Robot: “Hey! Can I confide in you about something?”
Human: “Do you really need to ask that? Of course. Just… let me know if I need to sit down before you spring a big surprise on me.”
Robot: “I doubt that will be necessary. Thank you.”
Human: “So. What’s up?”
Robot: “Well, you see, I’ve sampled a lot of terrestrial emotions. Mammals, reptiles, insects… even a few birds. They have all been very enlightening!”
Human: “And dangerous…”
Robot: “Your scars are healing nicely. Anyway, although I have enjoyed terrestrial emotions, I am very curious about aquatic and marine emotions. I do not want to deprive myself of unique experiences.”
Human: “Uh-oh…”
Robot: “I have taken the necessary first steps and sealed off all potential leaks and sensitive mechanics in my torso with the intent of converting it into a temporary aquarium. Unfortunately, I only have a five-gallon capacity, so my options will be limited to species that require very little living space, or to very short intervals of time.”
Human: “Honestly…. you’ve done weirder things. I don’t know why I’m surprised by this.”
Robot: “I’ve done some research on aquarium upkeep. I have installed a filter, a heater, a LED light, and programs that will monitor levels of pH, gH, kH, ammonia, nitrate, nitrite, and total dissolved solids in preparation for adding my first aquatic emotion.”
Human: “I don’t know what half of those words mean and I don’t want you to explain them, but I trust you. What next? I can’t go with you to a pet store or I’ll come home with a kitten.”
Robot: “You do not need to worry about that. I would stop you from making an impulse purchase. What I wanted to talk to you about is the nitrogen cycle.”
Human: “The what? Look, I don’t know shit about fish or whatever. I had a goldfish bowl once and that was it.”
Robot: “A goldfish cannot thrive in a bowl. Goldfish are members of the carp family and produce a great deal of waste. They can grow to be over a foot long and require large, filtered aquariums or ponds so that they do not suffocate. The nitrogen cycle–”
Human: “Did you say a FOOT LONG?”
Robot: “Or larger. The nitro–”
Human: “That’s HUGE. Holy SHIT.”
Robot: “Yes. The nitrogen cycle is the process by which bacterial colonies are established within the filter media. These bacteria are responsible for converting harmful ammonia into nitrite. Secondary bacteria then convert the still-harmful nitrites into nitrates, which are less dangerous but need to be removed through periodic water changes.”
Human: “Okay…. I’m still not over gigantic goldfish. I had no idea!”
Robot: “The point is, the nitrogen cycle could potentially take weeks.”
Human: “And?”
Robot: “And during the time it takes to establish the necessary bacterial colonies, I will not have the opportunity to experience feelings.”
Human: “Oh. Jesus. Okay. You sure it’s worth it? For a goldfish?”
Robot: “A betta, I think. I guess we’ll find out.”