I'M LITERALLY SO FUCKING FAT

I look at myself and there is nothing but disgust. 😷😷 I HAD LOST 5 FUCKING POUNDS AND GAINED IT ALL FUCKING BACK SO GODDAMED FAST GOD I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

How I want the convorsation with my crush/best friend to go

Me: We gotta talk.

Him: You ok?

Me: Well not right now but maybe after we talk.

Him: Spill.

Me: Don't say anything until I tell you to.

Him: Fine.

Me: So you know I love you right?

Him: Yeah.

Me: I told you not to talk.

Him: Sorry.

Me: 😑.

Me: I don't just love you like a friend

Him: 😕.

Me: I can't live without you, that sounds dramatic but its honestly true. And I know that you "don't wanna date anybody" but thats bullshit.

Him: 😯.

Me: And you and Emily are a really weird and confusing thing. And I don't expect anything to happen from this conversation but I don't want our friendship to change.

Me: Ok you can speak.

Him: Haha umm. Funny you would mention that. Me and Emily aren't anything, btw. And I love you too obviously and I feel the same way. Maybe we could try it.

Me: 😯😯😯 but what about Sean (my ex and his good friend). Wouldn't he be mad?

Him: Who cares.

Us: *kissing aggressively* then *fuck*

Ok my friend is always tryna get me to let him pick me up. BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON WHEN I TELL HIM THAT I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER AND BODY DYSMORPHIA AND I EXPLAIN IT TO HIM HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT IF HE DID PICK ME UP AND HE EVEN SLIGHTLY GRUNTED OR COULDN'T ACTUALLY DO IT I'D STOP EATING! LIKE PLEASE DON'T DO THAT. I CAN'T TAKE IT. NOT TO MENTION THAT HE KNOW HOW MUCH I WEIGH. IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME BUT I CAN'T LET PEOPLE SEE ME SO I HAVE TO HIDE MY GODDAMN FACE!!!!!!!

What if I died tomorrow?

Yeah, just sometimes...

The feeling of cutting flesh

Goal

I want to be at most 145 by october 31st that gives me 34 days to lose 16 pounds i know i can do that even though it'll be hard