I’m so fat. I want to die.

I’m a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t be allowed to do anything because I CANT do anything. I suck at my job, I failed a test because I just didn’t study for it, I can’t maintain a schedule though I try and I try to write one down and stick to it, I can’t even sleep properly. I’m a fucking waste of space and I’ll never finish college. I’ll never teach. I’ll never lose any of this fucking weight. I’m stuck with this fucking mental illness for the rest of my life. I don’t want to exist because I know I’ll just fuck it up. I I just want to cut myself to make this pain go away. I am a god damn idiot. I need someone to hold my hand every step of the way because that’s the way it’s always been for me and I don’t know how to function without someone by my side. I can’t stand to be alone, even for an hour. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being poor. I’m tired of being stressed out. I’m tired of feeling left behind. I’m tired of seeing everyone I know succeed and have hobbies and lives while I sit in massive debt, accomplishing nothing.

What’s the fucking point anymore?

I only use tumblr when I’m single and sad. When I’m in a relationship, I don’t need it or use it. I wonder why that is? Maybe because that’s what I used to do when I was younger..to be honest, I’ve blocked out a lot of my past because I’m ashamed of it. But the memories I do retain will always be there.

But I’d always get lost into tumblr when I was sad. Maybe I associate this with depression and loneliness? I guess...

Oh well, you should know that I’m happy and having a good life.

I just want to fucking go out somewhere without having to worry that COVID is going to sneak up on me like a thief in the night. I want to see my friends. I really haven’t seen anyone in a year, I spend all day by myself at my house, and the only interaction with humans that I get is when I have a staff meeting online or going through the drive-thru at Starbucks. I’m fucking tired of waiting. I’m tired of being told how to live my life. I’m fucking over all of this.

No fucking shit, I’d stay safe if I could go out, but forcing me to only stay home while everyone else I know gets to LIVE is fucking pissing me off.

I can’t afford my own place, I can’t afford to go anywhere—not like I could anyway because “you have to wait”—and I’m stuck just doing fuck all. I’m going fucking crazy and everyone is just saying be patient. IVE BEEN PATIENT FOR OVER A GODDAMN YEAR. I actually LIKE being around people and cannot stand to watch one more FUCKING tv show. I never want to turn on my tv again. Fuck everything.