you dumb bitch bastard, dog marriage doesn't exist

Me and the girls during quarantine, high on FaceTime, watching YouTube drama channels, and gossiping about celebrities

I am deceased lmao

who is she?

Marie Kondo

This shipping container does NOT spark joy

Please don’t yell at retail employees during all this. It is not their fault that the stores are out of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, etc. etc.. They’re doing their best and they’re going through the same exact thing as the rest of us. Be kind.

also if a store has you sign receipts with a common pen, that was not the workers’ idea. nor can they change the system that requires it

I guarantee all of us are sanitizing the hell out of those pens right now. it’s not my fault, so don’t snap at me for it

A warning

well there goes my weekend plans

The Irish bottom community takes another hit

Dinah’s face in the last gif. 😂

wlw

“aesthetic”

why have i been disgraced

I hate people that are like "oh you shouldn't curse. Use proper words. Only people with a small vocabulary uses curse words" like no Karen fuck is exactly the word I'm looking for.

Because saying you are and idiot is one thing

Saying you are a fucking idiot is another

Similarly, trying to be all fancy and calling someone a “blight on the world” simply has a different energy and weight to it than calling them a fucking asshole.

You wouldn’t use a rapier in the same situation you’d use a folding chair.

that last line is on fire tho.

“Russia is European” “No, Russia is in Asia”

Have you considered: there is literally nothing justifying Europe and Asia being two different continents in the first place 

You’re right, I forgot that we arranged our continents by mountain ranges, I had to look at my world map again

did you make this just to be petty

Everything I have ever done has had being petty as the goal

we could shorten “big mood” to “bmood” but you all are not ready 

bood

oh fuck. it was i who was not ready

So hey you know how the whole Bode meme came from somebody’s dream in which they saw a tumblr meme from the future with no context? And how they assumed it was short for ‘foreboding’ or something, but that doesn’t even make sense because there’s no bode in foreboding? This is the actual origin of that prophetic vision.

The version I saw claimed it was sort for “bodacious”

i’m so glad bode is back

The Kid woke up at 3:30am and when I found him in the (dark) hallway he said, "Be not afraid," then went and laid on the sofa without pants on, leaving me standing there more terrified than I would've been had he just said nothing.

😂😂😂😂😂

The other night I was putting The Kid (pictured here):

To bed and his spooky ass looked right past me and started talking to/about Uriel. Uriel.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Facebook has always wanted to tag... more than him.

The Kid communes with angels?! How fucking cool!!!!

A random old man stopped us in the street during our daily walk and told me that The Kid can see ghosts. He was looking at a distant tree...

There's no missing context.

There was no conversation beforehand. Old man just wandered up and cold opened with this straight out of left field like an unexpected brick.

Then he bent down and asked The Kid what he saw and The Kid just says, "Someone's in there." In regards to the tree. As you do, I guess.

The old man nodded knowingly and then asked me if I believed in such things. Like, where did you come from, Gandalf?

Cool. Right. Well, okay then.

ADHD and Executive Dysfunction is like;

The vibe station…..

*sticks fingers in the table holes*

*gets fingers stuck and quietly tries to subtly pull them out so people don’t realize but that shit hurts like a bitch, so its hard to keep your cool.“

Sometimes you have experiences that you don’t think much about, but also assume nobody else has had them and a post like this comes around and it’s like getting kicked in the face

Thinking about how often romance/the love of a woman is used as a shortcut to redeem evil male characters rather than writing a believable redemption arc where the character actually makes amends for what he has done

may your soul be overgrown with moss. may your veins fill with rainwater and your lungs swell with flowers.

is this a curse or blessing?? either way lay it on me boys

gimme the peat, boys, and free my soul

pressed against the heating vent with TWO big pillows

Y’know… the longer I live in this world, the more I think cats have it figured out, man. I’m an adult with my own house, in charge of my own schedule, with an afternoon off, and am I going to spend it on top of two big pillows in front of a heating vent? No, I’m not, and why? Because I am not as wise as a friggin cat. 

fellas, this is your intellectual aspiration