kevin is ready to fight anyone who doesn’t appreciate his husband 😍💞

+

Ryan Coogler vs. Joss Whedon

@indigopersei is the french language just always on the verge of getting someone accused of assault or..?

my friend, if only you knew

It’s a very dangerous language to learn

Here’s an interesting thing about French! Everything needs to have an article in front of it. That’s why it’s “la chat” as opposed to just “chat”. So, for instance, you could say la fille for the girl, or jeune fille for young girl, but you can’t just say fille, because that means you are calling her a sex worker in a derogatory way.

The moral of the story is, if you want to make something rude in French, just take out the article in front of it. Yes, this works for nearly. every. word.

#now I’m wondering how often my high school french teacher was silently screaming because of this little fact

Every year. Every year there’s that kid who forgets that you can’t translate “I am excited” to “Je suis excitée”. And every year Monsieur Jordan has to slam the brakes before that kid can finish his sentence and then tactfully ask him not to announce to the class that he is horny.

“is the french language always on the verge” oh buddy, oh pal, i am so happy to break this news to you: 

truly the language of love

the contrabass saxophone is such an absurd instrument

talk dirty to me

Have ya’ll seen the double contrabass flute before???

reblogging my own post because what in the fuck

i give you the contrabass tuba. Why is it real. I dont know.

Know what’s even better?

HYPERBASS FLUTE

my counter:

piccolo trombone 

fucking what

This is the instrument version of when two inappropriately disproportionate dog breeds have puppies.

big oldie on tumblr mood

why must you call me out like this in my own home

Let’s be honest. We’re all here because posts are still in chronological order.

It’s that time of the year again :)

can anybody find me….. somebody to dust

THERE WAS A SONG

RIGHT THERE FOR YOU WITH DUST IN THE TITLE

AND YET

That’s it, that’s the show.

Imagine typing out this letter and not stopping halfway and thinking “Hmmm, this makes me sound like the worst human being in the world.”

Holy fucking shit

Some of these old people are so fucking awful.

Gift etiquette?!?!

God I love Prudie.

Can you IMAGINE. A fucking BEDSPREAD. Can you imagine the TIME and EFFORT and SKILL that… Oh my GOD. Yeah I bet she’s acting cold!

As my roommate just remarked, everyone should learn a handicraft so when they receive a lovely handmade gift they have at least the first clue as to how much time and effort is required.

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.

“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!” “Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”

“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”

Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”

Am I the only one that remembers that episode of the X-Files?

When your grammar is correct but spell-check still gives you shit. 

Fuck you I’ll reblog it cuz it’s an elephant strawberry I need no other reason

incorrect marvel quotes (x)

Why "doing something relaxing” does not help your anxiety

A lot of the time when people give advice intended to relieve anxiety, they suggest doing “relaxing” things like drawing, painting, knitting, taking a bubble bath, coloring in one of those zen coloring books, or watching glitter settle to the bottom of a jar.

This advice is always well-intentioned, and I’m not here to diss people who either give it or who benefit from it. But it has never, ever done shit for me, and this is because it goes about resolving anxiety in the completely wrong way.  

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when suffering from anxiety is to do a “relaxing” thing that just enables your mind to dwell and obsess more on the thing that’s bothering you. You need to ESCAPE from the dwelling and the obsession in order to experience relief.

You can drive to a quiet farm, drive to the beach, drive to a park, or anywhere else, but as someone who has tried it all many, many times, trust me–it’s a waste of gas. You will just end up still sad and stressed, only with sand on your butt. You can’t physically escape your sadness. Your sadness is inside of you. To escape, you need to give your brain something to play with for a while until you can approach the issue with a healthier frame of mind. 

People who have anxiety do not need more time to contemplate, because we will use it to contemplate how much we suck.

In fact, you could say that’s what anxiety is–hyper-contemplating. When we let our minds run free, they run straight into the thorn bushes. Our minds are already running, and they need to be controlled. They need to be given something to do, or they’ll destroy everything, just like an overactive husky dog ripping up all the furniture. 

Therefore, I present to you: 

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN ANXIOUS

–Go on a walk

–Watch a sunset, watch fish in an aquarium, watch glitter, etc.

–Go anywhere where the main activity is sitting and watching

–Draw, color, do anything that occupies the hands and not the mind

–Do yoga, jog, go fishing, or anything that lets you mentally drift 

–Do literally ANYTHING that gives you great amounts of mental space to obsess and dwell on things.

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHEN ANXIOUS:

–Do a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, or any other mind teaser game. Crosswords are the best.

–Write something. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. Write the Top 10 Best Restaurants in My City. Rank celebrities according to Best Smile. Write some dumb Legolas fanfiction and rip it up when you’re done. It’s not for publication, it’s a relief exercise that only you will see. 

–Read something, watch TV, or watch a movie–as long as it’s engrossing. Don’t watch anything which you can run as background noise (like, off the top of my head, Say Yes to The Dress.) As weird as it seems, American Horror Story actually helps me a lot, because it sucks me in. 

–Masturbate. Yes, I’m serious. Your mind has to concentrate on the mini-movie it’s running. It can’t run Sexy Titillating Things and All The Things That are Bothering Me at the same time. (…I hope. If it can, then…ignore this one.) 

–Do math problems—literally, google “algebra problems worksheet” and solve them. If you haven’t done math since 7th grade this will really help you. I don’t mean with math, I mean with the anxiety. 

–Play a game or a sport with someone that requires great mental concentration. Working with 5 people to get a ball over a net is a challenge which will require your brain to turn off the Sadness Channel. 

–Play a video game, as long as it’s not something like candy crush or Tetris that’s mindless. 

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO DURING PANIC ATTACKS ESPECIALLY:

–List the capitals of all the U.S. states

–List the capitals of all the European countries

–List all the shapes you can see. Or all the colors. 

–List all the blonde celebrities you can think of.

–Pull up a random block of text and count all the As in it, or Es or whatever.  

Now obviously, I am not a doctor. I am just an anxious person who has tried almost everything to help myself.  I’ve finally realized that the stuff people recommend never works because this is a disorder that thrives on free time and free mental space. When I do the stuff I listed above, I can breathe again. And I hope it helps someone here too. 

(Now this shouldn’t have to be said but if the “do nots” work for you then by all means do them. They’ve just never worked for me.)

This would’ve been great an hour ago

This is good advice for anxious peeps and peeps with anxious friends. Seems obvious now but I hadn’t thought about it this way before.

For real, this is the greatest advice I’ve ever seen concerning aniexty

Walking is actually very helpful for me. It sort of tricks my body to thinking there’s a reason my heart rate is up, which helps break spiraling thoughts. I can focus on the current moment rather than the future, and according to my therapist there’s some evidence that coordinating movement on both sides of the body helps engage the parasympathetic nervous system.

Calming activities are good as general exercises, but in the midst of panic, I need DISTRACTION, either physical or mental. Sudoku and other logic puzzles are good, I’ve even been known to do long division by hand if I can’t get out for a walk. Also grounding exercises work well for moving my thoughts from what-might-happen to what-is-happening.

Basically, find what works for you. Lots of shit WON’T work, but something will. It can get better, I promise.

If I were to make a super scientific hypothesis as an expert in the totally real field of corgi psychology…

I would say the chances of this furry fella actually being too tired to climb those stairs are about 3%. 

Which means there is a 94% chance he was just being a manipulative, lazy motherfloofer. 

There is also an 8% chance my scientific percentages won’t add up to 100.

Corgis are masters of what I call the “stop-and-plop.” 

During certain physical activities that corgis have become bored with or just don’t want to do (because life is hard)… they will feign exhaustion and dramatically hrumph onto the ground. Even with leash tugging and gentle foot prodding they will refuse to take another step. Advanced stop-and-ploppers may even roll onto their back exposing their bellies–further indicating their “doneness.”  

Thus begins a battle of wills. 

Can the human outlast the stubborn corgi and wait until they are willing to continue walking?

No. 

This has never been achieved. 

You must gather your stumpy companion in your arms and carry them to the destination. 

Some humans will even take precautions for this eventuality. 

Once you are home and exhausted from carrying your corgi, you might find yourself stopping and plopping onto the comfiest furniture you own. That’s when your “wayyyy too tired to take another single step” corgi will bring you a toy and beg you to play with them. 

This is an alpha display to let you know you have been manipulated and any sense that you were in charge was actually an illusion.

I submit the very last frame of the above video as evidence. 

Diabolical.