HAVE YOU SEEN MY SON

NO

he looks so offended by his own clapback im crying

When you the master roaster but you in a professional setting but someone slip up and you instinctively fire on they ass

Rewrite a classic fairy tale by telling it backwards. The end is now the beginning.

Once upon a time there was a princess who loved so deeply that her heart was worn constantly on her sleeve. She fell in love with a prince, and the next year, her father allowed them to be wed- he remembered his own wife every day, and wished his daughter to be as happy as he had been.

The day of the wedding came, and the girl walked down the aisle in a dress of gentle silver. The Prince took her hand and smiled, and leant in to kiss her.

For luck, he would later say. A kiss for luck, a smile for joy, a laugh for a happy ending. It was a saying his own family had had for years, but it was a saying that failed him.

For the second his lips touched hers, she fell to the floor with a sigh.

Not dead they healers told the prince. not dead but sleeping, not dead but unable to wake.

The prince- so ashamed, so in fear of his life and hers- stole her away from the castle that night, away from her father and her people, so they would never have to watch her waste away.

He hid her in a forest, in a casket of diamond and ice, and he waited. Waited, for he did not even know where to start. He did not even know if the hope for her waking had a point.

He was there for two days when they found him. Seven short folk, small men with beards and axes in their hands, and harsh smiles on their faces.

We can help you they said to him, the six cackling behind the speaker. But, prince, it will come at a price.

I would pay anything. He vowed. Only later, realising he should have asked what it would be.

The Seven disappeared and left him on his own. Alone, other than the silent not-dead princess at his side.

When they returned there was an eighth with them- an old frail woman with a basket in her hands.

We will wake her she said, pulling out an apple and throwing it in their air but you will never look at her, talk to her again, and she will work in the mines with my dwarves here.

He wanted to say no. But knowing she was alive, even out of reach, was better than sleep and near death.

so yes he said. Help her.

The old woman smiled and picked out a knife, cutting the apple into small parts. One, she handed to the prince, the other, she took over to the casket, and opening it, she placed it on the princess’ lips.

A gasp, a flash of her eyes opening, and the prince knew nothing more.

The princess woke in a place she did not know, surrounded by people she did not know. An old woman and short men- and her prince, asleep on the ground.

He is not dead the old woman said only sleeping. But around you, he will never wake. He saved you but cursed you both- and now your life is tied to my mines.

The princess tried to fight, to leave. 

But the old woman had magic and she did not, and the dwarves were all she knew for many years. Sometimes as friends, sometimes as enemies, often arguing but always allies, they worked side by sides in the underground mines, looking for fairydust and rubies, magic and gold.

They taught her the songs of work and the songs of marches, and soon she forgot that she had even been a princess.

One evening she was walking back to their home alone, when she heard a noise to her left. She looked, expecting a rabbit, a bird, but out stepped a man with a bow in his hands.

You shouldn’t be out in the woods alone he said to her.

This is my home.

Trees are no home for anyone. She wondered if she should tell him of the many people hidden in the forest, each with no where else to go come with me.

Why?

Because I have a place you can go.

She should have said no- but what was there for her in the trees and the mine? So she took his hand and he led her out into the bright daylight, through winding roads intil they arrived at a castle she did not know.

where are we? she asked.

The Huntsman smiled my home, and the home of my queen.

He led her in through the doors, up to a room where a woman was sat on a throne. The woman stood as she saw the princess, staring at her in wide eyed shock.

You look just like her the queen whispered.

Once, the Huntsman said quietly, seeing the question in the princess’ eyes my queen had a child. A daughter who should have been your age. But she was stolen away by the man my queen loved.

You-

I’m not her  the princess said- but she had never known her mother. Only her father and an empty throne at his side.

No. the queen said, her tone one of disbelief. But I am in need of an heir, and you in need of care. Stay here a while, and let us see.

leia: *sneaks into jabba’s palace in inconspicuous disguise and mask, attempts to rescue han in the dead of night*

luke: *rolls up at jabba’s palace to rescue han wearing brand new balmain jumpsuit and louboutin boots, does a triple backflip, blows everything up*

Pro lifers get a lot of hate. We’re not the ones murdering people.

Except you are:

Between 1993 and 2015 there have been seven events of successful murders of both clinic workers and doctors which culminated in the deaths of eleven people. All done by self-proclaimed pro-lifers.

Between 1982 1998 there have been 8 events of attempted murder, assault, and kidnapping.

47,000 people die every year because people like you deny them access to abortion.

Savita Halappanavar, a 31 year old woman died due to a septic miscarriage. An abortion would have saved her life but pro-lifers let her die because ‘the baby still had a heartbeat’ even though she begged for an abortion.

An El Salvadorean woman only known as ‘Beatriz’ was denied an abortion and forced to undergo an unnecessary c-section that ended with the death of the baby, which was born with no brain. Beatriz now lives with the scars of El Salvador’s staunchly anti-abortion laws and suffers numerous health issue, most of which could have been avoided had she been allowed to abort.

So no, you may not be directly killing people personally, but your ilk definitely are.

Also worth noting: Abortion is not and will never be murder. It doesn’t fit the definition of murder, which is a legal term and has very specific requirements that abortion fails to meet across the board.

Pro choicers and abortion doctors have killed no people. Pro lifers kill about 47,000 people every year, and have committed numerous other acts of terrorism, and crime through the years with other pro lifers hailing them ‘hero’s’ and saying they feel no sympathy for the victims.

What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us?

My science teacher said he thinks that’s true actually

Yeah this is actually pretty much exactly what is going on. It’s why anti-oxidants are such a big deal. Bonus fact: oxygen oxidizes stuff in your cells or, in other words, it’s not toxic, just setting you on fire very very slowly.

What if there are aliens out there but they subsist on entirely different substances and they’re just scared as shit of us and our crazy ass hell planet? Once in a while some alien anthropologist type suggests checking out the people on this inhabited planet out towards the galaxy’s edge. The other aliens just look at the naive academic with horror. No!! We do not go to that world. That is where the DEATH BREATHERS live. They recreationally consume poisons and are more or less composed of biological fire. Their atmosphere is made of rocket fuel. We must leave the DEATH BREATHERS in peace. Do not go there. Do not.

I tend to always reblog posts about humans being terrifying weirdos to aliens.

@brainsforbabyjesus

okay but…that is actually what went down on earth about 2.5 billion years ago.

Earth was doing just fine with a mostly nitrogen/carbon dioxide atmosphere and everyone was happy to go on living in anaerobic bliss and then cyanobacteria suddenly hit the scene, altered the atmosphere composition so that there was a ton of oxygen gas and killed practically everything (97% or more of all species on earth).

We are literally descendants of the DEATH BREATHERS and cyanobacteria is our deadly mother.

The cyanobacteria holocaust is so big, it doesn’t even have a cool name; it’s just called “The Great Oxygenation Event”; the *second* most apocalyptic extinction event in our planet’s history is the one that’s called THE GREAT DYING (the Permian-Triassic event, about 252 million years ago).

This shit makes like the rock-throwing that wiped out the dinosaurs look like kindergarten.

Protip for men: if marriage is a horrifying concept for you and you think it is an evil trap, do not buy a ring and ask a woman to marry you

I’m way over seeing radical feminist bullshit on my dash. This isn’t even social justice or a real issue.

sorry that not marrying someone you dont loathe is radical feminism i guess?

women: don’t propose or get married if u don’t like the thought of marriage

men: what kind of sjw fuckery

the other bit that this implies is: If you like your wife, act like it. Even around your friends. Be open and honest about liking your wife, liking spending time with her, and not being resentful of the shared work of building a household. Let your buddies know you can’t hang out with them because you’d rather be home with your wife, whom you like, because she is your legit bff, even though you know your buddies are gonna mock you for it. Stand up to your buddies. Tell them mocking isn’t cool and you don’t want them to do it anymore. Challenge the other men in your life to be better men. That is what “don’t get married if you think marriage is an evil trap” implies to men who are married. And while it’s all completely reasonable I imagine that it’s scary as fuck when it’s just so much easier to har de har har the little woman’s such a nag, ain’t she, don’t we all hate being married so much? with other men. In that context, “don’t get married if you think marriage is an evil trap” is kindof a radical statement.

The number of guys I work with who are engaged who started pulling the “uh oh, life over soon, har har” shit that I have completely shut down with a simple “well if you don’t want to get married, then don’t”…*sigh* And they’re just like, hem, haw, welllll if I don’t then she might not stay with meee, which I respond to with “well, sounds like you need to have a pretty serious and honest conversation with your fiancee about your feelings then” and then the *panic!* look…When you remove that easy “hah hah ball-and-chain” narrative, watch the reaction. Some of them (to a female friend) will mumblingly admit that they love their fiancee and are excited to be married. Others…all you get is fear.

That’s the disservice we do men by refusing to teach boys how to explore their emotional needs. It hurts everyone. I watched three male friends walk into marriages I can tell they weren’t ready for and didn’t want, just because it was expected and they had no tools for emotional self-examination. Two of those marriages are (shockingly) in crisis, a couple years later. One has kids involved now. It’s more than a little heartbreaking. The marriages I see that are working? Are the guys with the emotional maturity to talk to their wives and who don’t care if everyone knows they’re in love with them.

SERIOUSLY. 

“Challenge the other men in your life to be better men.”

Allow the men in your life to explore their emotions, give them a safe space to do so productively. I don’t mean coddling, I mean having honest conversations about how people are feeling. Marry someone you genuinely enjoy being around.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

wow this is ridiculous

Holy shit?

oh my fucking god

this dog getting washed with bouncy music in the background is like a genre of its own

I needed this more than I care to admit

THIS IS THE SINGLE GREATEST POST IN TUMBLR HISTORY. RECOGNIZE.

REBLOG FOR REASONS

I was like “Im not reading all that” and then I saw “thanks for the fucking healthcare” and Im so glad I scrolled back up

I like how they used a scene from Family Guy to frame the discussion

This was like really long and the use of family guy killed me man

Why family guy?

Quagmire went off on Brian like this when Brian wanted to know why Quagmire hated him.

Saw me open the stall door, and actually closed her eyes tighter.

Well played.

I think I love her

The movie ain’t even out yet and I’m already in tears

omggg

I’m dying 😭😭😫😫😍😍😍

Purity

this is really pure. the water waved. styled her hair. delivered her safely onto shore.

when i try to dance

“And did you love me?“  “Everyone says I did. Everyone says that’s why they had you tortured. To break me.”

Old-timey dudes doing weird hokey shit is the best thing.

Case in point:

Second guy from the left in the foreground is Tsar Nicholas II Romanov of the Russian Empire i think.

Yeah that’s him. Have some more pics of Nicholas II and his pals having a fun time

“What I didn’t realize, back when I was this twenty-five-year-old pinup for geeks in that me myself and iconic metal bikini, was that I had signed an invisible contract to stay looking the exact same way for the next thirty to forty years. Well, clearly I’ve broken that contract. Partly because, in an effort to keep up my disguise as a human being, I had a child at some point. And then, in an effort to stay sane for said child, I took pounds and pounds of medications that have the dual effect of causing water retention (think ocean, not lake) while also creating a craving for salad—chocolate salad. So yes, in answer to your unexpressed question, sanity does turn out to come at a heavy price.”

mom

Also me

today the barista at Starbucks accidentally gave me a trienta instead of a venti (which was cool cause hey more coffee) and I pointed it out in case she wanted to switch it so she doesn’t get in trouble or something and she looked right at me in my eyes and said “I decide what you drink now”

a person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff . however , a duck from 150 years ago would just be all like ,still got lakes? yes ? okay cool