only i must wander, pt. 5
content warning: gun violence, government conspiracies, implied racialized violence against black children, child endangerment, and references to impact play
Sleep did not come for Steve that night, too outweighed by guilt and failure to find him. He rattled around his empty house, waiting for it to come, and instead found only the spiral of his own thoughts. It was stupid to dwell on it, he tried to tell himself, the way it had been stupid to dwell on Barb. There was nothing to be done to change it, no way to go back in time and stop it, so why was he agonizing over it like it was a problem he could actually solve? It was just causing himself unnecessary heartache. He knew that. It didn't make it any easier to stop.
It was worse doing it alone. Having Nancy around had been a little easier, although Steve didn't know if it was because seeing her tearing herself apart made his own mind a little clearer, or because he simply let her take over all the thinking. Neither was a very flattering reason, he was afraid. Now, he felt even more useless than he had then, when all Steve could do to comfort anyone was make stupid jokes at the dinner table. That, at least, had been well-meaning. What the fuck had he been doing the past few days?
Really, it had been his own fault for believing he could change things. Realizing he wasn't human had given Steve too much confidence-- He had never been a good person, Steve knew that, but there was almost some hope in him that maybe he could be a good Wesen. Which was ridiculous, of course. He should have left those kids alone. He should have never let Dustin and Robin convince him that he was needed. He should have known that he wasn't meant to be the hero.
Maybe that was why he had always bucked against the idea. What had he been thinking, letting himself pretend that it was because he didn't want to hurt someone? Everyone knew Steve Harrington didn't have any real morals; He would do anything for a smile or a warm touch. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, Steve had just already known he would fuck being a Grimm up like he had everything else.
It was hard to think about anything else.
