Log in
Avatar

Untitled

@hawkfire3600

PostsLikesFollowing
hawkfire3600
assassinationtipsforladies
Avatar
uss-edsall

my Jewish grandmother got ordained as a Christian priest on the internet to be able to officiate the wedding between the daughter of my antivax uncle-in-law who’s converted from Judaism to born-again Christianity and her excommunicated Mormon fiancé who has a wife and four kids he may not be divorced to that he can’t speak to because of the excommunication, because they can’t get a Jewish rabbi, a Christian priest, or a Mormon priest to do the wedding

Avatar
uss-edsall

oh and she’s also nine months pregnant and expecting at any moment and the wedding is not only within a week, it’s on 9/11

Avatar
uss-edsall

"In lieu of any red roses, please send a bouquet of red flags to the Bride and Groom,"

hawkfire3600
dingdongyouarewrong
Avatar
americanphysco

in order to combat the homophobia "allegations" I think chris pratt should come out as bi and fabricate an entire fake narrative about him and chris hemsworth being lovers (chris hemsworth starts going by hemmy so that they aren't a chris4chris couple). pratt says that they wanted to tongue kiss on the set of the new thor movie but big marvel silenced them, and #ShowtheKiss starts trending on twitter in support of their brave statement. the two of them get so caught up in this lie that it persists for several years, culminating in them getting married as a publicity stunt before chris pratt ultimately breaks down and comes out as homophobic, divorcing chris hemsworth and posting several angry twitter threads insulting him. instead of coming clean though, chris hemsworth doubles down on the lie and releases a very emotional notes app tweet about how chris pratt shattered his heart during this stressful and complicated divorce. he says that he can no longer go by "chris" or "hemmy" because both of those names remind him too much of his lost love, so he starts going by "sworth" exclusively to cope. of course, the internet collectively loses their shit over the situation and chris pratt's name is permanently ruined as a result, since he has now been labelled the man that made it so sworth can never love again.