I have been thinking about this for a while now.
Summary: Sometimes your loved ones are closer then they seem
Disclaimer: I don’t own AoT or you. Or the GIF below. No jokes for this one, no sarcastic quips. I want this one to eat your heart.
Warnings: swearing, sexual references
Please do not repost, reblogs are ok
Levi sat in the leather arm chair that resided in the corner of the bedroom he shared with you.
One leg crossed over the other, his elbow perched on the arm rest and his hand resting under his chin. His monochrome eyes glistening as he watched you sleeping in the bed before him, your face still streaked with tears that had been shed from hours of crying. Your cheek buried into the damp pillow and your back gently falling and rising as you lightly snored, your hair fanned out around your head and shoulders as you slumbered.
Levi let his gaze fixated on you, his mind never letting him look away in fear that you should call out for him again. After having watched you writhe in the bed sheets, screaming and sobbing so violently you had passed out that Levi couldn’t help but stay beside you, ready to rush to your aid should the tears make themselves present again.
Your cries from earlier still echoed in his head, his own terror at seeing you so distraught still made his heart ache in his chest. He pressed his eyes closed, pulling his hand out from under his chin to run it over his face and through his onyx hair. There was nothing he could do but watch as the tears flooded down your cheeks, he could only feel his heart breaking as you called his name. Every time he reached out for you, every time he tried to pull you into him for a securing embrace you would shiver and pull your self away, rejecting his touch and only shattering his heart even more.
He had never felt more useless then to have been at such a loss when only being able to spectate his grieving girlfriend. He had always been able to make you feel secure, to make you feel loved and appreciated and although he hadn’t always been the best partner for you, you had never pulled away from him before.
A small knock came from the bedroom door and Levi glanced over his shoulder, rising to his feet ready to turn anyone away who you didn’t want to see.
Levi heard you stir in your bed sheets, your eyes fluttering open and instantly stinging as the cool air of your bedroom pricked at your bloodshot eyes. You didn’t bother sitting up, you only pulled the covers tighter around your body and buried your nose into the pillow inhaling Levi’s soapy scent that lingered on the cotton.
You really didn’t want to see anyone at the moment. The weight of depression still pressing against your chest and your eyes still blurred with tears that threatened to fall. You were in no good place or mindset to talk to anyone or here their words of comfort that didn’t do anything other then make the pain worsen. You only wanted Levi and his company, and although you had almost felt his hands brush over your skin you had pulled away. The feeling of his skin only adding to the breakdown and decomposition of your walls that you spent years setting up around yourself.
You growled as another knock resonated from the other side of the door. You propped your self up on your elbows, your neck trembling as you glared at the door as another knock came from the other side. Whoever it was wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.
“Yeah, Yeah come in.” you grumbled falling back into the pillows not able to see who had entered as you heard the door open and close.
Levi watched as Erwin entered the bedroom with two cups of tea in his hand, Levi allowed himself to relax
at the sight of his friend. If anyone could make you feel better other then himself it was Erwin.
The commander made his way across the room towards you, stopping by your bedside and placing one of the tea cups on the bedside table next to where your head rested on the pillow. The aroma of sweet ginger tea filling your nose and you couldn’t help but raise your head from the pulled to see the Commander stood above you. His eyes graced with heavy bags and his usually neat blonde hair slightly ruffled from sleepless nights of filling out paperwork that had piled high on his desk. He needed a break and he had wanted to check up in how you were doing after the last mission that has gone so wrong.
“Can I sit?” Erwin asked, his blue eyes locking with yours.
You nodded, sitting up and leaning your back into the head board, pulling a pillow up to give you more comfort and moving the side slightly to allow Erwin more room. He thanks you and sits by your legs, his weight pushing the mattress down and you slid towards him not even trying to fight as your body moved a few inches toward his.
You reached out for your tea, your fingers grasping the handle and picking it up from the wooden bedside table. You held it your chest, clasping the hot china in your trembling fingers as the warmth from the beverage soothed the uncontrollable shaking you were experiencing. The steam that rose from the surface of the cloudy, ginger flavoured water floated into your stuffy nostrils and helped ease your aching head and chest.
Raising the cup to your lips you took a steady sip, the spicy and sweet liquid searing your tongue and burning your throat in a way that was so comforting it felt as if the ginger tea was an old friend.
“You look like shit.” you said after a moment of silence holding the tea cup by your midriff and absorbing its warmth.
Erwin smiles weakly at your attempt at conversation taking a sip of his own lemon tea. He could easily see why Levi had chosen you as his spouse, your dry wit and sarcasm could rival the raven haired captains. Erwin has often told his friend that the relationship he had with you was something the commander envied, and that Levi would be an idiot if he ever let you go.
“How are you doing (y/n)?” Erwin asked glancing up to look at you. His eyes watching you carefully as you bit your lip and gazed down into your cloudy white tea, your reflection gazing back at you from the steaming liquid.
“I-I don’t know what happened Erwin.” you whispered, feeling the tears sting your eyes again “how did it go so wrong so quickly? One minute everything was fine and the next...”
You trailed off, your eyes squeezing shut trying to hold the new wave of tears that threatened to resurface. But it was in vain as the salty crystalline beads slid down your burning cheeks and caught in your eye lashes. Your body shaking as you suppressed sobs.
Images flashed through your mind of the mission that had destroyed you and left you barren of the people you held close in your life. It came to you in flashes, the visions of titans swiping at the scouts who flew through the air, the fearful cries of your soldiers as they were ripped from their harnesses by the demons that towered huh and mighty above the ground. And you could still feel the horror that had frozen every inch of your body as your closest ally was also knocked from the air in an attempt to save you, his body smashing into the ground instead of your own. His face covered in his own blood and skull smashed to pieces against the floor as you could only scream his name from the safety of the sky.
Erwin didn’t say anything as he watched you crying, his own tears kept at bay by his discipline. You were strong. Probably the strongest person he knew, other then Levi, so to see you so devastated and willing to show your emotions was alien to the blonde. But he would listen to anything you had to say, expeditions went wrong and this was one of those times. The loss had been too much.
“These things happen.” Erwin spoke softly running a thumb over the rim of his cup “that’s what he would say. He wouldn’t want you to cry over him the way you are. You blame yourself, don’t you?”
“How can I not?” you mumble raising your head to meet Erwin’s warm eyes.
A sniffle escaping your lips as more tears roll down your face and land in damp grey spots on the white bed sheets that are creased around your body. Your earlier break down now beginning to make another appearance as you fight against the urge to release all your frustration and grief out. You had had bad missions before, you had seen many of your friends get cut down and ripped from this life. You had had your fair share of loss and strife but this time, this time it was all too much and your world had come crashing down.
“Every time I close my eyes I can see him falling. He tried to save me Erwin. He was my best friend and I could only watch as he...I could have saved him.”
“No you couldn’t. There was nothing you could have done.” Levi said from the corner of the bedroom making his way over to where you sat with Erwin, stopping by your side and kneeling beside you, reaching a hand out to brush against yours.
You shivered at his touch and moved away, your gaze staring through him with a sadness in your eyes so prominent it made the breath hitch in Levi’s lungs and he pulled his hand away turning his face to the floor, his heart screaming in pain in his chest as you once again gave him a cold shoulder. It wasn’t your fault and he knew that, but he longed for you to accept his touch and hear his voice instead of turning away.
“You can’t save anyone (y/n). Not even Levi or I could save everyone.” Erwin comforts.
“How did either of you cope with it?” you breath bringing your legs up to your chest and placing the tea cup back on the bed side table, finding comfort in having your knees pulled into your chest as you wrapped your arms around your legs and resting your chin on your knees “how do you cope with the pain?”
“You don’t.” Erwin responded warmly, his gaze never breaking with yours “the pain won’t go anywhere any time soon. You’ll cry behind closed doors, you’ll want to lash out at anyone who shows you kindness and you will try to rebuild your broken walls. The only way you can begin to heal is to carry on the fight.”
“Easier said then done.” you mutter and Erwin chuckles, a genuine smile spreading over his face.
“You will get there and we will be here the whole time.”
You nod, a faint smile on your face not that it was genuine but you wanted to show Erwin you were ok. Even if you were dying on the inside, even if you were in so much internal pain you wanted to put on a brave face. It’s what Levi would do.
“I can still feel him. It’s like he’s in the room with us.” you say, your voice breaking.
Levi raises his gaze from the floor when he feels your eyes land on him, his silver eyes brimming with his own tears that he dares not let fall. He had to be strong for you, he had to be the shoulder you cried on and not the otero way around, his own tears would do nothing to reverse what had been done. You were trying to swim through a storm of emotions that kept trying to drag you under and he would be the driftwood that would save you, the thing you clung to to keep you from drowning in your own turmoil.
Levi remained knelt by the bedside, he wanted so desperately to reach out and touch you, to tell you that it would be ok and that he was here for you. He would always be here for you. But the fear of your rejection at contact was stronger then his want to subside your depressed state.
Have you ever heard a man try to call out to the woman he loves when she refuses to hear him?
If you have, then you should know that the cry he makes when calling her name is probably the most heart breaking noise you could ever hear. His voice would strain and crack as he attempted to pierce through her walls, his hands would try to grasp her hand only to fall through her skin as she moved further and further away.
Levi could hear his own voice in his head as he tried to call for you, begging you to show him some sort of recognition or acknowledge his presence. But you couldn’t seem to understand his internal cries, his desperate attempts being brushed off as if it were snow on your shoulders. Cold.
“I’m going to miss him. He was...he was always there for me.” you softly speak and Erwin nods, his tea having gone cold in his hands the want for the welcoming warmth of the beverage being discarded.
“He was an excellent soldier and an even better friend. Don’t blame Levi for what happened.”
Levi draws his gaze off of you for a second to stare up at the commander, his usually cold and half lidded eyes widened and shimmering at Erwin’s words. His lips parted in a loss for words. Biting his tongue he glared furiously at the ground, irritated with his inability to conjure sentences. He let his eyes fall back onto you, your body still in the foetal position and your locks of (y/h/c) falling over your face to hide your tear sodden cheeks from the world.
“I know I shouldn’t blame him.” you swallow raising your head from your knees and pulling your hair away from your face, the locks silky beneath your fingers as you drape it over your right shoulder “it wasn’t Levi’s fault but I’ve lost someone I can never get back. I blame myself more then anyone and even if it isn’t anyone’s fault I can’t help but want to place the blame on someone.”
“It’s easier to blame the stars and fate then the people around us.”
“Maybe. But it doesn’t make anyone come back. I know I have to keep going on but my motive for fighting, my reason for living...I don’t think I have it anymore.”
“That’s bull shit.” Levi said plainly, his eyebrows furrowing as he rose to his feet.
You didn’t look at him as he held a hand up, his fingers flexed slightly the way he always did when telling someone off to abbreviate his argument.
“You’re a soldier and you gave a vow to owe your entire life to the good of humanity. Till your heart stops you keep going. Do you hear me brat?”
Whether or not you had heard him wasn’t made clear. Levi’s brow broke from its glare and his eyebrows fell back into their usual position, he sighed falling back into the wall and shoved his hands into his suit pockets. He bowed his head, his hair falling over his eyes concealing them from yours and Erwin’s eyes, the inky black tresses acting like curtains to allow him a moment of privacy.
“Please (y/n).” he whispered, salty tears sliding out from under closed eyes and down his face, falling to the floor “please hear me.”
But you don’t. Your deaf to his words and the fingers of everything cruel in the world drag over your skin. You shiver as the feeling of hopelessness washes over you.
Have you ever felt so out of control that you don’t know how to cope?
The nights when you would lie awake at night thinking about how fickle life was and how one day you would cease to exist. Have you ever felt the knots in your stomach grow so tight as the hole in your chest expands and all you can do is cry because no one else will give you glance? That feeling of being humans and powerless was the only thing that resonated in your storm of mixed emotions. You couldn’t go back and save anyone and you couldn’t stop anyone else from suffering the same fate. You would live with a part of you forever missing, never to be repacked and there was nothing or no one who could ever fill it. Have you ever felt that feeling before?
Anyone who hadn’t you considered to be incredibly fortunate.
“I’ve learned to lose before Erwin.” you utter, your throat thick with tears “I’ve lost so many people in my life.”
“I don’t want to lose anyone else.” you cry shaking your head as more tears escape, your throat raw and eyes sore from the cruel tears “Levi protected everyone and even be couldn’t save them all. How do I even succeed at what he couldn’t?”
“Don’t compare yourself to me.” Levi growled through his tears, his gaze still locked on the stone floor beneath his dress shoes.
Erwin clicked his tongue raining quiet as you gazed up at him with watery eyes, your quivering irises looking for an acceptable answer from him.
Truth was Erwin couldn’t offer any words of condolences, he couldn’t say anything that would make the world seem any less unkind. He couldn’t do anything that would chase away the demons that plagued the surface of the earth who had destroyed so many lives including your own. In the scheme of things he was powerless, Fate had weaved her webs and you had been tangled in its centre.
Erwin shut his eyes and placed his tea cup beside your own on the bed side table, reaching an arm past your body to set the china down with a soft clink. He moved himself closer and before you could protest he has enveloped his arms around your quaking form.
You didn’t protest as he pulled you into his chest, letting your head rest against his chest and uncurled your body to wrap your arms around your friends neck sobbing into the white material of his shirt staining it a damp grey colour. But Erwin didn’t seem to care, instead he rested his chin on your head as his hands ran up and down your back trying his hardest to soothe you. His eyes brimming with tears that he could no longer restrain as he rocked you back and forth, his eyes closed as he kept you wrapped tightly in his embrace tears silently running like stars down his pale cheeks.
You wept into Erwin’s chest, your hands gripping the fabric of his jacket, the warmth your friend shared with you chasing the chills you had felt earlier. The emptiness that had once resided in your heart still present but easier to handle, the hollow feeling that had plagued you feeling somewhat smaller as you allowed the tears to stream down your cheeks. You knew Erwin was crying too, you could feel his body shake against your own and his tears fell into your hair but you didn’t care.
Levi observed from his position by the wall, his head raised and his fists clenched in his pockets but he remained leaning against the wall as he watched his lover and best friend crying on the bed together. He wasn’t angry at Erwin for comforting you in ways he couldn’t. If anything he was glad that someone cod ease your grieving disposition even if it wasn’t him.
He loved you too much to let you suffer and anyone who could help you he would allow. So he stood quietly just watching as Erwin continued to rock you back and forth, your sobs causing Levi’s heart to crumble in his chest that it wasn’t him holding you to his chest.
The minutes turned to hours and the afternoon turned into the evening. You had fallen asleep, exhausted from the strain of harbouring such deep rooted sadness. Erwin had gently lay you back into your pillows, careful not to wake you as you he pulled his arm from under your body and the covers were tucked around you.
Wiping his eyes, Erwin picked up the two tea cups and cautiously made his way over to the bedroom door. Levi gave you once last look of adoration, your figure safely nestled into the bed and your mind at ease for the time being as you resided behind closed eyes. The captain followed the commander out the door, slipping through just as Erwin closed it softly behind him to find himself in Levi’s office that joined onto the bedroom.
Erwin stole a glance at Levi’s desk, the paperwork for once not present on the mahogany wood and the quills for the first time in a long time remained in their pots. Erwin smiles sadly to himself as he reached a hand out, letting his fingers softly grip the back of the chair. The leather squeaking beneath his finger tips and the blonde sighed his eyes landing on the drawing of you on his friends desk.
A beautiful drawing of you Levi had had commissioned exactly for the purpose of sitting on his desk, so the captain could gaze at it whenever he felt tired or grumpy and you went there to make paper work easier.
“I’ll look after her Levi.” Erwin whispers gently stealing one last glance at the office before making his way to the office door.
Levi stood leaning against his desk, his arms folded as jaw set as he watched his friends retreating form.
“Thank you Erwin.” Levi called our after him.
Erwin froze, his body slightly rigid and his heart stopping for a second. He looked over his shoulder, his eyes scanning the empty office. He shook his head laughing at his foolishness. For a second he could have sworn he had heard a familiar voice, but his ears had deceived him. Laughing half heartedly at his own mind playing trick on him, Erwin opened the office door and exited into the corridor closing the door behind him and leaving Levi by himself.
Levi sighed and ran a hand over his face, his tiered eyes half lidded and stormy as he stepped over to the window to gaze at the night sky, his hands shoved in his trouser pockets as his hair fell into his eyes.
Sequin like stars winking down at him from their velvet blue blanket of clouds, the moon a silver orb on the sky that cast ribbons of light through the small office window.
Levi wasn’t surprised to see that his reflection in the clear glass did not stare back at him. Any reflective surface he passed no longer showed him to be looking back, any person he passed would shiver as he walked through them and any time he spoke it fell on deaf ears.
His death had happened so suddenly. He had pushed you out the way of a titans hand and it had sent him screaming into the ground. He closed his eyes as the memory cane back to him, he subconsciously reached a hand up to where his head had made impact with the unforgiving ground. Although the head injury was not present in this form he could still feel a dull ache from where it had killed him, he could still hear you crying out his name as you clutched him to your chest begging for anyone to help save the man you loved.
He could still remember seeing your mesmerising face even as his eyes shut and the air left his lungs as he whispered a final I love you.
“Are you ready to go yet bro?”
Levi turned his head head to look over his shoulder, his steely eyes softening when he saw Isabel sat cross legged on his desk, the red head girl grinning at him with her usual cheeky smile.
Furlan leaned against the desk beside her, his arms folded and one leg crossed over the other a warm and welcoming smile on his lips.
Both were dressed in their scout uniform, the once blood stained jackets now pristine and clear of any sign of their gruesome deaths.
Levi turned to face them, stealing one last look out the window as he addressed his oldest friends.
“You had a good run Levi.” Furlan said, his blue eyes soft as he gazed at Levi “did you enjoy your life?”
“It wasn’t as shitty as we thought it would be.” Levi replied quietly letting his head turn to stare at the closed bedroom door that you slept behind before turning his gaze back to his brother and sister.
Their smiles replaced with knowing and sympathetic looks.
“It’s been a while since we’ve seen you bro.” Isabel spoke, her voice quiet but its usual perkiness resided “did you miss us?”
Levi nodded and she threw her hands into the air cheering. Levi smirked to himself, but he stayed by the window. Too hesitant to move towards them just yet.
“There’s a lot of people who can’t wait to see you again Levi.” Furlan commented standing up off the table.
“Petra, Oluo, Eld and Gunther.” Isabel said holding up a finger for each person she listed, tapping her chin as she thought.
“Your mother.” Furlan said gently.
Levi’s eyes widened, his body jarring for a moment and his eyes once again pricking with tears. He reached his arm up to rub his forearm over his eyes to stop any more tears from falling. Sliding his hand back into his pocket he he kept his eyes trained on a spot on the floor by his black shoes.
“I don’t know if I’m ready.” Levi whispered looking up to see his friends and then his eyes shifted to once again look at the bedroom door and the other two seemed to understand.
“She’s a strong woman Levi.” Furlan commented, the blind turning looking over his shoulder to see the drawing of you on Levi’s desk.
Your angelic face beaming at them from lead pencil lines.
“She’ll be ok.” Isabel confirmed.
“We’re glad you found someone like her.” the red headed girl said swinging her legs against the desk “she would have been an amazing big sis for me.”
“She would have really liked you guys.” Levi mumbled his face still turned away from the two other ghosts on his desk, he swallowed the dry lump in his throat as his eyes danced with tears “I don’t know if I can leave her.”
Isabel and Furlan shared a look. They understood their friends concerns, they themselves had refused to leave his side when they had passed but they had to let him go. And now it was his turn to let you go.
“You’ll see her again bro.” Isabel smiles hopping off the desk and approaching her stoic friend, he let his line of vision land back on his two friends as they came to stand by his side.
“You can watch over her if you want. Look out for her.” Furlan suggested resting a hand on his friends shoulder “but we have to go now.”
Levi didn’t say anything.
So this was it? Levi Ackerman’s time on Earth had been spent.
He nodded and his friends smiled small smiles at him as they linked arms with him and began to walk away with him. Isabel laughing by his side and Furlan only chuckling at the spunky red heads enthusiasm.
Levi stole one last glance over his shoulder as his office grew smaller and smaller, a blinding white light filling his vision and his eyes locking on the bedroom door one last time and wishing you the best, whispering his love to you and promising to always watch over you as the light finally swallowed him and he left you behind for the last time.
