Halloween, but make it Gay | Seasonal SPEEDPAINT

MORE ART ON MY DA // MORE SPEEDPAINTS ON MY CHANNEL (<– links in my blog header ^^)

financial goals: bathtub that’s deep enough for me to be 100% fully submerged; preferably one of those triangle corner ones. Also maybe being debt free but the tub comes first

me, 8 years old, sitting in the largest bathtub that they have on display in the Home Depot:

this is the problem with privately owned pharmaceuticals. A “business decision” means companies will just stop producing life saving medicine. children will die. Because of human greed it’s as simple as that.

Sometimes I feel like I wandered into a sitcom with a laugh track plays at random, inscrutable times. Or maybe an alien that studied humanity and has a 95% understanding of Earth culture but that remaining 5% is enough to get them in trouble.

Last week I ordered a sandwich. The jovial man at the deli asked if I’d like a pickle with that. Attempting to match his casual, lighthearted demeanor, I said, “Yeah, sure. It’s a pickle kind of day.” He laughed. He kept laughing.

“Is it?” he wheezed.

“Yes,” I said, and attempted to mask my bewilderment at his amusement with another joke. “I woke up this morning and had a prophetic vision: before me sat my lunch, and with it was a deli pickle. It was fate.”

He laughed again and called his coworkers over to tell them that I had just said “it’s a pickle kind of day”. I shrugged it off and ate my lunch.

I just ordered another sandwich and as soon as he saw me approach, he waved a new woman over and said, “This is the pickle kid.” She looked at me and laughed.

“Repeat what you said about the pickle,” she said.

“No!” said the deli guy. “No no no no, don’t you repeat that out loud. Oh my god.”

“I have no idea what I said that was so funny,” I said.

“Sure you do,” he said. “Don’t play. You ‘don’t remember’ what you said about the pickle?”

“What, about the prophet vision, or about it being ‘a pickle kind of day’?”

They both doubled over and howled with laughter, staring at me incredulously. I felt lost. Have I somehow violated some bizarre cultural expectation? Some taboo? Am I invoking a meme I’ve never heard about? He acted like ‘a pickle sort of day’ was the most outrageous string of words he’d ever heard spoken aloud and spent a week telling his coworkers about me.

As I am a sapient living creature capable of imposing my will upon the universe through action, I have decided to have my revenge upon the deli man. I will conspire with my coworkers to make sure that all of us tell him “it’s a pickle sort of day” each time we order a sandwich. He will not escape the Pickle Day; lunchtime will strike him with his reckoning.

This is like when I was in high school and one of my classmates had a banana. I looked over and was like, “Danggg that is an ENORMOUS banana!” and everyone around me broke out laughing. I still don’t get what was so funny about that, 10 years later....

as a general rule its always a fucking phallic joke and if a thing is longer than it is wide never acknowledge the thing or you wont know peace, is what ive learned

If that’s it, if THAT’S why he thought it was so funny, then perhaps I should lean into it.

Next time he asks me if I want a pickle, I’ll say yes, but only if he cuts it in half... I like my pickles like I like my sandwiches; sliced in twain with a sharp but clean knife.

Justin’s (at the time) 2-year-old daughter decides to fight the moon

Justin: What about–?

Charlie: Fire is hot.

Justin: Fire is hot, that’s a great point. Salient and well-made.

Charlie: [singing] Mister sun, sun! Mister golden sun, please shine down on me!

Justin: Oh, the sun. [Charlie sings the same lines again] What do you think about the sun?

Charlie: It’s shining bright!

Justin: Mm-hmm. When does the sun come out?

Charlie: First–it–lights up the day!

Justin: And when does the moon come out?

Charlie: It’s at night.

Justin: What happens when the moon comes out during the day? [long pause] Now, I noticed you’re balling your fists up. What is that for?

Charlie: [long, high-pitched noise of consideration] Punch it!

Justin: You’re gonna punch the moon. [Charlie: Yeah!] Why?

Charlie: Because we’re knights!

Justin: We’re knights? [Charlie: Yeah.] Okay.

Charlie: Come on, Daddy, let’s fight the moon! [muffling sounds as she gets down]

Justin: Well. Um, I’m not sure we should fight the moon. It’s a very long way away. I’m–would– [Charlie babbles about the moon in the distance] Where’s the moon? Okay, she’s left the room. [Charlie makes punching sound effects in the distance] [Justin starts laughing] Can you punch the moon here, in the room with the microphone?

Charlie: [at a distance] Come on, Mommy!

Justin: Well, I guess that’s gonna do it for us. Um, is there anything else you’d like to say?

Charlie: Um…well. Look! Up there!

Justin: What do you see?

Charlie: On the bookshelf! [Justin: Uh-huh?] Look. There’s a present up there!

Justin: There’s a present up there? I don’t think so.

Charlie: Who is it?

Justin: You’re just…taking your headphones off now. Oh no, they’re falling apart. Okay, well let’s say goodbye. Say “bye-bye, Mommy.”

Charlie: Bye-bye, Mommy.

Sydnee: [at a slight distance] Bye-bye!

Charlie: Uh, that was a great podcast we did! Bye-bye, Daddy!

Justin: [laughing] Bye-bye, Charlie.

Charlie: We’re gonna punch the moon! [Justin bursts into laughter]

i’m all for ghosts who are nervous about their first haunting but i’m also all for ghosts on their millionth haunting who are just showing up for the paycheck at this point

“you’re on big house in the woods duty again charlie” “ugh. let me guess. suburban white family. the dad’s all “this move is good for us”.“ “yep” “listen i’m just gonna slam all the doors really fucking loudly and shout boo”

i’m intrigued by this post. by saying the ghosts r “just showing up for the paycheck” are u implying that ghosts are paid for hauntings? do ghosts have to work for a living? are u implying the existence of ghost capitalism? because honestly if i get to the afterlife and there’s ghost capitalism i’m gonna be so fuckin mad

do you ever think about how the series of events that lead to Dumbledore’s death in HBP was literally set into motion by Oliver Wood’s passion for Quidditch

okay but literally I can’t stop thinking about this -

it is of course possible that Draco would have gotten the Death Eaters into the school some other way if the Vanishing Cabinet hadn’t created the perfect opportunity, but it wasn’t looking likely.

so like, it’s reasonable enough to assume that Dumbledore’s death (at the hands of Snape specifically, obviously I know he was going to die soon enough from the curse, but the timing does make a difference so I’m still focused on this) occurred because of the Death Eaters getting into the school. the reason the Death Eaters were able to get into the school was because of the Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement, which Draco repaired.

the Vanishing Cabinet ended up in the Room of Requirement over the summer of 1996, presumably (reasoning for this is in the next paragraph), and Draco discovered it there sometime in his 6th year. but the only reason he had even known what it was, and what it could do, was because he had spoken with….

Graham Montague, a Slytherin who was in 7th year in 1995-1996 (when Harry & co were in 5th year). Montague was shoved into the Vanishing Cabinet in that year by Fred and George Weasley, because he was a part of the Inquisitorial Squad and was presumably about to take points from the Weasley twins for doing something disruptive. and we know that Montague got stuck in a limbo between the two connected cabinets, due to one of them being broken - he could hear things being discussed in Borgin & Burkes, which is how he was able to let Malfoy know that the other “end of the tunnel”, or basically the other cabinet, was in Borgin & Burkes (which, Draco would already have seen as a 12-year-old, in the summer before his 2nd year, when he visited the shop with his father - fun fact, Harry hid in that exact cabinet while Lucius Malfoy was transacting with Borgin).

Montague would never have had this experience at all if the cabinet hadn’t been broken in the first place. but in fact, we know exactly how, when, why, and by whom the cabinet was broken.

it was in the fall of 1992, when Nearly Headless Nick observed that Harry had gotten in trouble with Filch, and prompted Peeves to drop that very same cabinet from a large height in order to cause a distraction for Filch, allowing Harry to get out of trouble.

why was Harry in trouble in the first place? because he was “tracking mud” in the corridors.

why was he tracking mud in the corridors? because Oliver Wood had had him out on the Quidditch pitch all day even though it had been literally storming outside. so Harry came into the castle drenched and splattered with mud.

Dumbledore literally died because of how obsessed Oliver Wood was with winning the Quidditch Cup.

thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

sorry, one more thing - people keep reblogging this with tags that imply they think that this is like a “headcanon” or just “plausible” and while I get why you would think that, I need you to really understand how canonical this is because it’s Very canonical which is Ridiculous

to clarify:

the bits about the Vanishing Cabinet being the only real way he had to get the Death Eaters in, having heard about it from Montague and how that made him realize he could use them as a passage, etc - that was all clearly laid out in HBP, chapter 27 (The Lightning-Struck Tower).

Montague being shoved into the cabinet takes place in OOTP, chapter 28 (Snape’s Worst Memory).

Draco seeing the cabinet and Harry being in the cabinet is all in CoS, chapter 4 (At Flourish and Blotts).

and the entire situation with the Quidditch practice and the mud and Harry getting in trouble and Nick getting Peeves to drop the cabinet is in CoS, chapter 8 (The Deathday Party).

it’s the lined-up-dominoes meme, and it’s ridiculous. and it’s all on the page.

I feel like I’m having a stroke

so we moved into a new house over the weekend and while i think i’m going to like it a lot once we get everything put away and settled, we have the Most Cursed bathroom

first of all there’s a step leading into it but the door closes before it so you open it and surprise step. very easy to trip

it’s fucking carpeted. like. around the sink is not carpeted but the carpeting goes right up to and behind the toilet. what do you do if the toilet floods

there’s ... this. baby changing station i guess? weird counter

big window with no way of putting curtains on it

four places to hang towels even though there’s no shower in this bathroom

there’s also a hallway leading to this bathroom but it’s the only thing that the hallway leads to

in conclusion:

why

why wants to see MURDER SHED

doesn’t seem too bad from the outside right? cute little yellow shed

SURPRISE

MURDER MURDER MURDER SHED

of course, lit by a single naked bulb

if i ever stop posting here it’s because the thing that always tries to open the door from the inside of the murder shed finally escaped and killed me

this got a note and it reminded me so here’s a fun update on the house so far: 

murder shed 

the doors to the murder shed would be open every morning when i got up, no matter how early i got up, without fail. the doors are both latched and bolted. they would always open in the middle of the night. one day this just STOPPED happening and i have not been in there since. it hasn’t opened in like two weeks. we’ve had severe storms and sudden fluctuations in temperature. they have remained closed

cursed bathroom 

misc 

i will add on as i discover more cursed things about my house 

so i finally worked up the chutzpah to go down and take pictures of the basement bathroom (thank you @iseedeadsneeeple for going down with me even though i walked in all the spider webs first)

i revoke the original post that said that was the most cursed bathroom. it is truly the basement bathroom that holds that title. Cursed indeed

starting you off with the easy pic because you need time to mentally prepare yourself

rest here, traveler. the journey ahead is treacherous

okay, i warned you

here’s the shower. just like. on the wall. no sort of enclosed space whatsoever

don’t worry about drainage you got this sick ass hole in the floor with the basement hose. you know, the basement hose, found in every standard basement?

the toilet, conveniently situated right next to the fuse box so you won’t be scared if the power goes out when you’re pooping!

but ALAS. what’s this?

oh yeah, it’s just that dark space under the stairs that’s right behind the toilet half wall. but don’t worry - if you’re concerned about someone watching you while you’re on the toilet, there’s some blinds you can pull down!

anyway can someone tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HOUSE

williams water balloon fight 🥺

Broooo this is the most beautiful shit ever

"I don't want no extra kids." 🤣🤣

“This hair is too expensive!!”😂😂😂💀💀💀

reblog if you would let them keep their apartment, ignore if you would open your window and destroy the fruits of their labor

i’m watching an art theft documentary and they’re interviewing this art history professor from new york who was asked to go with the fbi to authenticate a rubens that had been stolen but it was a sting operation so they had to pretend like they weren’t the fbi, that they were some private buyer about to pay $3.5 million for it, and the fbi was like “this is a VERY delicate operation because you never know how they will react to what you have to say so let the agent do all of the talking, don’t say a word to anyone just nod if it’s the rubens, the last operation we did the guy in your position got shot because things went wrong in a second” and then it cuts to the professor’s interview and he says “i wasn’t going to fly down to miami to be a part of an undercover fbi sting operation to handle what could be rubens’s aurora and just NOT say anything. i was gonna have to ad lib a little” and then he tells the interviewer that when he & the fbi agent got to the hotel while he was examining the painting he started lecturing the other people, first on how badly they had wrapped it, and then about like how it had been painted, the history of it, what the subject was and what she was doing, etc etc, and he was like “i hadn’t taught a class on rubens in 15 years, so for me it was like being back in the classroom except my students couldn’t leave” 

at one point during the deal the professor turned to the woman selling it and he said “isn’t this just the most beautiful rubens you’ve ever seen outside of a museum?” (because the fbi had told him earlier that this piece had been stolen from a museum) and THEN he said “where on earth did you get it from?” and the group of people the woman had with her was like taxidermy-fox.png but the woman was like “inheritance” can you IMAGINE the fbi agent about to have a fucking aneurysm when this random guy you’ve brought in just to nod if it’s the right painting not only starts giving an impromptu lecture but then he asks how they got it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B4Zm-Aa74Y&t=2613s

omg BLESS YOU for the link and the time stamp that was as glorious as described by the OP

i love that i have to go to menswear to find a shirt a human being in the world would wear and then when i do it takes me .5 seconds to find it. I love that

Women’s section: would you like a shirt made out of tissue paper that costs $34.99??

Men’s section: here’s 25 normal tshirts for a quarter

Women’s Section: Would you like to play fucking guessing games with our arbitrary sizing systems and style names?  Also, we added a bunch of fake pockets for your personal inconvenience!

Men’s Section: Here’s a bunch of pants organized by the exact inch length of your waist and legs.  With pockets that can hold more than just a credit card.

Women’s Section:  Oh you want a plain tee-shirt?  Here you go, it’s completely see through so you either have to a) wear something else over it or b) let everyone see your bra!

Men’s Section:  Here’s an amazingly comfortable shirt that no one can see your undergarments through.  Have a nice day!

Women’s section: if you’re a nerd? I guess you wanna show titties and have glitter huh???

Men’s section: Here this has the hogwarts crest on it and it’s like five bucks

Women’s section: you want shorts? I guess that means you want something really short huh??? Might even see your butt??

Men’s section: Here’s comfortable shorts that are longer than like 15 cm long, have a good day

i found the post again

Women’s section: pockets? Yeah sure of course! We’ll give you fifty fake pockets.

Men’s section: you can put your first born in one of ten pockets and still have room for more things

I’m here for these tweets

THERE IT IS

Halloween, but make it Gay 🎃🌈

(DON’T EDIT OR REPOST TO OTHER SITES)  //  FULL SIZE VERSIONS ON MY DA (<-link in my blog header)

Whenever Hagrid finally decides to retire as Care of Magical Creatures professor you can bet your last knut that Charlie Weasley flies back to England the following week excitedly waving his resume and recommendation letters from no less than two Scamanders and the Minister of Magic, Hermione Granger.

I’m pretty sure he would also have recommendation letters from Rubeus Hagrid, the retiring professor, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived and a very confusing one from Puddlemere United player, Oliver Wood, saying that he was one of the best Seekers he had ever seen.

Not to mention the fact that he flies back to England not on a broomstick or any other normal form of transportation, but landing on the Hogwarts grounds on the back of the largest dragon anyone has ever seen.

Reblogging again for that last addition. 

Charlie: *glides in on a dragon* HELLO HIRE ME

Everyone: What the fuck

Ron: (in the background, mortified) this is normal

Not just any large dragon, either. A huge Norwegian Ridgeback that immediately curls itself around Hagrid’s Hut once Charlie dismounts. And it purrs when Hagrid dodders out of his hut to see what’s going on.

Norbert sneezes some sparks into Hagrid’s beard for old time sake. Hagrid bursts into joyful sobs. “He remembers his mummy! After all these years!”

Charlie: Her name is Norberta, actually. She has had like three clutches of babies-

Hagrid: I´M A GRANDMA?!

Too bad the prophet Cassandra never met Odysseus

They say if she made a prophecy Nobody would believe her

I’ve gotta say, that is exactly the kind of stupid thing that probably would circumvent a curse.

Cassandra: YOU ARE ALL GOING TO REGRET THIS SO MUCH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. 

Odysseus: Regret it why?

Cassandra: You won’t believe me if I tell you. If I prophecy, nobody believes me. That is my curse.

Odysseus: … I’m Nobody. Fill me in. 

*A couple of months later* 

Odysseus: HELLO PENELOPE, I AM HERE PRECISELY ON TIME AND NOT YEARS LATE incidentally I rescued and adopted a Trojan seer while I was away, she’s great, got me home really fast, Cassandra this is your new mother who’s not going to treat you like shit. 

Penelope: … I’m going to need more details, but okay, sure. 

Cassandra: *in tears* I love you, new family. 

The tree was put under arrest  in 1898, when a British army officer, James Squid, under the influence of alcohol, thought that the tree was moving towards him. Threatened by the tree’s movement, the officer decided to teach a lesson to the offender and issued arrest warrants of the tree.

Source [x]

Click HERE for more facts

This reminds me of the tree that legally owns the land it’s planted on.

…I am honestly surprised no one has tried to retain a lawyer for the tree and file some sort of lawsuit over this deplorable treatment.

FREE THE TREE.