a little bit of everything

you: I want a sugar daddy me, an intellectual: i have a need for a glucose father

*sees spider* should i try to kill it or should i just kill myself 

wow i need a drink [pours apple juice into shot glass]

Mic Drop - Taehyung

are you kidding, i love classical music. my favorite composers are bach, mozart, and *looks at smudged writing on hand* beef oven

(seductively licks lips)

(grabs your wrist)

(furiously hits you with your own hand)

WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF WHY AR

There is an entire generation that won’t know the actual meaning of “Roll down the window” while in a car.

Soulmates are not your ~other half~, that’s just nonsense. You are a whole person already, not half a person. A soulmate isn’t even inherently romantic. A soulmate is just the other sock in a matched set. You’re still a whole, complete sock on your own, you are perfectly functional paired with any other sock, it’s just that it’s even better when you match. A soulmate is literally just the person who makes your soul go “!!! Same hat!!!” and wave excitedly.

i love this

this is literally the only interpretation of “soulmate” that I can tolerate or accept 

“YOUR GAY” they shouted. “DUDE YOUR GAY!!!” i ignored them. it wasnt until i got home that i realized my gay had escaped. those kind men were trying to tell me he was running away

I have a bath bomb from lush but no tub so I guess I’ll just have to eat it

*cancels plans* sorry i can’t come i’m ugly

If i ever spell something wrong I did it for comedic purposes. I know everything don't forget that

mom, dad, these are my newborn twins. their names are mom and dad. i named them after you. what do you mean ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ aren’t your real names? what the hell? i already named these kids thanks for telling me now

boy, i sure enjoy watching sports. when they throw the ball? classic