home, or lack of.

entry #didn't keep count.

sept15', 22, 11:56 am.

everything has been feeling off; since yesterday actually but I chucked that as - caffeine withdrawal symptoms but it can't go on for this long.

i went for my usual morning walk and arrived at a realisation that... I'm at my house just about 99% of my week yet I never feel at home, I'm never really at peace. i even figured out the logic behind this reasoning and I shall explain.

when i was young; about 3 years old, my parents stopped being a prominent figure in my life and I guess from that day on I no longer had a mum or dad I just had a mother and a father that I would see for 5-10mins at most on weekdays. they wouldn't be at home from 3am til 12am... they only came home to sleep... i never had a mum or a dad; only two authoritative figures that'd stop me from doing all sorts of things; if I did those things they'd for sure be present; but only to physically punish me.

i did have some kind of parental figure; it was my aunts and uncles but even they didn't want me or my sister. we appeared to burden them and hence why my parents took me away from them after they complained... even though the house they were living in was my family's house... they took that away from my family and we could only be in there to sleep... i didn't even really eat there... i didn't have much in my house; it was there's...

after the bankruptcy; my aunts and uncles left- they didn't express any form of gratitude for allowing them to occupy the house for 7-8 years.

my parents, for the first time, were around since I was 3 years old, were at home... but they didn't know how to be parents, let alone to even behave like mum and dad.

however, after some time, my mum got used to the idea of what a mum is supposed to be; but when she did I had already grown up; almost embarking on my early adulthood years- it was just a lil' too late.

i'll admit; they were working day n' night to earn money so that my sister and I could go to one of the best primary schools in the country, but at what cost... if not just pure sorrow and continuously oppressed.

my mum didn't have a job for 2-3 years, and in those 2-3 years I finally felt at home... kind of... during that time; my dad was at home too- but he began working a year before my mum did.

but, whenever my parents were (still are) under the same roof, together, it never ends well; I prefer one of them to be present at home separated from the other; they don't work well together, so you could only imagine the number of arguments and abuse that went on during their post-bankruptcy period.

in 2017 my mum began working full-time, and since then I've only seen her a maximum of 5 mins a day... it has gone a full circle, and... now I am a person without a mum or a dad... only two mere parental figures living under the same roof as I am; but only this time I have a best friend, allow me to tell you about her.

she and i met almost 7 years ago, we had only gone extremely close since this year if imma be honest because my father wouldn't let me go anywhere; not even hang out with my cousins. he was controlling like that. he believed that as long as he says "no" to things, that he is being a dad... he thinks that is what a dad's role is supposed to be and I didn't want to get hurt by defying him and so I was trapped at home; not really allowed to grow the potential friendships I made at school.

anyways- so this year i finally got a car and have been able to see my best friend once a week- since uni is so crazy...

so whenever i go to hers; i finally feel like "i'm home", like i finally feel at peace; and i want that feeling to last for as long as it possibly can. her mum and her dad feel like parental figures to me; like my 2nd mum and my 2nd dad... and she feels like the sister that I've always wanted (I do have a younger sister but... she despises me... because I'm older and for being the 'favourite child' but she also has the same temper as my father; extremely short-tempered individuals).

it's odd, honestly, i'm always at my house and yet I never feel like I'm at home unless my mum is at home- which is very rare; or when I go over to my best friend's place, once a week.

my bedroom has been taken over by uni (studying all the time), my mum and even my father are never at home, my sister and I don't really get along... we're civil with one another, and I am just mentally exhausted all the time. there's no break, no free time, and my mental health is expeditiously declining.

i guess, in short, the majority of my week I am not at home and when I do get a lil feeling of being at home... because I'm so deprived of that feeling; I want more and more of it- however; I can't because uni, life and other things get in the way of me having something/someone to call home.

thursday; 15thsept, 2022 @ 12:38 pm.

anxious, confused, worried, scared.

21/12/21. i am so scared, like really scared- i got into an ivy league uni but through a different way and well it was doing a higher education thing for one year and then the way it was supposed to work was - get the required score and go on to the next year - it was a pathway to get into this ivy league uni. 

i got the required score but i did not know that i had to apply internally to actually get in and i’m so scared, everything - my present, future, my relationships with everyone is depending on this. 

i shouldn’t have lied ... i didn’t lie about the uni i was attending but i did lie about what course i was doing. i feel like this is karma. i am so fucking scared. no one is here to help me. i have no body helping me. i just feel so alone and i try to cry it all out but i am for some reason incapable to cry. i am very numb but i’m extremely scared. 

i can reapply (externally) on the 5/1/22 but i have to wait until february to find out if i got in or not... and that is just so fucking scary to me ... i can’t... i just... i need someone .... i don’t want to keep this in....

all my life i have struggled... for the most part and i just thought that ... that part of my life was over and that i could open up a new chapter but i guess not.

i can’t keep doing this anymore, man.... it hurts

i have lost control over my body, like i ain’t even doing anything different- it’s jus.... gone, i don’t know ... and i jus wanna break down and scream and cry and .... i .... need someone .... i have nobody that’s truly there for me and i don’t wanna be a burden on anybody. oh man.... why does it gotta hurt so fucking much.....

i’ve graduated high school

i can no longer see my friends every weekday, i lost...... him..... i, somehow, for some reason got out of shape and it’s jus...... irrational - i don’t even know how..... like what-

uni is tough, i don’t know how imma make it and it’s only the second day.

i jus wanna talk to him, it’ll make everything better, i bet.... like..... he makes my day 1000x better.... like when i was dealing with the whole bf and stalker thing, him jus talking to me .... made me forget anything and everything .... i’d lose sleep over this guy and usually i’d be like ‘ugh...... i should’ve slept early’ but... then with him, i’d jus smile.... even though i’d barely get four hours of sleep ....

bro, he had and has my heart, what the hell am i supposed to do.

also, i can literally feel the fat... on my body.... jus rolling up - ohmygod i’ve gotten fat for no logical reason @ all, it’s like i’ve got hypothyroidism or something ..... like it ain’t even me.... why do i gotta lose everything like right when he .... left me :(

apparently i was his fav person ... and now i’m nothing to him.

02/03/2021, 6:14pm AEST.

hi, i’m back.... it’s 08/02/2021, monday morning.

so... 29-15-13 .... i love him- i broke it off with 2514 ages ago, but it was after 291513(211) broke it off with me :/

because it was hurting other guys - seeing me and 211 together ... i never even got a chance to hear his side - he never even gave me an actual reason as to why he don’t wanna be with me no more, i miss him every single day. his laugh, his smile,... his voice, even when he pushed his hair back as he’s approaching me, and him holding my hand and using the excuse of me getting cold (since i do get cold very easily and i am known to be that person), and him and i hugging. but now, i can’t reach him, i can’t say anything to him because he blocked me before - when i was confused as to what had happened- why he had stopped talking to me and everything ... yk... but uh- turns out being with me was such a hassle because of the guys that liked/like me....

why couldn’t those guys jus keep their feelings to themselves when they clearly saw 211 and i getting closer n’ closer as the days go by (physically). I jus miss everything about him- and every single guy that hits me up or ... that *has* hmu, i’ve unintentionally compared that guy with 211, every.single.time. and idkh to stop it, i don’t do it on purpose or anything, it jus... sorta... happens .... yk- like... idekh to stop it, it still happens.

211 ... this guys.... has a hold on my heart that i can’t even break if i wanted to, and oh man, oh have i wanted to, i still want to, because loving him... hurts me... it physically and mentally hurts and drains the crap out of me, idekh i’ve made it this far, no joke- this guy made me feel so special.

211 was the type of guy that doesn’t have social media besides for reddit and discord - yes... a gamer guy, i fell for a gamer guy.... - he was/is great @ anything and everything he put his mind to ngl.... i ain’t even kidding, he is toxic to everybody, makes snarky comments to every one, makes fun of em... but then.... when it came to me.... he’d jus be the most sweetest, kindest soul, who only feels joy and love .... i was the only person who could make him feel so vulnerable and who’d get him to tell me anything and make him do anything .... we were perfect together..... i still believe he and i are meant to be yk... like on last.fm.... he and i have a strong compatibility lmao.... (of music), he and i enjoy the same music .... i jus love everything ‘bout him, man. also, i wasn’t the type of guy to fall for people easily, like.... the last time (before me) that he had feelings for somebody was in primary school...... we’re 18 turning 19 now... so that’s a very long time.... and also apparently he is a homophobe but like with me... twas cute —- like one time i was like ‘you’re gay’ and then he’s like... well- you must be a man then :)) lmao,,, and i have said that irl too- and he said the same thing then- it has happened a few times ngl... bro... i actually love him so much... i never saw a single flaw in him.

i generally haaaate long hair on guys but like.... i didn’t really care how he looked, i jus knew one thing which was, i wanted him.... i want him, he is the one i want ... no one else- and i still believe that, nothing will nor can change my mind about that.

he treated me with so much love and caution, he and i were 100% honest with eachother ... and no matter what it was, he and i promised each other that the other one wouldn’t take offence .... yk....

man, the first guy i love and ...

well he and i broke up

i can’t believe it, he just didn’t love me anymore and i am here crying my eyes out, listening to sad music my eyes are tearing up so much i can barely see my screen and i jus can not believe it.

my first heartbreak.

you know uhm today is the 31/03/2020, and he and i started dating on 31/12/2020 at 1:10am.

i hate love so much man, like i loved and still love him so fucking much i put so much effort into this relationship i snuck out, i lied, i’ve gotten caught but lied about it like man did so much for him and uh... i jus don’t know

i’m so heart broken, he stopped loving me ages ago and i could see that but i didn’t wanna accept it, he only wanted and wants me for sex and i want him for him and that is just so unfair.

he said it was okay for him to have crushes on other people, but what’s wrong is to talk to them or act on it but either way it’s betrayal towards the person your with. he doesn’t get that because i’ve never made him feel lesser than anyone and i’ve never made him have to compete with anybody.

he asked to call, to watch a movie today, he called, i answered, i heard his voice and no joke, every bit of me, internally, just shattered, i teared up and i had to lie and pretend i was fine, that i was good, everything was okay but no, nothing was okay.

he said for him to be able to love me again, he and i have to be friends first, back to the start, where it all began except ... he knows me this time- like how i really am.

i can’t believe it- i just, i really love him and it hurts everytime he msgs, everytime i think of him and hear his voice it jus is too much i can’t take it. due to the corona he and i can’t obviously see eachother for 3weeks-6months uhm... and i’m sure his fine with that, although he’ll miss the sex and pleasure out of it. i can’t believe it - i love him with my whole heart, his got my entire heart.... and i don’t have his, not anymore.

you know he used to wanna marry me, desperately, and he’d always ask “when can i see you” or ask when i’m free to see him and he and i would send eachother “good morning/night bestie💖💖💖” and sometimes @afternoons and i continued it for a week - ish after he stopped doing it, apparently it took too much effort to do that.... but that’s what made me happy and reminded he and i about the friendship side of things.

i’m glad that his in my life, but right now, i’m this moment at least- it hurts too much to even hear his voice and whenever the quarantine thing is over, and if nothing changes between he and i... i don’t think i’ll be able to see him, looking at him hurts, because all i want to do is be with him. in the present and future.

i can’t handle pain like this, i jus wanna overdose or something and this time i have nobody to stop me- cause nobody cares - he did, i used to have him. but not anymore. uhm yeah i officially have nobody to go to- and i haven’t felt more alone than i do right now.

i need someone- i thought i had someone and i guess i didn’t cause he doesn’t even care cause if he did then he wouldn’t get mad @my thoughts instead he’d be helpful.

i feel so stupid for ever thinking that he loved me. that i was loveable, his got his mum and dad and sister, his cousin and friends at the end of the day and i have no one, absolutely no one. i don’t like my family but he loves his therefore he has people.

i wish i had someone, for once.

my thoughts

31/03/2020, tuesday

12:47am.

well, probably sick of me, idk, this is just the place where i go when i have nowhere to turn to, no where to go.

anywaysss .... so i’ve never felt like i was enough, not good or smart enough until i met him... he made me feel like i was everything i thought i wasn’t

and i still kiiinda felt like that- but uhm, i jus found out that, he jerks off to other chicks/crushes if his... ofc he made me feel like shit because i judged him and made him feel bad about it but man, why... and when he asked me if i have any photos of any guys i said “you, i only have eyes for you” and his like lol lame but i’m just loyal, once i’m with someone i only got eyes for em, and around this time, last year he said the exact same thing and .. where did that guy go? like that guy that would only like me, not have any other crushes and ... uhm also, on top of all that his like “i only love you man” like what- how can you love me but have crushes on other girls??? i don’t get this, this is my first real, serious relationship and yeah

i don’t think he loves me

i asked him when is he loyal, and he said it’s only when his with me- so whatever he does when his not with me ... is unloyal things, i jus instantly got hurt when he said he had pictures that he jerks off to, of his crushes like wtf am i?

the reason why i don’t think he loves me is cause apparently i’m the only girl that wants him right, so if his crushes were to be single or taken an interest in him he’d for sure break it off with me and be with em, i can feel it.... and the way this relationship is headed... i honestly don’t feel like this is gonna last, jus i can’t even be honest whenever stuff like this happens because then an argument will start, i can’t show whenever i’m unhappy, i can’t have an opinion that’ll ruin his mood like, i honestly don’t feel like he and i are going to last, and i’m scared that he and i won’t last.

i jus was shocked when he told me ... because from my knowledge it was jus photos of me- but uhm, his got his crushes too; and... yeah.

it hurts, i’m hurting and he doesn’t even care, i jus - on one hand i want out, but i’m the one that would get hurt, not him- for him to get hurt, he’d need to care about me first...

he only wants me for sex, and i’ve asked him many times and he denies it, but 60% is him talking about sex and 40% is him and i arguing. i don’t think he and i are gonna last, because of how everything is right now....

he and i watched a movie (call) and i had to act happy, because he’d get mad.

you know he used to be inlove with me.... yeah, used to, i honestly don’t know what happened to that, but, i bet that’s around the time he stopped having eyes only for me, if he still does. and every month, i feel him jus distancing himself away from me and there’s nothing i can do about this and fuck, being in a relationship hurts. i honestly really hate how i feel right now.

11:59pm, 29/03/2020, Sunday.

my thoughts.

my thoughts. 26/03/2020,

10:29pm

i honestly feel like, i am annoying and a burden to everyone... i mean

he thinks i am annoying basically, my bf says i’m annoying, and my bio partner says yes when i asks if i’m annoying

so ... i am annoying

and i really dislike myself man.

like i actually hate myself ... so much.

and ... his been busy all day i ain’t aboutta jus reply back..

why am i always the last person to know what’s goin’ on....

even from my bf

- 26/03/2020, my thoughts

8:57pm

mate, i am so bored

watching this movie

but if i say it’s a bad movie he’ll get mad

but it’s fucking 2 hours and 9 minutes long

whyeee

23/03/2020. thoughts. 11:50pm

i jus need to get everything out, cause man, jus. wow.

so, he and i are different... or at least we were once pretty alike. i remember how he used to say that ever since he and i started dating he doesn’t like anyone @school, like the way looked, and ofc that made me happy because it made me feel special, and i remember how he’d say that i’m his ‘wife’ and all...: and i’m the type of person that doesn’t really like the whole marriage thing but idk, with him it jus made sense ya know, anyways, so when i’d talk about his and my future he’d say “well..::: what about your dad and cousin” or something like that-

i can actually feel it, he doesn’t and hasn’t felt the same for me as he once did, and idk what to do about it, it honestly feels like i’m just there for when his bored / has time to send a quick message but then has to do stuff ..... or fucking ignore my msgs for an hour or so and jus scroll on tiktok- like omg, anyways, but it jus also feels like i’m there to fulfil his sexual needs and it feels like that a lot.

he and i had a huge argument tho, and we kinda broke up, and i said “well do you wanna break up” because he really disliked/hated the person i have become apparently so he decided that he and i are best friends and reserved for the future... he and i are inclusive tho, jus i wish i could talk to him, i can’t do that anymore, anytime i do tho, like yesterday, he jus says “oh this is the bitch i remembered” or “why is she back” and stuff like that, just cause all i was saying was that his always busy, and he was saying that “well i won’t sit on my phone all day like a fgt” but i have strict parents, who are barely @home, i don’t communicate with my family so that’s exactly what i end up doing, so i said “well it’s not my fault your lucky” and stuff like that... cause honestly it isn’t, i don’t know what else to do...

yeah, well, i have a strong feeling that since i was the one that lost his virginity, that he has a connection with me or whatever and that’s why his still with me, that and also, the sexual stuff... i honestly, truely don’t think there’s any other reason.

he’s not all bad tho, just, i don’t think his staying with me for the right reasons. like he doesn’t need me or want me, he ignores my msgs, he jus lied to me saying he was asleep and i ruined it even tho he was jus active on insta? i know that cause i was jus gon send him a post cause he was active. he left me on read on imsg, he doesn’t really snap me.... like wtf am i still doing staying with him.... oh wait, he may not be inlove or love me but .... i love him. god dang it, i hate myself for that.... cause even after all this, he always makes everything back to me, like everything is my fault. and ... i still fucking love him.... wtf man.

like i know that if i was gone or he and i stopped being together, he wouldn’t care or get affected, oh besides the sex....

i jus miss how things used to be... it was better, and i just, i miss it, and i don’t think things will go back to how things were.

cause right now, when he talks to me, i honestly don’t feel any passion or whatever coming from his side....

and i can’t tell him anything i know he wouldn’t wanna hear cause that’ll start an argument. i jus, you see why i needed to jus write up all this, fuck, i hate myself so much. oh and

another thing, he knows how i feel about him talking about how other chicks are hot, yet he does it anyways, and i’d always show that i’m down, unintentionally tho cause i’d say “yeah i’m good, don’t worry” or whatever ... but today, he said that i looked like this chick, but man. she is way hotter, like i’m ugly asf, i mean, i hate how i look, oh and yesterday we were talking about birthdays and margot robbie has the same bday as me, and his like “margot robbie has the same birthday” and i’m like “yes she does” his then like “she’s :)))” meaning she’s hot, and also, i was diagnosed with body dysmorphia, eating disorder, anorexia. it jus shows that i really hate myself, he knows that, yet he does it, he says that it’s okay, but man, i don’t do that to him i feel like i should be treated like that too...: i don’t constantly show him or tell him about the people that are good looking, mainly cause i only find him good looking but uhm... he finds others good looking, hot, sexy, attractive....

i jus, i don’t know what i should do... because i am so stuck, i don’t wanna break up with him because it’ll hurt me more than it hurts him..

oh and another thing, i do so much for him, pay for uber rides- to and from his house it’s like $20 per week and he doesn’t even pay a dollar - i pay em, and i risk my own safety just to be with him yet he can’t seem to like ride to my house or something because it’s too far, like wtf man which means i walk 30mins- whenever i don’t uber....

jus what the hell am i going to do ... i can’t tell him any of this, not even a single bit, because since he and i are best friends & reserved for the future- means i gotta act like everything is fine- like how i used to be before he and i dated .... ngl, since his fallen outta love with me, he wouldn’t care.

but man, when he and i are together that’s when he pays somewhat attention and yeah, but then most of the time he and i aren’t together so... yeah- i just don’t know. and i’m hurting and i have no one, i used to have someone who i could talk to and now i’m left with no one at all... yet again, i’m not surprised at all... like i was surprised i had someone for three-four months-ish...

anyways... those are just the things in my mind rn, and i just am confused so please do help, i have no one who can help me.

omfg

07/03/2020

so, anything he does it’s okay, his the victim i’m wrong and his right

but then somehow again, when i do something his right and i’m wrong again, he plays the victim

like if he did something say, he was busy for a few hours and with no explanation and would leave in the middle of the convo i’d just have to be okay with it cause if i’m not then he’ll jus get mad and msg me angrily saying how i’m a bad person

so when i am busy for 30mins - an hour and he knows exactly what i’m doing, i’m at the shops. and i’m texting him, so apparently ... that’s still my fault? because he gave me a ‘deadline’ of when i should be at home to call- and somehow in all of this. it’s still my fault.

oh and apparently his allowed to get cut and mad but i’m not cause if i am, then i’m a bad person.

- 10:51pm