when you’re eating in front  of your crush

after hanging out for a few hours, she had to go because her three kids were home from school ♥

This is one of those posts I hope never ever dies

i wanna hug someone and roll around w them in my bed and bury my face in their chest and smell them and jus feel their arms around me

highlight of my day

tips for what to do after a really long cry because you’re probably feeling all kinds of exhausted and drained and i don’t want that for you in the slightest:

please make sure you stay super hydrated afterwards if you can’t during.  the body has a funny way of punishing you via headache for being sad and you don’t deserve that, so drink<333

me

If someone calls you thunder thighs you should take it as a compliment because you have been gifted by thor and he probably thinks you’re beautiful

Thor, looking at one of my thighs: This leg, I like it!

Me: *crosses my other leg over top*

Thor: *gasps* ANOTHER

secondhand embarrassment is pure agony and i wish a lot of comedy didnt rely on it

I cannot deal with it. I have to literally leave the room.

It’s a sign of being extremely empathetic.

Do y’all want to hear a secret story I’ve never told anyone?

(ok here goes. its funny i promise)

At the time this story took place, I was like 6 years old. Growing up, I was a very mature child because I was never around other kids my age. My mom used to work a lot, so that left me with my dad but my dad was high off his ass (weed smoker) all the time, so he’d be passed out. My siblings were all in their late teens and with friends, so when I got home it was just me by myself. Everyday

And I had no other way to entertain myself than by watching TV. I watched everything, but my favorite was the after dark shows that came on HBO and stuff. The down side of watching those things was that I learned about things that was way ahead of my time with no adult supervision. 

Well, one day when I came home from school I was watching TV (dad was alseep again and I was alone) and I saw one of those little flity phone companies. They were like sex operators or whatever, but at that time, my naive ass just thought that it was to find best friends. Like penpals and stuff, so one day I got the house phone and dialed the number.

The first thing that popped up was this super seductive voice but my dumb ass just assumed the person was sick (lmfao) and it said “For a man, press one. For a woman, press two.”

So I was thinking “Boys are gross, I need a best friend that’s a girl.” So I pressed two.

It rang a couple times until this lady answered the phone and I remember her saying “Hey, my name is Cynthia. What’s your name?”

So I was like ‘shit I gotta come up with something cool to tell my bestie’ “What’s up, Cynthia.”

And immediately, she got super quiet before she asked me “Um…whom am I speaking to?”

“The name is Delilah, but all my friends call me D.” (I remember I was coloring in my Lisa Frank diary when I said it too omg)

And Cynthia got quiet again before speaking. “Uh, how old are you?”

“I’m six and a half.” *scribbles in diary harder* “What about you?”

So she got super quiet again and was like “Uh…sweetie, where is your mother?”

“My mom’s at her job. Something my dad can’t seem to get.” *takes a sip from juicebox*

And I could hear her let out a stiffled laugh from the other line before clearing her throat. “Well, where is your father?”

“My dad smoked too much weed again and he passed out. Again.”

This time, she let out a louder laugh and I was like ‘heck yeah I made a friend. Check mate.’

So Cynthia askes me another question. “You’re not old enough to be on here, honey. I think you should hang up.”

So I got really pressed and kinda got sassy with her and busted out a line I had seen used in the movie Clueless. “Listen Cynthia, I’m a young, independent woman that don’t need no man. I need a friend, okay? It said you’d be nice to me on the TV.”

At this point I could hear her laughing really loud and before I could finish, she stopped me. “C-Can you hold on one second, honey? I’ll be right back. Stay right where you are.”

I was like “Okay.” And in the mean time, I made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and got some juice to get comfy while I waited. She finally came back like five minutes later and asked me if I was still there. I told her I was and this time, I could hear my voice echo a bit, meaning I was on speaker obivously.

“How old are you again?” She asked.

“I’m six and a half, don’t forget it, girlfriend!” *sassily snaps my fingers and takes  a sip from juice*

This time, i could hear people laughing and saying ‘oh my god’ and shit like that in the background, so I asked her who it was. She told me they were her buddies and I remember saying something like “It’s always good to have ya homeis with you, right?’ and everyone laughed again.

Then they started asking me all kinds of shit too.

“Where do you live?”

“In a house, duh.”

“What school do you go to?”

“Why? So you can kidnap me? No thanks, girl.”

“How did you even get this number?”

“The TV, duh.”

Now after a while the group of people buzzed off and it was just me and Cynthia on the phone. We had a cool conversation about Lisa Frank books and I learned that she lived in Seattle with her boyfriend and that she had a little girl a couple years older than me.

At one point, I told her about the boys in my school that were bullying me and that I didn’t think I was very pretty. And you know what? She gave me some advice that I never forgot, even til this very day I still remembered it. She told me,

“Sometimes people will be mean to you for no reason and they won’t like you, but all that matters is if you like you. If you like yourself, that’s all that matters.”

Now at one point, nine o’clock rolled around and it was my bedtime, so I sadly told Cynthia “Okay, bestie. Its my bed time. I don’t wanna miss out on my beauty sleep.” and after exchanging goodbyes, we hung up.

So yeah, that’s my experience with the chatlines. Sometimes I think about Cynthia and wonder what happened to her in life. Is she still with her boyfriend? How is her daughter? I’ll never know.

I never told anyone this until now because its too good not to share lmfao. Adult supervision is important!

This is an adorable story lol

HAHAHA HOLY SHIT WE WERE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF SURGERIES IN CLASS AND ALL THE GUYS WERE HOOTING AT THE SLICED BREAST ONES AND THEN THE TEACHER SWITCHED TO A PENIS PIC WHERE IT WAS CUT OPEN AND SOME 300LB JOCK DOUCHEBAG FAINTED RIGHT OUT OF HIS CHAIR BOYS ARE WEAK BOYS ARE FUCKING WEAK

you mean to tell me

that there was a god damn CUT OPEN BOOB

IN SURGERY

AND BOYS WERE STILL SEXUALISING IT

FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DOES NO ONE SEE HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS

When I took human anatomy, all the boys were *thrilled* to hold the breast implants, but when the professor brought out the jar of preserved penises we had no male volunteers to handle them. THEN she brought out the penis that had been dissected to show the different canals (it split into three more-or-less even sized pieces) and I think 3 boys went straight down like a sack of potatoes. Several more followed when she started pulling it apart and holding it up for the whole class to see. It was like that scene in Dracula Dead and Loving it where Mel Brooks is trying to gross out the med interns. Like, literally. It was hilarious. Bonus: my anatomy professor (who is a woman) informed me that she had not once, in her 20 years of teaching the class, had a female fainter. Women are hardcore.

i was talking with my brothers yesterday and we decided the best way to own a guy who takes off his shirt to fight you is to pick his shirt up and put it on

shakespeare was ahead of his time

reblog if baby don’t hurt me just played in your head in perfect tonality

i love my mother dearly but ability-wise she frightens me bc not only can she find 20 four leaf clovers within the span of like 2 minutes, everywhere, she can also write her name w/ both hands on a dry erase board or w/e at the exact same time and have both be a mirror image of one another

to add to this: i was making breakfast this morning and i hear “hey milo! look who came to say hello!” and, expecting like, a moth or a frog or something of that nature, i turn and she’s holding a snake

Yer ma’s a witch. Be nice to her

who was the fool who was tasked with naming the galaxy and the only adjective they could think of was ‘mmmmmmmmmmmmilky…’

scientist: (gazing up at space)  scientist: ……….. it sure is a milky boy 

NO

YOU DONT UNDERSTAND

ASTRONOMERS ARE THE SHITTIEST EVER AT NAMING THINGS I KID YOU NOT.

When it came time to name the two theoretical particle types that might be dark matter THEY INTENTIONALLY CHOSE THE NAMES SO THAT THE ACRONYMS WOULD SPELL “WIMPS” AND “MACHOS” I SHIT YOU NOT

THEY ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE AT NAMING ANYTHING

I just listened to a talk by Neil deGrasse Tyson himself LAST NIGHT and he went on about this more than once.

“I’m walking down the street and I’m like ‘ooh pretty rock…’ and some Geologist is like ‘actually, that’s anorthosite feldspar’ and I’m like ‘Nevermind, I don’t want it anymore.’ Any biologists in the audience? [some clapping] Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The most important molecule in the human body, what did you name it? It has NINE SYLLABLES and it’s so long that even YOU GUYS abbreviate it as ‘DNA’!

But astrophysicists and astronomers? No, man, we call it like we see it. Star made of neutrons? NEUTRON STAR. Small white star? WHITE DWARF. You know that big red spot on Jupiter? Know what we called it? JUPITER’S RED SPOT.”

okay i’m glad you mentioned the biologist nonsense bc their naming methods are the bane of my existence

I see your astrophysicists-are-shit-at-names and raise you Marine-Biologists-Are-Fucking-Maniacs.

See this beautiful creature?

It’s a carnivorous deep-sea sponge that lives off of Easter Island and never sees the light of day, as it’s about 9000 feet down. Those delicate-looking orbs are covered in millions of tiny hooked spines, which latch onto anything unfortunate enough to bump into it, and hold it in place as it is digested alive by the sponge’s skin.  Amazing, beautiful and profoundly creepy.  They could have given it so many cool names.  Could have drawn on mythology (I think Scylla would have been an appropriate reference), the region it was found in, the textured skin, PHAGOCYTOSIS, anything!  

You wanna know what they called it?

PING-PONG TREE SPONGE.

Good job, marine biologists.

When you’re in the middle of sobbing and you start dissociating so you’re like “okay I’m done now” and turn into an emotionless zombie

i havent shaved my legs in a really long time and while i was babysitting my skirt edged up a bit and the seven year old i was watching said “ew you should shave that hairs not supposed to be there” and i said “well if its not supposed to be there then why does it grow there?” and he was really silent for a long time and then finally said “lets watch sonic the hedgehog”

tumors grow, are they supposed to be there?

its called “evolution”, just because its there doesnt mean its useful or wanted.

Local Man Compares Leg Hair To Cancer, Genuinely Thought It Was A Smart Argument. More At Six.

I feel like an adult brain in 2017 processes more information in one morning than an adult brain in 1817 did in one month.

yeah thats why we all have anxiety now

got in trouble for calling my step dad a slut :///

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