damn…

I’ll have regret either way

if I text you I’ll just get nervous and awkward

overthinking is going to be the death of me

I’m beginning to lose everything. Or maybe it isn’t the beginning but a hellish downfall. Fits of rage and anxiety constantly over every single thing. And he’s not there. The one person I need most. The one I annoy most and bother with my presence because Iv never had anyone Iv loved so much. And I’m annoying and excessive and constantly in pain and having anxiety attacks and unbearably sad. Like everybody before, I’m driving them away. Im becoming secondhand, unimportant. Wasted time. Annoyance. Burden. How could anyone love someone who needs constant attention and love…someone who’s lost and scared of going home. All my intentions ever were is to love you. And maybe I gave you so much attention and care was because it was my head screaming in hopes you would love me the same way back. And maybe I gave you all of this and constant reminders because I never wanted you to be sad, or lonely, or bored Again. I would always be there for you, don’t ever fucking forget what you put me through. And through fucking hell and back, here I am. Still giving you all the love I could possibly give you with my small self. I’m so little. I’m so very little. But I still gave you every single drop of me. And I guess when someone goes through hell and back and waits for your return, they’d hope that you could atleast be there for them. But it’s never the case. My anxiety and my constant sadness is just an annoyance, a burden. And here I am laying in bed, crying my eyes out, arms bruised from violent anxiety and anger fits. But you don’t want to hear that, right? I feel like I’m being ripped to fucking pieces. Every little thing is tearing me the fuck apart. I feel fucking insane. But you don’t want to hear that. You don’t want to deal with me when I absolutely need you most, because it’s not affecting you. You wouldn’t know how violent I become when I have fits of anger and how much I inflict on myself. Because it’s just a burden to care for me. An annoyance. It’s probably even seems fake. “Just a cry for attention.”

.

Valium

(via favoritism)

“you don’t look depressed though”

oh yeah sorry i forgot to bring my literal dark cloud with me today