Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Forever love
I have repeated myself so much on here. I feel that I’m not really helping anyone anymore. If I was, then maybe I would feel better about the ‘vents’ about love and why it keeps me alive on here. Why keeping love and romance alive in your life and in mine actually makes things so much more fun and exciting and worth writing about in a positive way. But because the world has been mean to me with romance and love and I am ready to not have it be that way.... so much.... I feel like I’m just a burden on here.
My blog in the beginning was to motivate others to be about love and romance and to stop listening to everyone around them, and listen to themselves internally about what it is that makes you feel alive and what genuinely makes you feel like you’re loved.
For me it is about encouraging romance, and bringing back the qualities it seems people are getting lazy about when it comes to really being in love with someone. It’s about what makes me feel loved, unloved and what should happen. It includes affirmations, prayers and goals and how not to let anyone tell you, what ‘realistic’ actually is. It’s different for everyone. My realistic is so much different than others’. I’m ok with that. I don’t care how many people tell me I’m crazy or what they think of me ever.... but since this blog has given me more sadness than good...
I will leave.
One word.....
“Exertion” this is my life and this is where I leave you all. I believe in love and I believe in the kind of love that I have always wanted. I deserve the fairytale and the romance as much as you do as long as you value it. I have always found the best ways to exert myself and to really go above and beyond because of love and because of what I value.
But right now, I feel like this whole thing, the love I need and really value isn’t valuing me. I don’t feel loved... exerting myself has become so sad, especially because I’m alone and all I’ve wanted was to be with a man that who really enjoyed this... who really wanted what I wanted only with each other.
GrantAndrews was the person I lost that created all of this. After he left me super broken, blogging I thought would lift me and others...
But I’m still alone. For some reason I thought it would bring the right kind of man into my life. How sad.
It brought Phil Kenney out of his shell but he still treated me like shit after all of these years. And I really had hope...
Who else is sock of exerting themselves and wanting to be so happy just to get hurt and damaged by someone again???
I’m sick of false hope.
I want to be loved and given everything so I can forget about everything that I’m trying to heal. But I am not a man.... and I need a man that wants to save me, be with me, sleep with me, stay with me, commit to me, be loyal to me, and not be a fucking jerk. I deserve that now and so I leave all of you with a super sad last blog about how important it is to stay in love no matter how much work it takes. Just fucking make time and be there. Don’t make excuses, make it fun. Don’t get lazy, get excited.
Otherwise.... all of this emotional exertion really only leads to death and hurt and destruction.
I love you GrantAndrews. I loved you so much Phil Kenney, but you’re lost me because you never wanted a relationship, you never wanted loyalty, you never wanted to stay.... you never chose me over everyone else. You put me last.
I have always put the people I love first. ALWAYS... because that shit does come back around. It does make a difference when you own a business and you’re making an impact on the world. If you take time to do so many things and you don’t forget about the love behind them, you will do so much better than everyone.
Love. My love life, is a priority. My finances and goals and dog and classes are a priority. My peace is a priority. My family and friends who really care are priority. But I refuse to pour from an empty cup. I choose love, romance, success, fun, laughter, and creating memories. I choose to change the world. I deserve a man who wants that for me too and who wants to really support me and love me in a way that is equal to the level of success and passion and intensity that I’ve always found ways to be and do for others. I have always exerted myself for others to lift them up.
I love with all that I am. I love you. Goodbye.
I am not other people and I love that about myself. Why would I ever want to be like other people???
I want to be unique, I want to be richer than everyone, I want to be beautiful in my own way, I want my kids to have better lives than I did, I want my marriage to be incredible and unlike everyone else’s that I know, I want the very best because THAT IS FAIR.
I want to do so much more than just have a house, pay bills, and die.
I need a boyfriend who wants to build a life and who is trying to find someone who wants the same things as me, and who wants to become my husband.
Just like every other day that I cry my eyes out and pray, it’s the same today. Nothing has changed. I don’t want old creepy cunt ass men in my life, I don’t like losers or hurtful cunt ass men, I will not settle for short, fat, old, skinny, bald, violent, out of shape, womanizing, men. Oh and fuck NZ and all Pisces men.
I believe in MY KIND and TYPE of LOVE. I believe I am worthy and deserving of being fought for, chased, chosen over every other woman and being spoiled and given so much more than another damaging relationship. I believe in having what I’ve prayed for and what I’m physically attracted to. I believe in being given the full package, in being married and pregnant by 35, and still being a multimillionaire with my writing.
BUT I WILL NOT BE OK WITHOUT THIS MAN FOR MUCH LONGER. I AM NOT OTHER WOMAN, I FIND STRENGTH IN BEING IN LOVE. SO STOP DEPRIVING ME OF WHAT FEELS GOOD AND MAKES ME HAPPY. The churchy bullshit needs to leave my life permanently.
I deserve to be happy and in love. I’m 32, I’m not a teenager and I’m certainly not the age where fucking a bunch of people sounds fun.... yuck... been there done that.
I deserve to be courted, loved, protected, chased, and everything inbetween. I deserve to have babies and feel so much love. I deserve to wake up and feel like I’m not alone or ugly or lonely or uncared for. I deserve to be free of all family bullshit and their connections to gross ass experiences and people and experiences in their pasts and relationships and lives. I’m not on this fucking planet to be a repeat of the things I hate.
I woke up and didn’t go to class today because I didn’t want to feel super heartbroken and alone like I do every fucking day and night. I don’t want to feel ignored and hurt and forgotten and unloved anymore. I try so hard to be kind and loving and fun and positive even when I’m super sad and lonely. I don’t want a fuckboy. I want husband and father material that looks like this:
Free of abuse permanently
Free of violence permanently
Free of betrayal and cheating permanently
Free of addiction of any kind permanently
And free of everything mean and damaging permanently....
Until this man is in my life I won’t ever entirely believe I’m being listened to when I pray.
I am worthy and deserving of being chased by a man that fits 110% of all of MY standards and prayers. I deserve to be happy and to have fun and to feel good and excited about life and love and romance. It’s MY turn to be in love with a man who isn’t a total cunt
I am trying so hard to move on from every mean man in my lofe and in my past. So fucking let me. Stop reminding of everything bad when all I want is to not be strong anymore and just be in love with someone who loves me back for life and after that too, and to be a multimillionaire with MY stories.
To Grant Andrews... I will never chase you. Ever. Have a good life because I really want you to be happy. I have always chosen you in my heart in my mind and in my prayers. Every day and every night. But your lack of effort is a fucking disgrace and leaves me super depressed and broken every day and night. So if you love me, you better fucking communicate.
I believe in what I pray for. It has nothing to do with other men... it has to do with MY standards.
It’s not about me choosing a man anymore... it’s about the man I want choosing me back. I’ve already prayed and said what I want. GrantAndrews or 100% of the perfect man list prayer. I’m waiting to be chosen back.
I’m
Confused....
Does everyone want me to give up on GrantAndrews???
Because I did...
My point is that I need better... WAY BETTER to forget and be able to move on and not feel afraid.
