I'm gonna say out loud something I suspect a lot of people can relate to but are afraid to vocalise.
It is okay to be scared or feel uncertain about getting top surgery. I know I was. It does not make you any less trans to feel hesitant about going forward with a major surgery that leaves large scars on your body you will have to look after for at least a few months afterwards, especially when for many of us top surgery is our first ever surgery. It does not mean you don't want it if you have to take some time to seriously consider it. It is okay and honestly perfectly normal to be scared, even if you rarely see trans people online exrpessing any sort of fear or doubts.
I knew I wanted my top surgery, and I certainly do not regret it, but I also questioned it. I weighed out the pros and cons, the possible complications following my surgery, whether or not I was truly mentally prepared for such a big surgery, and I even went so far as to question whether or not I truly wanted top surgery. I am grateful that I took the time to do that, even if to others in my life it looked as though I was rushing into this decision. I questioned everything, but I was also deeply aware of the fact that if I were to express my fear and hesitation I would likely be met with scrutiny over whether I truly wanted the surgery or if I am even really trans to begin with. I fear this is the reality for a lot of people, and I wish we could treat gender affirming surgeries the same way we do any other major surgery and allow ourselves to feel fear without facing judgement for it.
I do not regret my surgery, but it is still a major surgery, and thus takes some time to get used to. When I first saw my results after my surgery I felt a mix of emotions. I was happy, of course, but I was also possibly for the first time in my life seeing what 6 days post op looks like, and it is not very pretty. A very small part of me also questioned my decision then, and while a much larger part of me was ecstatic and knew very well that my results would look much better with time, I still want to acknowledge that small part. I feel that there is often not given much room in our community to express these feelings, leading many of us to shamefully hide them away while convincing ourselves we're the only ones who feel this way. That is simply not true.
So, if you're reading this and feel scared or hesitant, know that you are not alone. It is normal and healthy to take the time to seriously question whether or not to majorly alter your body in this way, even when you know it will eventually make you happier and more comfortable in your body. Never forget that.
