“You’d think after ten years that would fade..”

“I guess that’s how you know it was true love.”

I put all my dreams and wishes on you. And I shouldn’t have. Shouldn’t put that on any person or relationship because people can’t complete you. But I was young and desperate to feel loved and you did it soooooo good and it was like drinking water in the desert. I could not get enough. I put all my hope in you and that we would last in some shape or form and that you would be the one special person to finally love me. I couldn’t imagine being without you. And was it you? Or was it what you gave me? What you represented? Thinking about it now, thinking of how I’ve already lost you, it takes the breath out of my chest. I panic. I can’t believe it’s been so many years. I can close my eyes and I still the moonlight on your bedroom ceiling. I can still remember the way you smelled and the way your hair fell around your face. I remember every little thing. And it crushes me that it’s gone. That I lost you. That I’ll never have love like that again. Never? It scares me. What if I always need you? What if I always need that? What if I never get it again? What if you’re the last thing my heart ever longs for? I wish I never loved a damn thing. It hurts too much when it’s gone. I got rid of a fkn washing machine today and I got sad because it once washed your clothes. My clothes when I was a teen. I remember standing there doing laundry and watching your text bubble pop up and I could t wait to read you text and the smile that would come across my face. Who the fuck gets sad over shit like that. A damn old washing machine. That’s how desperate I am to hang on to you. Of that time….

The memories have been popping up lately , very vividly. It’s so weird the things that bring them on. I see something or hear something or read something and it reminds me of that time. Brings me back. My heart aches. Something deep in me cries. It hurts. I gave you every piece of me whether you realized or believed me, you had every piece of me. And when I had to get up and move on with my life, I left myself behind. You still have her because I left her with you. And ever since then I’ve never quite felt like my full self. But it’s ok, I chose to love you. I chose to fall. Give myself away. I just miss it. That feeling in my chest only you give me. I miss it. Some days I truly believe I need it to live. I’m sure it’s all a delusion I made up in my head… but I still want it after all these years.

When I remember how it felt to be close to her it takes me over and in that moment my heart aches and I long to go back. I’d died just to stay in that moment forever. Man I got it bad Still?! Just when I remember the feeling

I saw her tonight. What could have been. I didn’t want to wake up. I miss her. Miss it. Miss something I never had. Idk.

I wish I was as privileged as you getting to read someone’s deepest thoughts. There’s quite a few things in your brain I’d like to know

You got the very best pieces of me and wasted them. Now I have good people who I can’t love because of you. Because you broke me. Wasted. I wasted myself. That’s why I’ll hate you forever.

I miss her. 16 year old her. My best friend her. The one who was supposed to grow up with me and become my forever friend. Soulmate. Call over to help me organize my damn closet while I’m 6 months pregnant friend. That’s who I mourn. That’s who I miss. I grieve her. In all my life, she will be the one to hold a special place in my heart. And you aren’t her anymore. And I understand that. We all grow up. Maybe she’s still in there, maybe she saves that for someone else now. Either way, I don’t have her anymore. And I miss her all the time. I wish she was still around.

And you know all these years I’ve tried to put into words and describe why I fell in love and what it felt like and what it meant to me. Over explained. But falling in love is one of those things that is so complex you won’t ever reach the bottom, and yet so simple it’s obvious. When I fell in love with her, it was just like every little piece falling into place. Like a key in the right lock, each tiny gear falling onto the grooves cut in the key. It’s just a simple feeling of knowing this is it.. this is who I will love the most.. forever. And the years go by and you grow apart and things change and life happens, but you think of them and you feel that click again. That simple- them. No one on earth makes you feel that specific way except them. So now we are older and things are “complicated”, but every now and then I still feel that click, where my heart recognizes your key. And it’s a beautiful thing, feels amazing. And also heartbreaking when you aren’t close anymore. But it’ll always be there and your heart will always remember. And then one day we die and that love breaks open and flys away for someone else to experience. Who ever gets the love I have for her will be one lucky person.

I’d go back in time and see her one more time… she was everything. My wildest dreams lived in that smile.

You wanna know something

And this is how I know I’ve healed a lot more than I give myself credit for. But me a few years ago would have been sooooo mad and hurt by you giving someone this many chances and staying with them. Because my ass got leftttttt. And I wasn’t just some dick, yea I was an idiot and an ass sometimes but I loved you. And I got left for being too much I guess? Or not enough. Yet this mf 🤬getting chance after chance ooo just wanna punch his stupid face. Ahahahahah not really. I really don’t even care anymore about that stuff. That’s what you wanted all this time right? For me to move on. Well you got it bby. I still do wish you the best and I hate to see you mistreated and disrespected. I truly wish you’d find better

I heard a song the other day I haven’t heard for a decade and i had damn war flashbacks ☠️☠️ why I miss that shit I’ll never know. I was drowning and you’d pull me up for a breathe just to push me back under again.

That was a door I should never have opened. I’ll want it for the rest of my life.

Then I have days like today where I know in my heart he will always be the best for me and he is the only person in my entire life who loves me unconditionally. No one not even a parent or sibling or best friend has ever treated me as good and kind as he does. Is there things I wish were different? Yea of course , but at the end of the day no one is perfect no one can be every tiny thing you wish them to be. At the end of the day he’s the only one who has never turned their back on me. And coming from my background, that means everything to me. We can fight and scream and hate each other, but never leave. The lows will come. Hard will come. And it might stay for a very long time. But the best comes back too. Having someone see every tiny bit of who you are and still choose to stay with a smile? I’m coming to find that that’s all that matters. Romance… I will say that’s a thing he lacks. That’s definitely one of the hardest things to deal with and accept. Maybe we will get there one day.

I wish anxiety didn’t exist this shit sucks ass

I’m such an idiot

I sound so insane. I know we are different people living different lives, and maybe want different things these days. I know you want to be happy and are happy and that has nothing to do with me. If I’m not your cup of tea I completely understand. It’s just that you are the one person to make me feel so loved, and everyone craves to be loved. I miss it. I crave it. And only you can give it to me. You know? I miss the love and the connection and the electricity and the attraction. But none of that is worth ruining your life over. And it probably wouldn’t be the same anyways. I know it. There’s just a huge hole in my soul. Where you used to be.