Have you ever had that feeling where your quietly crying in bed as tears and snot run down your face and you can't make it stop. When you want to scream whith nothing to muffle the sobs. When you want your heart to rip away from chest just to feel some relief from a insistent ache growing in your chest. When you think of all your emotions, and when you feel them and pour them into every tear you spill. And do you know the feeling of oblivion when you have no idea why your crying but you still feel it, the sheer pain. Maybe from past grievances that were never resolved by the wrong doer and yourself. And the feeling of grief when you see someone experiencing an injustice but you cannot help and the pain becomes physical and you double over from the sobs that rip through your whole body and it feels unreal. When you cry to release the feeling of longing for someone to hold you or someone to be held in your arms. When your arms feel empty and heavy at the same time as you sob into a pillow and hug it tight to try and fill in the hole that cannot be filled with any thing other than that person. When you cry in frustration because someone is being illogical and as they try to make your decisions for you and try to control the outcome of your future with brute force, long pointless discussions and a harsh dismissal that makes your shoulders sag and any solid object a temporary form of solace. And the utter relief when your alone in a corner with a bowl of cereal, and a book you've been waiting for a whole month to get and your ready to delve into with no hesitation and leave all your worries behind and exist in a new world where, once you are pulled out of and met with burdens the weight of the sky longing to collide with the earth and meet its love again, you fall back down in the dumps and stay there till you find a window where the weight cannot come through and attack your small frame. And when you pretend to be another person take on the role with perfect poise to leave behind reality and live the life of another happier person not burdened with the task of a Titan general. And when you push through your days with a smile and a faux "I'm fine" to the questions you recieve every now and then. And the way you lean into the warmth of a living person when they give you hugs and try to fit them into the hole in your heart but they don't click into place when you do this. When you lie to yourself, about yourself, telling yourself lies when your afraid of the truths and are embarrassed to be dealing with it. When the person you might love walks through the door looking attractive and you know it's forbidden and you know they might not feel the same way for you and it hurts to give them hugs and have conversations ending in soft forehead kisses that make your stomach flutter with prancing butterflies and make your brain repel all logic. And do you know the feeling of longing you have when you say goodbye and continue your facade of 'finene'ss and leave with a bleeding heart as you walk away from their heart of gold. And do you know the feeling when you sit on your bed and gawk at pictures of them on your phone as you blast hard rock music in your headphones and pretend nothing apart from them exists as you tap you foot or nod your head to the sound of your music and slowly but surely drift into a calm dreamless sleep for the rest of the night and through the wee hours of the morning only to be woken up to your routine of dragging yourself along before any social interactions by your annoyingly loud beeping heart attack inducing alarm clock.
