[ID: a twitter thread from @.aMadCartoonist. it reads:
The Beast: Who are you?
Beauty's brother: I'm one of Beauty's brothers. We're, like, the least consistent characters in this story.
TB: Can you break my curse?
BB: Nah, I don't have the narrative significance for that.
TB: oh
BB: I am also a monster fucker, though. TB: Oh.
My pitch: The Gigantic Mermaid.
It's the same basic story except she's seventy five feet tall.
I'm aware that this story probably exists somewhere on the internet.
Prince Guy: There's something familiar about that girl.
Where could I have seen her before?
Butler: AAAAAAAAAH An Enormous Monster Heaven Help Us All
Prince Guy: No, that's not it.
The ambivalent witch of the northeast. the maliciously ambivalent witch of the southeast.
Wicked Witch: Okay, so turning the prince into a beast I get, but why did you curse the rest of the castle? Enchantress: His entire household staff had furniture pun names! I couldn't help myself! It's Like They Were Asking For It.
Signed Storytime: Jack tried to find work but everyone said he was too stupid.
me: That seems harsh.
giant's wife: My husband loves to eat people. You better hide in this big cooking pot.
Jack: Can do!
me: oh
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe because Jack killing that giant really changed the nature of local real estate
Cinderella: Magic is real? Fuck going to the ball, I wanna learn magic!
Flora: I grant Aurora the gift of beauty. Fauna: I grant Aurora the gift of song.
Merryweather: I grant Aurora the gift of heat vision.
Maleficient: Well, well, well. What have we here? It seems my invitation w-
Merryweather: Aurora! Now!
Aurora: BZZZZORT
Beauty's dad: Please don't kill me! I have anywhere between 1-5 adult children to support!
The Beast: Are any of them monster fuckers? Beauty's dad: At least one of them is.
The Beast: Score.
Fairy Godmother: -and midnight all of my magic except the shoes will be undone.
Cinderella: Why not the shoes?
FG: I actually went to college to be a shoe making elf but then I realized that most of my credits transfer and fairy godmothers have a way higher starting salary.
C: oh /end thread]