If I can recommend you do 1 low-effort thing for the love of God it is this:

Keep 5 cards in your pocket. One will say "yes", the second will say "no."

If you lose your voice, or lose speech, or want to make a dramatic embellishment at the right time, it is an elegant and efficient solution that is right there at hand.

But what if people question you from there? "Why do you have that card? Why would you do this? How long have you had that in your pocket?" For this, or whatever else they say, the third card: "I don't have a card for that."

"What the fuck," they ask. They laugh. They are bemused. You bring the energy back down with the fourth card: "I have laryngitis. I've lost speech. My throat hurts". Whatever you expect to occur.

The joke is over. Rule of threes. Now they are curious. They wonder about logistics. "How did you know I would say that? Is everyone so predictable?"

As a three-part bit, nobody ever sees the fifth card coming.

"I have powerful wizard magics."

Gets them every time

I ran an Aliens rpg years back. But the players didn't KNOW it was an Aliens game until halfway through the first session.

They thought it was a sci-fi game but they also thought the monsters were going to be zombies.

Over a period of 2 hours they then proceeded to make EVERY Aliens movie cliche "mistake" known to man. Because at the time they all made sense.

The characters in a story don't know they're in a story or what kind of story it is.

They might think their in a romcom instead of a slasher movie. And if you're not in a slasher movie, why the fuck would you search through every closet in your house just because a cup mysteriously fell off a table in the dining room?

i thought my laptop was on its last leg because it was running at six billion degrees and using 100% disk space at all times and then i turned off shadows and some other windows effects and it was immediately cured. i just did the same to my roommate's computer and its performance issues were also immediately cured. okay. i guess.

so i guess if you have creaky freezy windows 10/11 try searching "advanced system settings", go to performance settings, and uncheck "show shadows under windows" and anything else you don't want. hope that helps someone else.

hey this is apparently helping a lot of people! adding that on top of this you can also go to settings > personalization > colors and turn off transparency to also boost performance. this wasn't the Big Fix for me but might as well do that too if you're trying to optimize.

past a certain note threshold on tumblr posts you unlock a bloodborne-esque insight and the strange lives of this site's users become visible to you

(x)

we fucking found them?

it’s that time of year folks

i heard that guy doesn't have a library card let's kill him

JUST SAW A FED-EX DRIVER JUMP OUR OF HIS TRUCK AT A REDLIGHT AND RUN UP TO A SECOND FED-EX TRUCK (THREE CARS AHEAD) AND THE GUY LEANED OUT AND THEY JUST KISSED ON THE LIPS? HELLO?

sent an email without exclamation points #mean #meanie #meancore #evilgirl #hurtingyou #indifferent #gayandrude

The concept of abortion does not exist in soap operas. "Oh no it'll ruin my life if they find out I'm carrying the child of my boyfriend's evil uncle" girl kill that thing

This is much, much funnier today than it was two weeks ago.

everyone's masc til they have to put on the customer service voice

We should normalize saying 'death to America'. It should be a greeting. It should be a prayer we said everyday.

some of you guys are so fucking 19 years old. i wish you well but god have mercy on your souls

I put “no hookups, no communists” in my Tinder profile. I haven’t been getting any matches so there must either be a bunch of sluts around me of a bunch of godless reds.

this is literally the funniest post on here

every time i ask people if they do any new years resolutions its all ooooo i dont like making them bc i fail or ohhhhh no i couldnt keep up wiht that and then when they ask me and i tell them about Pasta Quest (i am eating as many different pasta shapes as possible in the space of a year) or when i did Fruit Adventures (every time i saw a fruit i had never eaten before id get one and eat it and read the wikipedia article about it) theyre like hang on i forgot you can make Fun Ones i want a fun one

A couple years ago I made the resolution to start using stickers instead of hoarding them. I still have a sticker collection, but it’s brought much joy into my life to be relieved of the burden of finding The Perfect Spot for every sticker.

Boycotting is literally a non-action, if you can't handle not buying things, you're just a weak person...

"some of us can't afford to boycott McDonald's" .... It costs $20 to get McDonald's nowadays...they no longer have a value menu... As a bitch who cannot afford to eat most days/can't cook due to disability... E FUCKING NOUGH. Go to a local restaurant, pick ANOTHER fast food place, like enough! Enough!

This is what happens when you’re still on tumblr as an adult, you start reblogging shit like this

this is a poem to me