Hannah

i hate this

I love this

W h e e z e

why do parents bust in your room like they trynna catch you cheatin on them with another pair of parents

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

tell me this girl on Next straight up told america she would do anal for a second date

The older I get the more I realize lying is a waste of energy, its better to tell everyone the truth and let them be mad about it while you have a clear conscious 

I thought this said living was a waste of energy and was like amen

That too

*at an italian bar with an acoustic guitar*This ones for all my mama mias amd papa pia’s tonight

Slowly developing a crush for a fictional character like

(pours vodka into the pits of hell) for persephone

Hands down the funniest thing I have ever heard at college was overhearing the following sentence at a conference:

“I asked him what his pronouns were and he said ‘uh, PhD.’”

If you don’t think you’re special, then remember flowers can’t tell they smell really good

If you don’t think you’re special, then remember flowers can’t tell they smell really good

Does anyone else remember playing music in Windows Media Player and just sitting there and watching this for like two hours

i learned that there are fake towns and roads (known as “paper towns”) that mapmakers put in their maps, so that if someone makes a map which has one of these paper towns, they could know it’s a copy (x)

women get flak for having so many candles but like. what else is it socially acceptable and legal to light on fire after a long, stressful day

 I’m afraid of Americans

This is super real.

Completely accurate.

@pre-successful America exposed. 

It’s hilarious watching non-Americans react to this with fear because I read it just nodding along like “yes, in fact this is How Things Are, there you go”

If you ask an American how they are and they respond “Super.” that means they want to die

ACCURATE

If they say they’re peachy it means they’re tired of existence

If they say “Living the dream,” it means “please kill me, I hate my job so, so much.”

also “that’s a great question” means “I have no freaking idea”

if asked “how are things going?” and they reply “its going” it means theyre in the middle of a mental breakdown

asdfghjkls “it’s going” is how I respond 90 percent of the time

don’t call me out like this

So how do u kill your self without actually dying

Love someone who doesn’t love you back

me: *is a hoe but doesn’t get any action*

You thought it was over until you decided it’s not. One day you decided to put an end to everything and in that split moment, you decided No, you’re going to keep going because you know you are worth so much more. That’s what “;” stands for 

Get your ring here:  https://goo.gl/V6iTiU 👈🏼👈🏼

“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you, and the sentence is your life.“

To spread awareness, we decided to give away 300 our “Your Story Isn’t Over Yet” rings for ✨✨FREE✨✨ Just pay shipping and handling.

Get your ring here: https://goo.gl/V6iTiU 👈🏼👈🏼

Let this ring be a reminder of the good that you got through the bad and you’ll get through anything.