moving on doesn’t mean that i wont always care for her. i will, i just wont be there with her to care for her. i care from afar, and i will go on this way, a part of me still worried she is okay, happy, safe. but i raise my chin up...  and move forward, these thoughts present but not presented.  ive moved on, but she forever will hold that piece of my heart. maybe one day we will meet again.. maybe not. its not good to ruminate on such things... i may be stubborn, selfish... but i am not a liar... i will, always love her.  i am many things, but a liar...?  no.  i will always love her.

i will always love her... always be open to talking to her again...  ive been drunk for 3 months straight...  in this moment of clarity...  i know i will always be able to love her... she is young... if its meant to be... i’ll meet her again someday...  and life can start over...  im not sure i can date anyone as easily as she could yet...  even so... nothing long-term, that hope that one day she shows up at my door... i hold onto something unlikely... but i don’t care.  i want her happy, i want her safe, i want her to take me back... but the latter... is far from likely at least until she grows a bit older...  like i said, she is young still...  maybe one day? maybe?  she’ll always be my tiny black gowned princess...  i thought i had found my queen veiled in crimson....  maybe, maybe one day it can be rekindled... slowly.  from scratch...  for now...  i continue to bide my time with the bottle...  i cant bother her if im past out... 

i hope you are happier than I am. Days turned to weeks, weeks into months... And I still think of you, and how badly I wish I could go back and do things differently... You may never know how truly sorry I really am. Or that when I said I would always love you... I meant it.

its been like 2 months since kalee and i... fucked it all up. still stuck on her.  i have to reframe my mind, i dont have a little family with her, i dont have a future with her, and yet, i cant have a dream that she is not in...

kalee.  why do i still feel for you.  why cant i just let go... theres that part of me that just cant... i made a promise.  that id always love her. and i cant break it, ive tried and tried... when she left, its like a part of who i am was just... missing.  i want to let go. but i cant... im trying and trying... i guess its hard when you feel like you have found a partner for life to just.. not have them there anymore at all.. i want to be okay, but im not sure ill ever be the same.

"i cant have a relationship right now i need to focus on work" *see's this person already has been in 2 relationships and working just fine* me:  what the fuck?

1 year ago today i moved into my first apartment... there is so much i would do differently...  those hand prints on the wall, were supposed to mean something...  i dont have the heart to admit it, but i wish i could go back, even now.

this day, somber, drunk and lacking closure, that day, asleep in your bed as you softly played balance and composure, i left myself too open, this thing im dying from, you could call it exposure. im tired of crying, and im tired of lashing out, im tired of not speaking, and im too tired to keep up the shout, im tired and i miss you, seeing you again... ive got some doubt, id gladly reconcile, shed the skin of who i was and am, become a man who is not selfish, stubborn but still gives a damn, but the days at the birches, i’ll never live them again... the nights i was distant i wish i could take it back... i was afraid you would leave me just like you did so i didnt want to cuddle or have sex... but right as i fall harder than ive ever fallen for a girl... you leave... i never thought you would leave... i thought you’d always stay by my side, and myself by yours... a simply phone call from you would open up so many doors... i want to fall asleep to a softly playing record while you do your makeup again... i want what i cannot have...  your so close... yet so far... here i am, inhaling cigarettes and choking on tar... crying your name at night... the world is so dark... and you were my light. i said and did some horrible shit... its not alright... but. for you... id still fight.  start from scratch, strangers who used to know eachother.... getting to know eachother again... if only... if only.... if only i had one wish...

never gonna see my cat again.  gotta face facts, she and i, are terrible people.  only difference is i wanted to make things better.  she... idk what motivated her.

loss

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8xWNyhMMY4

i still think of her. many times in a day. so many times... whether asleep or awake.

ive put myself back onto medication, mood stabilizers, im taking steps to be less selfish, little things that add up, im investing time into art, rather than politics, im not dating or looking for a relationship, working on myself, sex is off the table, as theres only one person i find attractive like that, self-injury is a relic in my past, i am cut free and thinking straight, i almost dont cry everyday, almost, im doing things for others, to think of them for a change, im maintaining a manager job quite well, owning my responsibilities, child support is again being paid and courts out of the way, i miss my kitten and i miss Kalee with all of my heart... that has not changed, nor will it.  she said we need to distance ourselves to work on ourselves... now i don’t know if she intended for those words to give me hope but they did. i just wish i knew how she was doing with her problems. i want to go on an adventure with that woman, i just want her to be ready, and willing.  to the mountains or to the city, holding hands, snapping photographs and making memories...  all of that lovey dovey shit that ive grown to love over time... i maybe a lot of things... self-centered, stubborn, overdramatic... but im not a liar, when i told her ‘im not moving on’... when i told her ‘i will always love you’, when i promised her i’d never leave her... i was not lying. its funny too, 2 years ago i entered a relationship i never expected too much from.  just some girl from joliet/ohio from okcupid...  and as hesitant as i was at first, time went on and i realized i could be myself more with this young lady than i could with my own best friends. in a short amount of time i began to feel closer to her than i was with anyone i had ever met in my entire life and the best part is that i never expected to fall in love.  her smile lit me up with butterflies, her laugh made me so happy, her personality was flawless, and she was gorgeous so gorgeous...  smart, pretty, funny, she had it all when it came to sociopolitical outlooks... i hope she is doing okay. i am doing better... but before i ever call her again...  i need to be sure i am better, and if she is not better yet... and if she would let me, maybe i could help her... love never turned me into this big of an idiot before. its a new feeling i guess...  not like ive ever done anything like this for anyone else. its different... thinking about somebody else for once, love never let me see the world so clearly before...  Leon, Kalee...  wherever you are, i’m getting better...  never give up hope.  -xxx-Life with you is a book, and we have only finished one chapter, our adventure could just be starting. Read with me.-xxx-

im not going to ‘change’.  i’ll always be me, she will always be her. the point is not to change, its to undergo a metamorphosis, and evolve into the person they truly hope to be. i hope to become a better person, a person worthy of her love. i still cant believe i fell so hard for her...

i am haunted by a simple thought... is she okay?  i wish i could hold her and know she is...