idea that is Janice.

Hosts responding sarcastically to dumb emails is an entire genre in New Zealand television and radio presenting. Basically all the main RNZ National presenters (roughly equivalent to NPR or BBC4) make a regular habit of it. 

Also beautiful: this Broadcasting Standards Authority response to a guy who tried to lay a complaint over Guyon Espiner speaking too much Māori on Morning Report. Tō waha, e hoa. 

im putting together a couple of scottish folk mixes bc that’s what i do and im honestly curious if anyone in my country has ever been unequivocally happy about anything ever

scottish trad music genres:

  • Everyone I Love Is Dead
  • The English Have Stolen All My Sheep
  • You Want To Be My Boyfriend? First You Must Answer These Riddles Three
  • The Protestants Have Stolen All My Sheep
  • I Love You A Lot But You’ve Left Me And It’s Raining [fiddle solo]
  • The Sea Is Treacherous, Just Like The English
  • One Time Bonnie Prince Charlie Punched Me In The Face And It Was Awesome
  • The Fairies Have Stolen All My Sheep

We have of course the traditional Irish music genres to go with them:

* Everyone I Love Is An Allegorical Representation of Ireland

* The English Stole My Farm And Put Sheep On It

* You Were My Boyfriend But Now You Won’t Even Come To The Window To Look Upon Me And Our Dead Infant Child (In The Rain)

* Whack Fol Too La Roo Umptytiddly Good They’ve Stopped Listening Now Let’s Talk About Revolution

* Something In Irish, I Think It’s About Fairies, Or Maybe A Cow

oooo can I add to this? don’t forget Appalachian folk balladry, the American cousin of Scottish and Irish traditional music and just as uplifting as its Anglo-Saxon highland forbears!!!

genres include:

  • I Left Everyone I Love Back Home In The Holler To Be With This Guy Who Doesn’t Wear Shoes Or Have Teeth But He Plays A Mean Jug
  • The English Told Us Not To Move West Yet, We Ignored Them, My Entire Family Was Killed
  • You Were My Boyfriend But You Tied A Sack Of Rocks To My Petticoats And Threw Me In The Creek (And My Baby Too)
  • Mama Loves All 14 Of Us A Lot But She’s Weary Of Our Shit And Now She’s Dyin’ (Gather Round)
  • The McCleans Stole A Firewood Log From Our Pile So We Won’t Rest Until The Last Of Their Male Kin Is Laid In The Cold Ground
  • We Knew The River Would Rise But We Still Didn’t Fix The Levee 
  • The River Rose, The Levee Broke, Everyone Died, It Was Just As We Reckoned (dulcimer twang-a-lang) 
  • When The Rebels Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Southern Man And I Feed Their Horses My Best, When The Yankees Come A-Marchin’ I’m A Northern Man And I Feed Their Horses What The Rebels Left
  • The Tennessee Valley Authority Killed All My Sheep Somehow

Don’t forget that old standby “The Mine Collapsed and Everyone Died”!

I think someone needs to put in a word for the English folk tradition though:

  • I Met a Girl and We Went Hunting (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)
  • I Met a Girl and We Caught Some Birds (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)
  • I Met a Girl and We Found Her Lost Pet (It Was a Metaphor for Sex)
  • I Met a Girl By Staying At Her Parents’ House and She Made My Bed (It Was an Especially Thinly-Veiled Metaphor for Sex)
  • I Am a Girl and I Regret Engaging In Metaphors for Sex Because Now I’m Pregnant
  • I Met a Girl and Bribed Her Into Sex But She Stole My Horse and Ran Away With It
  • I Met a Girl At an Inn and We Had Non-Metaphorical Sex But She Stole My Stuff The Next Morning and Now I Have Syphilis
  • Your Fiance Died Either at Trafalgar or Waterloo, Let’s Get Married, I’m Glad You Said No Because I’m Really Him In Disguise
  • Lord Nelson Sure Was Awesome
  • The Press-Gang Dragged Off All the Important Men in My Life (And Now They Are Dead)
  • Farm Laborers Are The Salt of the Earth And Are Never Grindingly Poor
  • Begging Is a Completely Viable Career Option With Flexible Hours and Unlimited Access to Alcohol

behold mongolian folk music genres

  • I Went Out Riding and Noticed Mongolia
  • We Fought a Bunch of Guys (On Horseback)
  • Witness My Many Ungulates
  • (While On a Horse) I Met a Hot Girl Who Reminded Me of a Plant
  • On Three, Say What That Terrain Feature Looks Like to You (One, Two, Three, A Horse)
  • Witness My Many Ancestors’ Many Ungulates
  • I Also Enjoy Heavy Metal, Especially If It’s Made of Horseshoes
  • Oooorrrrweeeeuuurrrreeeeuuuuwwwwwrrrrrrrr (Is Tuvan for “Horse”)
  • You Might Not Know This About Me, But I Own a Horse

THE MONGOLIAN FOLK SONGS MADE IT BETTER.

now with more okinawan!

  • We Must Plant the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk! 
  • We Must Harvest the Crops, Let’s Get Drunk!
  • There’s No Crops Right Now, Let’s Get Drunk!
  • Sex On the Beach Is Awesome, War Is Bad
  • There Are Ghosts in the Trees
  • The Japanese Exploit Us (And the Americans Do Too)
  • I Love the Sea, This Island Is Beautiful, War Is Still Bad
  • Hey, There’s an Old Man, Let’s Get Drunk!
  • Respect Your Parents Or You Will Be Lost at Sea Forever

As the daughter of a folksinger and spouse of a folklorist, I love this SO MUCH.  Here’s some from the sub-sub-genre of French folk songs of the Midwest…

  • I Am A Brawny-Armed Lumberjack Who Loves a Town Girl, Oh No!
  • Oh Fuck, I Slept With a Fur Trapper, What Shall I Tell Maman?
  • Hauling Logs, Rolling Logs, Driving Logs, All Day, What Ho!
  • Like Hell You’re Marrying That Good for Nothing Bambocheur!
  • Fetch My Gold Ring That Fell Into the Sea!  Now!
  • I Met A Sailor While A-Strolling, And Now We Are In Love!
  • I Want to Kiss the Sailor I Met A-Strolling, But I’m Afraid My Father Will Find Out!
  • Oh Fuck, I Kissed the Sailor I Met A-Strolling And Now We Are Doomed!

Some Italian Folk Music Genres

A Spider Has Bitten Me And If I Do Not Dance I Will Die, Alas

I Am A Very Fancy Man With A Very Fancy Hat

The Cable Car Is A Thinly-Veiled Metaphor For Your Feminine Torture, O Woman

Rome Is The Very Best Place And Every Other Place Is Just Awful

I Love You, But You Are Married

I Love You, But You Are Fickle (Why Did You Dance With The Baker’s Son, Thou Vixen?)

I Love You, But You Left Me All Alone On This Romantic Wind-Swept Hillside, Which Is Actually Very Pretty, But Not As Pretty As You, Foul Temptress

Rome Is Still The Best Place And Every Other Place Can Go Right To Hell

Seriously Once You Have Been To Rome You Will Just Be Sick At The Thought Of Being Anywhere Else, You Will Pine Away And Die

I Love You, But You Are Dead (Or Maybe You Just Went To Live In A Slightly Prettier Place)

Rome, Rome, O Rome, Ah Rome, Rome Rome Rome, Have I Mentioned That I Love Rome?

Venetian Special Genres:

Women Are Like The Ocean: Salty And Full Of Drowned Sailors

Women Are Like The Ocean: I Cannot Figure Them Out At All

I Saw You One Time At A Party And I Have Designs Upon Your Feminine Virtue

I Love You, But You Are Married To The Ocean (For Some Reason)

I thought I would add some Dutch ones, because I saw no one had added any: - That Girl Is A Prostitute (But At Least She Goes To Church)

- That Incompetent Sailor Is Actually A Girl, But She Will Have Sex With You If You Don’t Kick Her Off The Boat

- Someone Of Any Occupation Is Doing Something, But Unfortunately They Are Now Dead

- Fuck You Spain (Haha, We Sunk Your Boat And Stole Your Silver)

- Fuck You England

- We Might Be Small, But We Will Fight You

- Life Isn’t So Bad, If You Just Go Outside

- Fuck You Winter

- Look At That Guy (Wild Racism)

- We Like Going To Other Countries (More Wild Racism)

- Drinking Is Fun

- Drinking Makes Me Long For Sea

- God Is My Dad

- My Province Is Great And Full Of Nature

Some nice Russian folk songs:

  • There Was A War And Everyone is Dead, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird
  • There is Going to Be a War And Everyone Will Die, There’s Also a Sybmolic Bird
  • The Dyeing Is Happening Right Now, There’s Also a Symbolic Bird
  • I Had a Dream About Us Dying (No Birds Involved)
  • Alas You Are Dead 
  • I’m a Bird, I Drink Vodka
  • Fuck It’s Cold
  • Frost Do Not Freeze Me Do Not Freeze My Horse Do Not Freeze My Wife Please I Have Children

And my personal favourite:

  • Ayy Lmao This Guys Head Just Got Shot Off, We Are Going to Die Hahaha

I just couldn’t miss an opportunity to provide you a comprehensive summary of Ukrainian folk music genres.

~ I Married To A Man And Moved Far From My Home But I Want Fucking Back On My Fucking Land To My Parents And A Guy Whom I Actually Planned To Marry Before My Society’s Patriarchal Structure Destroyed My Life

~ A Guy Whom I Loved Loved Me And Also A Some Other Bitch So I Poisoned Him So That Nobody Gets Him

~ This Is My Land And I Love It Very Much, Period

~ I Made A Traditional Kupala Wreath And Released It On Water To Find My Love, No Sexual Hits Involved

~ I Have A Veeery Deeeeep Well In My Garden, And Also A Veeery Curly-Wurly Cabbage, And Also A Veeery Sweeeet Carrot Growing There, Come On Guys Check It Out, Oh, And There Are Totally No Sexual Hints

~ Graphic Descriptions Of Lesbian Sex

~ Everybody Is Dead After A Battle But There Is One Particular Cossack Whom I Am Especially Obligated To Mourn About Because He Is A Representative Of Our Entire Nation’s Young People

~ The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries

~  The Couple Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries And It’s Compared To Some Sad Shit Happening In Nature

~ Let’s Kill All People Who Threaten Ukraine Hahaha Yay!

~Let’s Kill All People Who Threaten Ukraine And Involve Some Couple Who Cannot Be Together Because Of Various Reasons And Everybody Cries

Adding these well-known Cajun hits

~ I have a boat and have procured many crawfish do you love me?

~ I sure do love crawfish, boats, the bayou, and also dancing

~ My girlfriend can cook, and is therefore superior your girlfriend, who cannot

~ my girlfriend cannot cook and is therefore inferior to all other girlfriends

~ I saw you over a pile of crawfish and knew I was in love (on the bayou)

~ a list of regional dishes set to the tune of kitchen utensils

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so at the bar in which I work, there’s an unofficial rule that all of our door staff must have names that start with D or rhyme with ‘doorman’, which has led to me befriending a trio of six foot four men with beards called Doorman Logan, Doorman Drew, and Doorman Dan. 

now, let me tell you now that Doorman Dan is the absolute love of my life. I don’t care that he’s a decade older than me and has a fiance. you know when someone is so extraordinary or impossible to define that they’re simply referred to as ‘a character’? that’s Doorman Dan. now, before I get into his personality, let’s describe his appearance. imagine the most stereotypical Scandinavian person ever: tall, white-blond, strong-jawed. now, add a heavy South Walian accent and an orange jumper.

that’s Doorman Dan. 

since meeting him last year, I’ve discovered:

  • he once had a dream that he had a tattoo that said ‘shit happens’ on his left arsecheek, so when he woke up he decided he had to fulfil the prophecy and got it tattooed on his arse by a bloke called Junkie Jeff at 9AM
  • he forgot to call his girlfriend for three months while he was in the army, and was completely unaware they had broken up until he wished her a happy Christmas and she responded with ‘what the fuck Dan’
  • accidentally married his army buddy in Vegas for thirty-six hours
  • he saw someone beating up a guy for being gay, and instead of jumping in and fighting back he decided to get absolutely bollock-naked and stand in front of the homophobe until he got freaked out and ran off
  • he has a millionare buddy who rings him up once a month for ‘mystery adventures’, one of which has resulted in Doorman Dan no longer being allowed inside any John Lewis shops
  • he is convinced the love of his life is not his fiancee, but a man named Ned. upon being asked who Ned is, he shrugged and responded with: “I’ll know when I meet him.”
  • he runs an Instagram account dedicated to his pet rabbits and refuses to let people into the bar unless they follow him
  • his fiancee booked a wedding venue before he even proposed. “I don’t even know if I’m invited, truth be told.”
  • when he caught a couple having sex in our loos, he didn’t want to intrude so he just gently knocked on the door and asked if they’d like a snack
  • he has created his own non-alcoholic cocktail called Doorman’s Sunrise because he feels left out being the only person on the dance floor without a drink when he’s patrolling the bar

I could honestly write a ten-season sitcom about him

happy mother’s day, earth. i’m sorry we are destroying you

For hundreds of thousands of years “mother earth” sent every horror under the sun against her human children. Plague, drought, famine, volcanic detonation, and destruction on an enormous scale decase after decade, century after century.

And you find fault with us?

A mother who tortured her children the way she’s tortured us isn’t fit to bear the title “mother”. A mother who feeds and then starves, a mother who gives birth and then slaughters…

That she should find our blade at her throat now should be a surprise to none involved. We owe her nothing, least of all the compassion she’s never shown us.

you ever hated women so much you pulled receipts on a fucking planet

plus, the planet’s gonna be fine. It’s humans, and a great deal of the rest of the living things on this planet, who are fucked.

reblogging for the idiot who thinks volcanic eruptions are directed at him personally 

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My second-favourite poem is:

A man said to the universe:

“Sir, I exist!”

“However,” replied the universe,

“The fact does not create in me

A sense of obligation.”

(it’s by Stephen Crane)

Kids for the love of god stop putting depreciating little notes in your summaries on ao3.

  • if u tell someone something is,bad nine times out of ten, they’re going to believe you without looking at it
  • not to say “do as i say not as i do” but if you wouldn’t put up with behavior like what you’re doing to yourself if someone did it to your friend THINK REAL HARD ABOUT IT
  • YOU LISTEN TO ME. ITS NOT “AN AU NOBODY ASKED FOR”, ITS “I HAD A GREAT IDEA FOR AN ORIGINAL AU (or take on an AU lmao Shakespeare wasn’t original either) SO I WROTE IT.” HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY SOMEONE WHO IS HAVING A SHITTY DAY AND LOVES DOG GROOMER AUs. YOU JUST MADE THEIR DAY.

Vodka Auntie out OH PS if your mom is shitty or otherwise unavailable on Sunday for mothers day come hang out in my ask box

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FURTHERMORE AND RELATEDLY:

Do! Not! Apologize! For the content! Or quality! Of your fic! In your notes/summary! DESCRIBE it as accurately as you think necessary, tag appropriately, but DO NOT START BY APOLOGIZING. 

People who think your story is bad and/or weird and/or reprehensible will think that whether you start by apologizing or not and frankly: fuck ‘em. 

Your story is the thing that it is and it, and you, have a perfect right to be on the AO3. So tell people what they’re getting into, to the extent you think is necessary/helpful, and then let them decide whether they want to thank or blame you for bringing that to the party. Bringing something to the party is nothing to apologize for, even if somebody in the room is allergic to it or just doesn’t care for the taste. 

This goes double for any sort of creative work you present in public: speeches, art projects, books, whatever. Never apologise, never explain*. Embrace your right to be there. 

*I mean obvs we can come up with edge cases all day like ‘what if I throw up on someone in the front row’ or ‘what if my nemesis crashes the conference to try and do battle with me using broadswords’ but in all vaguely realistic scenarios: never apologise. Never explain. Present your stuff. Let it stand or fall for what it is. 

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The 2 best pieces of professional advice I’ve ever been given are:

  1. practice making your voice heard; and
  2. your answer is your answer.

Like sixth-light said, never apologise, never explain.

Samuel Vimes distrusted the kind of person who’d take one look at another man and say in a lordly voice to his companion, “Ah, my dear sir, I can tell you nothing except that he is a left-handed stonemason who has spent some years in the merchant navy and has recently fallen on hard times,” and then unroll a lot of supercilious commentary about calluses and stance and the state of a man’s boots, when exactly the same comments could apply to a man who was wearing his old clothes because he’d been doing a spot of home bricklaying for a new barbecue pit, and had been tattooed once when he was drunk and seventeen and in fact got seasick on a wet pavement. What arrogance! What an insult to the rich and chaotic variety of the human experience!

Terry Pratchett - Feet Of Clay (via terrypratchettparadise)

Came because, woo, a fandom Kiwi on Tumblr; stayed for the highly intelligent commentary and dry wit.

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*Kiwi fandom high-five* Slightly weirdly, pretty much all the other fandom Kiwis I know I have met in real life - some of them I then connected with online. (Some of them I knew of through fandom before I met them but didn’t know they were Kiwis!) We’re pretty few and far between. 

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AND WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR MORE. *shifty*

my fav trope is like, nonhuman characters not understanding human needs/customs but still being super supportive of their human companion

“look what I found while exploring this planet’s surface!” “kilrak please I’m trying to sleep” “ah yes your human circadian rhythm. *stage whispering* I am supposed to be quiet during this time in your rhythm, yes?”

“the book I purchased on ragnok V says humans require physical touch when upset. therefore, I shall engage in a ‘hug’ with you.” *supremely awkward five-armed hug ensues*

*human sneezes* “OH MY GOD SIL'EEN GET THE MEDIC OUR HUMAN IS DYING”

“this pamphlet I received recently says that humans require companions and packmates in the form of small earth creatures. you should have told me this before we departed earth, but it is no worry. we will have to stop at the next trade planet to get you one of these ‘cats’ or ‘dogs’.”

imagine the aliens really purchasing a kitten for one of their rough and world-weary scifi badass human companions and watching in helpless wonderment what ensues 

“she’s been cuddling that small animal for the past fifteen minutes just going ‘kitty, kitty’. did we - did we break our human?”

a more seasoned alien puts one of their tentacles around the younger one as the rest of the team gathers to watch their human make kissy noises. 

“no, kilrak,” the alien says. “we did good.” 

“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the anniversary of your hatching! According to my human culture pamphlet, it is customary to set a sugary pastry on fire while chanting your species’ growth incantation and presenting sacrifices wrapped in shiny paper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this request therefor insensitive… but may I be allowed to participate? It sounds much more fascinating than molting.”

“Human Steve, I have read about your ritual dance called ‘The Hokey Pokey,’ performed mostly at mate-bonding celebrations after the guests reach an elevated level of intoxication. But Human Steve, how do I know WHICH left foot to put in, put out, and shake all about? I do not… Human Steve, why are you laughing?”

“Human-Steve, you are… you are eating, but it is not one of your ritual fueling times. Are you dying? Is everything alright? Have you not been receiving enough sustenance? Do I need to get you better things to eat? Human-Steve, why are you trying to hide that food?”

“Human-Steve, my research has informed me of a grave oversight in your care that I, as your companion, have made! Thus, I have gathered collections of fictional human literature to read aloud at the time of your bed. Which is more to your liking: “The Care and Keeping of Cacti” or “1001 Crossword Puzzles?” Human-Steve? Human-Steve, I am serious.“

One of the things I love the most about this post is how “Human-Steve” makes me think that there is also an alien called Steve in the squad, and I just imagine the first meeting and introduction where there is the human guy introducing himself as Steve and then there is this huge blue guy with like 5 legs and bug eyes and apparently Steve is like a completely regular name on his planet too in some intergalactical coincidence

that was off topic sorry.

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that was the best possible tangent, thank you for this addition

some very very good vimes facts™ i have picked up while rereading jingo

  • absentmindedly strikes matches using sgt. detrius, who is made of rock, on multiple occasions
  • murmurs sarcastic clapbacks under his breath during official city council meetings, while vetinari glares at him. the saltiest bitch in the game
  • allergic to paperwork, apparently solely because he can’t stand his coworkers spelling and/or punctuation from hell
  • thinks “so are we gonna have a war or what” is appropriate diplomatic dialogue
  • literally so noir that he takes extra unofficial patrols to stand in the rain at 3 in the morning and brood 
  • and fucking loves it
  • honestly doing his best to work against a lifetime of ingrained prejudices. not perfect but t r y i n g
  • fluent in ephebian (discworld latin) or fucking close enough for a guy with presumably no secondary education
  • doesn’t give a shit about the laws of space and time, just the good old laws of ankh morpork. get that supernatural shit outta here 
  • can toss his sword high enough to spin three times and still catch it by the handle
  • “a watchman is a civilian you inbred streak of piss”
  • will only eat food which Sybil has burnt beyond recognition cooked over the flame of a live swamp dragon
  • so in love with his wife, gets really flustered every time she speaks
  • a knight, but incredibly embarrassed about it
  • by the end of this book pretty much the second most powerful man in the city, being a duke in a kingdom with no king, and still really embarrassed about it
  • ghost rides the whip piloting a boat through a deadly thunderstorm on not one but TWO separate occasions (here and in snuff), still doesn’t know how the fuck boats work
  • calls the prow of a ship ‘the sharp part’
  • i can’t let this go by without mentioning this sonofabitch also ARRESTED TWO OPPOSING ARMIES and then his OWN TYRANT in order to stop a war like how incredibly Extra–
  • fuckin made me cry again guys ive read this book like ten times
WTF? That’s crazy! Here no bank will loan you money without a surveyor’s report on the property. Good luck on your house quest! I hope you find some more reasonable sellers.

We’re in the bubble stage of our property market like you guys before ‘08 - houses are turning over on average in less than a month, prices are rising 5% a month, house prices in Auckland are 12x the average household income which is ‘severely unaffordable’ - and I read recently that three-quarters of all house sales in Wellington, where we live, are made unconditionally. THREE-QUARTERS. 

Yeah, it’s crazy and irresponsible, but the housing market here is fucked.

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I’d add to that and say that the way property law works in New Zealand - title by registration and a centralised and Government-backed registration system - means that land sales in NZ have always been (and have always intended to be) very quick-and-dirty. That’s only one part of the puzzle, but it means that the buyer and seller have an enforceable contract the moment an offer of purchase is signed by the seller, which can happen within hours of the offer being made. 

Which means that - even when the market isn’t totally fucked the way it is now - NZers don’t exactly have a long and proud history of caution and prudence when it comes to house purchases. Add in a bunch of historical policies and stockmarket crashes that mean that many people with spare cash (mostly boomers) put all said spare money into real property, which as you’ve identified is a pretty low-risk investment (renters are desperate and capital gains are $$$), combined with shitty rental protections and you get an absolutely shit market to be… existing in, really, unless you’re a long-established home owner with no intentions of moving.

Good luck, sixthlight.

Did I mention my parents ended up paying literally as much as they paid for their house again in repairs (back in the early 90s) because they did not get a builder’s report done before they bought it and it turned out to have very serious structural issues, and I have vivid childhood memories of the stress this caused, so I may have Some Feelings about the idiot way this whole system works. 

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LITERALLY nightmare fuel.

The building report on our place was basically “do not buy this house, it is a rot-infested shack of doom” BUT it was also the cheapest house in the suburb in the closest-to-town suburb we could possibly afford and we were facing the end of our tenancy (due to the landlord wanting to move back home from Germany) so we went ahead.

And lo-and-behold, our house is a rot-infested shack of doom - but at least the location is great and we knew what we were getting into. I can’t even imagine thinking I’d bought a dream house and discovering I had to make major structural repairs. :((((

WTF? That’s crazy! Here no bank will loan you money without a surveyor’s report on the property. Good luck on your house quest! I hope you find some more reasonable sellers.

We’re in the bubble stage of our property market like you guys before ‘08 - houses are turning over on average in less than a month, prices are rising 5% a month, house prices in Auckland are 12x the average household income which is ‘severely unaffordable’ - and I read recently that three-quarters of all house sales in Wellington, where we live, are made unconditionally. THREE-QUARTERS. 

Yeah, it’s crazy and irresponsible, but the housing market here is fucked.

Avatar

I’d add to that and say that the way property law works in New Zealand - title by registration and a centralised and Government-backed registration system - means that land sales in NZ have always been (and have always intended to be) very quick-and-dirty. That’s only one part of the puzzle, but it means that the buyer and seller have an enforceable contract the moment an offer of purchase is signed by the seller, which can happen within hours of the offer being made. 

Which means that - even when the market isn’t totally fucked the way it is now - NZers don’t exactly have a long and proud history of caution and prudence when it comes to house purchases. Add in a bunch of historical policies and stockmarket crashes that mean that many people with spare cash (mostly boomers) put all said spare money into real property, which as you’ve identified is a pretty low-risk investment (renters are desperate and capital gains are $$$), combined with shitty rental protections and you get an absolutely shit market to be... existing in, really, unless you’re a long-established home owner with no intentions of moving.

Good luck, sixthlight.

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with great affection for the person I reblobbed this from, this is TERRIBLE. the Lawful -> Chaotic scale isn’t a “good -> bad” scale!!! and I don’t think good -> evil should represent quality here, but attitude.

Lawful Good: tags conscientiously, reliable exchange participant who follows their recip’s prompts to the letter while also trying to fulfil the spirit of their requests, probably picks up pinch-hits, always does whatever their beta recommends, prefers canon het pairings and juggernaut slash pairings, leans more towards OTPs than multishipping in most fandoms and has a very reliable “brand”.

Neutral Good: tags for archive warnings and anything requested, does Yuletide every year and has a good time and so does their recipient, likes gen. All their porn is for very mild kinks. Always gets a beta.

Chaotic Good: tags for archive warning or chooses not to warn depending on their whim (but always one or the other), ignores recip’s specific prompts but pays attention to likes and dislikes, once every 5 years writes a brilliant pinch-hit on the spur of the moment, rarely writes the same pairing twice, ships all the incest and threesomes. You follow them on the AO3 still hoping that someday they’ll write another perfect story for that one fandom. They never will. They rarely use a beta.

Lawful Neutral: tags to the point of redundancy, every exchange story is between 1.2k-2k, only into juggernaut pairings. Only gets a SPAG beta.

True Neutral: always uses archive warnings, always defaults before the deadline, stories max out at PG-13, otherwise undistinguished.

Chaotic Neutral: every story is Choose Not to Warn, never writes the same fandom twice, their beta is a worse writer than they are and sometimes makes their story worse.

Lawful Evil: tags everything, including every minor character and every background pairing; chapters are less than 800 words long; stories are always finished but never finish satisfyingly; in exchanges always manages to include a DNW the recipient didn’t know to list or defaults at the last possible moment;

Neutral Evil: please R&R! I won’t update until I hit 50 comments!1!!

Chaotic Evil: never uses warnings, writes Optional Details Are Optional in every exchange, deadline defaulter, talks to their muse in the author’s notes, Chapter 57/?

It was said later that he came under bad influences at this stage.  But the secret of the history of Edward d’Eath was that he came under no outside influences at all, unless you count all those dead kings.  He just came under the influence of himself.
That’s where people get it wrong.  Individuals aren’t naturally paid-up members of the human race, except biologically.  They need to be bounced around by the Brownian motion of society, which is a mechanism by which human beings constantly remind one another that they are, well, human beings.

Men at Arms

“And yet we say this.  Here in this cave at the end of the world peace is made between dwarf and troll and we will march beyond the hand of Death together.  For the enemy is not Troll, nor is it Dwarf, but it is the baleful, the malign, the cowardly, the vessels of hatred, those who do a bad thing and call it good.  Those we fought today, but the willful fool is eternal and will say—”
“This is just a trick!” Ardent shouted.
“—say this is a trick,” Bashfullsson continued, “and so we implore: come to the caves under this valley, where you will find us sharing the peace that cannot be braken.”

Thud!

I AM NOTHING IF NOT LITERAL-MINDED.  TRICKERY WITH WORDS IS WHERE HUMANS LIVE.
“All right,” said Susan.  “I’m not stupid.  You’re saying humans need… fantasies to make life bearable.”
REALLY?  AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL?  NO.  HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN.  TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
“Tooth fairies?  Hogfathers?  Little—”
YES.  AS PRACTICE.  YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
“So we can believe the big ones?”
YES.  JUSTICE.  MERCY.  DUTY.  THAT SORT OF THING.
“They’re not the same at all!”
YOU THINK SO?  THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY.  AND YET—  Death waved a hand.  AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME… SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
“Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point—”
MY POINT EXACTLY.
She tried to assemble her thoughts.
THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A MILLION YEARS, said Death, apropos of nothing.  DON’T TRY TO TELL ME THAT’S RIGHT.
“Yes, but people don’t think about that,” said Susan.  Somewhere there was a bed…
CORRECT.  STARS EXPLODE, WORLDS COLLIDE, THERE’S HARDLY ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANS CAN LIVE WITHOUT BEING FROZEN OR FRIED, AND YET YOU BELIEVE THAT A… A BED IS A NORMAL THING.  IT IS THE MOST AMAZING TALENT.
“Talent?”
OH, YES.  A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY.  YOU THINK THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS INSIDE YOUR HEADS.
“You make us sound mad,” said Susan.  A nice warm bed…
NO.  YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN’T TRUE.  HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME? said Death, helping her up on to Binky.

Hogfather

“People as things, that’s where it starts.”
“Oh, I’m sure there are worse crimes—”
“But they starts with thinking about people as things…”

Carpe Jugulum

beautiful

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Sometimes it is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.

--Men at Arms