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all i did was steal some bread

@grand-theft-carbohydrates

side blog of its-not-a-pen 
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grand-theft-carbohydrates

[Extract: In which Cao Cao bets on the wrong horse]

“Why were you so late, Mengde?” Dong Zhuo said heartily, "it was mighty rude of you to keep this old man waiting."

“It’s my horse, Your Excellency, he’s getting on in years.” Cao Cao sighed, ducking his head in feigned embarrassment. “I can barely get him to walk, much less gallop.”

“That won’t do!” cried Dong Zhuo, “how could the former calvary captain be without a good steed?” 

“I…well…my budget…” Cao Cao watched Lu Bu out of the corner of his eye, and was pleased to see the young man was smirking. Everything was going according to plan, so far.  

#my writing#san guo#i hope it doesn't come across as jarring#but i like to write cao cao as someone who is VERY good at compartmentalising. what he feels and what he thinks are often very different#almost contradictory.
grand-theft-carbohydrates
romanceyourdemons
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grand-theft-carbohydrates

really love the concept of being a character's defence attorney as opposed to an apologist. yes, my fav did EVERYTHING wrong and im about to give them the best legal defence money can buy.

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grand-theft-carbohydrates
pilferingapples
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hedgehog-moss

The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:

  • the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”
  • That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”
  • oh, that hurt
  • I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots
  • the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life
  • on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious
  • I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was
  • The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”
  • God.
  • for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again
  • it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”
#i guess u could call this ...french pain#lmao
grand-theft-carbohydrates

[insert number] day as an early third century warlord and due to a bizarre coincidence of homophones, two thousand years after your death, your language has evolved so that your name has become 1/2 of a swear word.

Oh the irony. you who loved other people's mothers/wives

...also while i'm here.....

if i ever wrote a san guo inspired book i'd have the funniest joke possible for Lord Cao's Terrible Defeat at Chibi...but i don't know if i have the strength to do it.

#what am i saying of course id do it#san guo#i was looking at innuendos + insults in chinese and some of them are ...poetic#favourite ones: Five Fighting One (masturbation)#Evaluating the Jade (muff diving)#Princess of Peace (flat chested girl) peace has a duel meaning for “very flat”.#and of course the all time winner: Fuck Your Forefathers to the 18th Generation...its SO damn specific + has the right amount of vulgarity#hits 'em where it hurts (confucianism n filial piety) + what a BIG flex in stamina. if i saw that in person i wouldn't even be mad i'd#get a cheer squad going and bring them orange slices at half time.
grand-theft-carbohydrates

[extract: cao cao is bisexual dot jpeg] “Ah, Cao Mengde is here!” Dong Zhuo exclaimed, “son, this is the promising young fellow I was telling you about.” 

“Oh, so this is he?” Lu Bu murmured, making a show of looking him over. He stalked a languid circle around Cao Cao, his fingers tapping leisurely on the jewelled pommel of his sword. He wore soft-toed riding boots, and his gait was unnervingly quiet, reminiscent of a leopard Cao Cao had seen once in a menagerie. All that coiled, deadly strength, trapped in a too-small cage. His voice, likewise was a low, throaty, growl as he remarked lazily, “the honour is mine, to be sure.” 

“Tales of your valor echo far and wide, General Fengxian,” Cao Cao made a show of being star-struck—not that he needed to try particularly hard. Call it a foible, but he found handsome, arrogant men as impressive as they were annoying. “As the saying goes; ‘amongst men, Lu Bu has no equal. Amongst horses, Red Hare.’” 

Lu Bu preened “so they’ve been talking about me behind my back, have they?” 

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it!” Cao Cao enthused. Greedy Back-stabber, Wandering Demon, Bastard-with-three-fathers —and those were some of the more pleasant ones. ---------- notes: - main inspiration for this was sima qian's writing. ancient china had this very matter-of-fact, almost refreshingly non-judgemental attitude towards homosexuality and/or male-male sexuality. and idk. i guess it's nice knowing history isn't about linear progress, different time periods can surprise you. - it's kind of refreshing to read stuff like "yeah so the court came togather and brutally assassinated the emperor's male lover. not bc we're homophobic btw (most of us have tried to dress like the guy just to get the emperor's attention), but it was bc he was amassing too much political influence" - diversity win! i guess! - my characterisation isn't so much as "who is gay/bisexual" but rather "this is the han dynasty, guys, and we're spending 80% of our time in the army. who amongst us HASN'T had a homoerotic experience?"

#romance of the three kingdoms#my writing#cao cao#lu bu#ur here to kill dong zhuo u absolute clown. u buffoon. get ur head in the game STOP oggling at lu bu 's sword
grand-theft-carbohydrates

reverse isekai anime where a hapless grad student accidentally summons early 3rd century warlord cao cao to write her essay. his plans for world domination go nowhere bc he's stuck in new zealand and can't get a visa (only have mastercard) and all his attempts at political hegemony fail because the bus timetables are so unreliable all his political rallies get canceled. he made the mistake of driving on the harbour bridge between 8am-5pm ONE TIME and it dealt him unimaginable psychological damage and totally crushed his spirit. they do panadol and start proxy wars at the university magazine. season finale ends in a bloody showdown at the local pak n save because he got into a very inappropriate relationship with her mother.

#working title: cao your mother#why tf did you summon cao cao ur a bio major#well i was hoping he'd help me draft a letter for my prof to get an extension and one thing led to the other and now im the uni chancellor#ya boy kongming#cao cao#romance of the three kingdoms
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grand-theft-carbohydrates

[here's a joke i cut out of my 3 Kingdoms fic, thought yall might enjoy it]

"What's this story about war and plums?" Liu Bei asked, "sounds interesting." "Oh, just an amusing trifle." Cao Cao replied "Shall I tell it?" "I'm all ears!"

“Two years ago on this very month, our supply lines were routed and my men were forced to march many li without food or water. After two days of this hardship, their throats became parched and their spirits low. Listlessness and disorder began to spread throughout the ranks. To motivate them, I pretended to sight an orchard of plums from atop my horse and promised them fruit and water aplenty when we reached it.” He had also threatened to behead anyone caught deserting—along with two other men selected at random from the same squadron. It put a swift stop to the whinging, and the soldiers kept a close, paranoid, eye on each other, after that. 

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back at it with the va, thought i'd hash out their voices. I actually headcanon cao cao as having a very deep, strong voice, but for the sake dialogue clarity i decided to make him a posh git instead. liu bei on the other hand hails from the famous chinese city of...auckland?

#my va#art imitates life ig