I didn't want to fall in love, not at all. But at some point you smiled and, holy shit, I blew it.
-fallinginlove
This pain in my chest hurts so much.... and the worst part is that I am the one inflicting it on myself. Daying things I dont want to do just so I can mask the loneliness and insecurities. It after I just feel worse and worthless that when I started....
Depression
Its funny how you creep on me when my back is turned. My life goes day to day without any triggers yet here you are. I push through everyday, trying to make the best of every obstacle. I try to be strong and grow as a person. Im here building a life for me and my daughter, trying to show her that even when life is unfair that its possible to be happy and to push through anything when you have the right people on your side. Yet here I am on the verge of tears for no reason other than my lack of purpose in the world. That I fail at giving my daughter the life that she deserves. Im fat and have no style. I literally have no idea who I am. And due to the fact that I became a mother at the time that I did, and have to share this journey with a monster, Im found in a place that I start to hate myself. but how can I hate myself if I dont even know who I am. I have no chance to even find out who I am. I stuck at a job that I find mediocre. All my time off I spend at home with my child, whom I adore. Yet I feel that I want more. I want friends, and things to do other than errands regarding my boring life. I want to experience life and feel the sun on my skin without a care in the world. Yet Im stuck in this neverending circle of responsibilites that I didnt sign up. I knew what it meant to become a mother.... I just didnt realize I would end up so far from home, with no friends, no money, and no where in sight that I would get a break. because speaking realistically, when in the world do I get time to make friends? When do I even get the chance to experience life? (you may say take my kid to do things, but seriously where can I take her where I can 100% just relax and not have to deal with the world judging me) Where do I get the chance to date? To meet a decent guy and be able to enjoy life with him a little before he has to get serious with me beacsue Im already a mother? because Im not looking to just date. I want a soulmate. Someone that can be my best and lover.... I try to watch movies to get my mind off reality but I just wanna cry. I scroll through facebook and see everyones perfect lives while I sit on my couch as I do everyday for the past 2 years. I dont know what to do anymore the monster in my chest in throbbing and trying to break free... but I cant let it out. I cant let my daughter see me cry and get that bad. I cant tell my family because it will only turn into a game where they tell me how much worse it could be or how they have been through worse. Im trapped and I cant get out. I stare at my daughters face and its the only light I see... Yet she cant be my savior, only my reason to not give up. So rather than give in the depression and stay in bed everyday and turn my phone off. I just have to sleepwalk in life while the pain takes over me in the hope that it fades away someday soon. Hopefully before Im too old to remember what my life could have been....
“I feel myself shutting down, closing off, like I should tell people, ‘No, we don’t use this heart anymore. It’s too fragile.’”
— Courtney C. Stevens // The Lies About Truth
What is the point of building myself up again if I'm only going to break down easier the next time. Maybe I'm not meant to be fixed. You took too many pieces from my heart.
“I hope that the next time you’re happy, you won’t get so low when it’s gone. I hope you find something that heals your soul. I hope you trust the universe that it has a plan for your next smile. Because it does. You’ll see.”